Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Part 4. The part that'll yank on your heart strings in a not so good way.

** This is the final installment. It'll likely be long.

The morning came to fast.
I woke up next to him, realizing my time with him was quickly running out.. he was leaving, I was staying (at least for the next 2 days) and I didn't know when I'd see him again. So I just appreciated it and took advantage of what little time I had and curled up next to him waiting for him to wake up.

When he did, it was a scramble for him to get ready to depart for his 2 week long field excercise training for the Army. He showered, got ready and I watched him put on his full uniform. Suddenly, this boy, who was wearing Rayban's and American Eagle only hours earlier was transformed into a soldier right before my eyes. I watched the intricate way he laced his boots and the care he took tucking in his shirt and buttoning his jacket. I'd never seen anything like that before in my life, unless it was in the movies and let me tell you, they don't compare to seeing the real thing. He laid his head on my chest and just looked at me for a while before telling me "I don't want to leave here and I don't want to leave you."

Eventually, we made our way to his truck to say goodbye, not knowing when we would see eachother again outside of the world of technology. I watched as he loaded his gear into his truck and half got in, waiting for me to come to him. I did, smiling a horribly broken hearted smile, wrapped my arms around his neck and pressed my forehead to his. I closed my eyes, taking in everything I could so that I could go back to that moment and remember every detail.

"I have to go..."

It was barely audible. The whisper was so quiet, I wasn't sure if it was him or my imagination. We kissed, our final kiss and I turned and walked away. I couldn't look back. I couldn't stand to watch him drive away, especially in Uniform. It was overwhelming and I am not ashamed to admit that I cried. He wasn't getting deployed, he was just off to do field excercise's for 2 weeks. I suppose I really didn't want to say goodbye, nor did I want to believe that my day with him had actually come to an end, reality being when he came home, I'd be a few hundred miles away. But, it had ended and I had to move forward and keep busy. It was the only logical way to keep time moving since every moment that passed was another moment closer to seeing him again.

Of course it took all of 2.3 seconds after leaving for him to text me and I spent the entire day, despite my sister's relentless teasing, texting him back and forth. Talking about what I was doing, what he was doing, ya know, the normal stuff. I think we were both waiting to talk about our day together until we could actually hear each others voices again. He waited until we got back to the apartment to call me, things had slowed down for him in the field, and I wasn't being pestered with silly little things like "You love him already" or "This is kind of disgusting. BLECK" and we just talked. We talked about how his baby blues had won me over and how he couldn't get over how confident I was in being myself (and how beautiful I was). We talked about music and what song we thought was a good description of ourselves. I told him mine was "She Ain't Right" by Lee Brice, he'd never heard it so I sang it to him. OVER THE PHONE. Clearly that was a sign I was in deep trouble emotionally. I was falling fast and very hard. It was beautiful and the best part was him saying he was feeling the same things.

After 2 years of being controlled and only "loved" when he wanted or needed something, not allowing me to have any friends or any kind of life... I mean really, I wasn't allowed to be myself, I was beyond ready for a change. And I got exactly what I hoped for. Someone who was a loving individual, respectful, and most of all accepting of me for me including all my quirks!

Within 2 days of my arrival home, a mere 3 days after I last saw him, he bought me a plane ticket to come back to DC, to spend a weekend with him. I had a wild case of butterflies.. a boy was buying something for me? I didn't even know such things could happen! What a wonderful world! We talked all we could, sent silly pictures and told each other things I, personally, never thought I'd share with anyone. It was seriously absolutely beautiful. I cherished every phone call, text, laugh, dream... etc.. etc... it was magical.

It had truly become my movie. My wonderful, everyone wishes they could have this, movie like romance. I pinched myself each morning I woke up, thinking it surely must be a dream, but no, each pinch drove me back to reality, this amazing incredible reality.

My life was wonderful, I was getting everything I wanted and more. I was truly happy, something I hadn