My final say.

I don't know what it is about going to the bathroom, but when I enter a bathroom it's like an onslaught of crazy thoughts come into my head and completely take over. It's like an alien abduction without getting taken into space... or an alien for that matter... anyways..

that just happened to me.

but I'm thinking about my break up, the one that happened 7 months ago, and I need to get this off my chest.

As i was peeing, I looked down at my right hand toward the finger that was once home to my Claddagh ring. I took it off a couple weeks ago thinking it just didn't feel right resting there anymore. I mean, I (and I mean my mom bought it, hello I am WAY superstitious when it comes to Claddaghs) bought it out in Colorado, when I was with him, thinking it would just be a symbol of our foreverness.

I don't think I'll ever be able to wear that again.
I need to buy a new one, one that is just for me.

Then, while washing my hands, another thought struck me.... I remember being happy with him.. but I don't remember how it felt being happy with him.

In my mind, its like a sea of pictures screaming at me "HEY ELLA, see that smile? It's genuine... don't you remember that day?" over and over again. Wanting me to remember, wanting me to feel that again.

It hurts to realize I don't remember being happy when I was with him, I mean I loved him. The boy was my first real love.  I will love him forever and for always.

But it is time for the pictures to fade away in a box, in my attic.
Time for the stuffed animals and cards and notes to be stashed.
Time for me to be grateful and happy for the memories I do have.

and definitely time for me to move forward with my life.

As I was adjusting my clothes and primping my hair, I picked up my own chin, forced a smile on my face and will continue to remind myself that this is okay.

It's okay to move forward.
It's okay to feel absolutely heartbroken.
                                                                    but, only for today.

So this is my final say. You will not hear of this break up again.

Tomorrow, I'm getting back to me.


Stupid bathroom.
YOU RUIN EVERYTHING. ;)

I will be the one with bells & whistles, celebrating your departure.

Dear 2010,


What the eff?


You were kind of a jerk.
Okay, more like I want to sucker punch you in the nads because you were such an asshole to me.
ALL. YEAR. LONG.


Sure, there were some good times, but I haven't really thought too much about those in the past couple months. So before we get into you beating me with a wooden spoon, lets discuss the good things shall we?


January:

• Welcomed the New Year

February:

• Applied for a new job and got said new job. (thank god)

April:

• Got to go out to DC to see my Sister.

June:

• My birthday. Duh.

August:

• New Hampshire with my Family = AMAZING.

October:

• Paid off my Car Loan & got a New Car.

November:

• Went to Florida
• One of my Best Friend's got to meet her Father for the first time (I SWEAR I'M FINISHING THE TRILOGY)

December:

• I got accepted and officially get to be a college student again :]

So you see, the list is short. VERY short. Thankfully, there are a few good things in there, otherwise I probably would've gone ABSOLUTELY crazy.


I am trying REALLY hard not to let the bad outweigh the good.. okay?


So let's get into the crap you dished out to me 2010, shall we?


February:

• The weekend before I start my new job I need a new gas line in my car. Which means I had to pay for a tow and for it to be fixed as well as a new tank of gas for me and the person toting my ass around. The next week my car payment was due and I had ZERO money to even get to work let alone pay that. thankfully one of my last paychecks from the Bob came in and I could cover it. But I was broke until my first paycheck on the final day of the month.

April:

• I lost a friend. He committed suicide the night before Easter. That was not a phone call I ever wanted to receive, not that anyone does. I spent the next week in a blur of emotions, taking care of everyone because people thought I was seasoned at helping people take care of this since this was my 3rd friend that I had lost to suicide. You know, it wasn't until everything was over and I was sitting alone that anyone asked me how I was doing, not even my boyfriend. I was angry then, not terribly angry now about it because I truly do understand. I miss Julian a lot.

June:

• Despite it being my birthday (which birthdays are awesome no matter what) it was a sucky birthday because I turned 20. There is nothing fun about being 20. At all. Need I say more?

August:

• The day before a work fundraiser and two days before I leave to go to New Hampshire, my freakin' car, Alfie, breaks down. I was on my way home from cleaning it when I noticed it driving funny. Then it started smoking and I pulled over. And, as my luck would have it, it was a blown head gasket that would cost $1,000. That is 1/2 of what I paid for the vehicle. Clearly not  worth it to get it fixed. Thus began my 2 month struggle with finding rides to and from work, trying to balance a boyfriend, and car shopping.

September/October:

• Boyfriend of 2 years and I broke up. I am still having a really hard time talking about it, despite it almost being.. 4 months(ish).

November/December:

• The Ex goes ballistic and become a psycho babbling shit talking asshole. I cry nonstop for weeks.
• The Holiday's. They are just rough, I have felt so alone. I'm continuing to develop these feelings and I don't know what to do with them. I am confused and irrational. But, 90% of my time is spent being irrational so I guess not too much has changed.

2010, you were a mean and nasty cold that I just couldn't get rid of (until 4 days from now that is). I hope your incessant ickyness doesn't carry over into what I am determined to make the best year of my life. I guess overall it wasn't that bad. I probably just feel worse than I should, but let me tell you 2010, I am ready for you to be over. This way I am forced to continue moving forward and have to look at the world with fresh eyes once again.


I hope with 2011 I find happiness and peace.


So 2010, I am bidding you adieu (for the next 4 days) because really, I am not terribly sorry to see you go.*


Yours truly,
Ella


HAPPY NEW YEAR!
May 2011 be the BEST year for each and every one of you.


*Thus begins my absence until the New Year. When I will bring you the final chapter of the Daddy Daughter Story and a post about my home city, Flint, MI. Get excited.

Scrooge-itis

You are probably going to want to punch me in the face.


I'm waiting on permissions to give you part 3 of a Daddy/Daughter Story. I've been working on it all week and haven't gotten too far. BUT it is coming.. likely after Christmas, so you'll just have to put up with me for  the next week or so.

I am not ready for the Holiday's. Don't get me wrong, I'm totally looking forward to seeing my family, eating too much food and opening presents, but I am by no means ready for the Holiday's.

I haven't even really gotten into Christmas music, our tree has only a few ornaments on it (which my dad put up BY HIMSELF),  and I'm just not feeling even remotely excited for the Christmas.

What's with my Scrooge attitude? I am not a Scrooge! I haven't even put together a Christmas wish list. Mostly because I don't know what I want.

Actually i do know what I want but it is completely unrealistic for Christmas because my family isn't uber rich and neither am I. So my dreams of receiving an iPad for Christmas are nill, but I'm sure it will be a great Christmas.. once I give a list out for what I want.

I'm also no where near done with my Christmas shopping. I guess I don't understand how I feel more broke/behind on everything this year when I am making considerably more money than last year.. It doesn't make sense to me. Oh well, it will work out just like it does every other year.

So now I'm working through my boredom at work with some Christmas music courtesy of Pandora. I have to say while it is lovely listening to my favorite Jazz Artists serenade me with fa la lalala la's and Merry Christmas's, I am still feeling a little Scroogey.

Maybe I need to have a Christmas movie marathon.

Perhaps I'll just feel better when I'm done with my shopping.

Or maybe my Break up is just getting the better of my emotionally. It hasn't been easy, at all. There have been so many ups and downs. I haven't talked about it much other than the above link and I think it is just getting to me that I only have my family's Christmas this year and no where to go afterwards, no plans to look forward to once my family is gone.. It sucks so completely, but I'll figure it out, I have to. It's a part of this whole moving forward with my life thing I'm working on..

Speaking of which..

I AM OFFICIALLY A COLLEGE STUDENT AGAIN.
I am so excited and so fully ready to go back to school it is unreal.

It is time to move on with my life.

Well, I'm off to try to get rid of my "Scrooge-itis".

Taking ME back.

I need a vacation.

My life is just a hot mess.

What I don't understand is why in the hell do I feel bad about everything?!

Okay, I told you a few posts back I'd let you in on what's going on in my life, here goes nothing.

My boyfriend of 2 years and I broke up.
In fact, I was the one that did the breaking because I just wasn't happy anymore. I tried for 6 months to be happy with him and nothing worked. He controlled my emotions and me as a whole and it took me a year and a half to realize it.

I lost friends and made enemies.
That was my fault, I'm the one who pushed these people away because he didn't want me to see them or just wanted to take up all my time. It was my choice to stay, it was my choice to be a home body if I wasn't going to be with him/by his side, it was all MY choice.

I was a damn fool.

What's funny to me is that even though the hurtful things he and other people are saying to me are hurting/getting to me (after a little over a month) I really think I'm leaving with a better deal.

Yesterday, after I cried my eyes out, I finally applied to go back to school. Yes, I finally took a step in the right direction on that front. I just gotta get my transcripts over to the school and wait 2 weeks..

I have the freedom to do what I want, when I want (money being the only issue) and it is a beautiful thing.

I'm getting *some* of my friends back day by day.
The ones that I've lost I suppose were never truly my friend in the first place.

Other than today, I'm waking up happy.
There is a lot to be said with that since I haven't woken up so much as 4 or 5 times in the past.. well.. 2 years.

The other amazing thing?

I'm going to Florida next week.

When I originally told him about this trip, he told me he would leave me if I went.

I'm going.
I'm missing Thanksgiving with my family.* (I love you all and I WILL miss you dearly.)
I'm doing this for me.
I finally get to live my life for me again.

and I'm going to Florida.


*My mom was REALLY against this trip until it dawned on her that the ex had actually told my I wasn't allowed to go. Now, she is all about it, telling me its my chance to finally do something without fear of consequences and to get back out there and live all over again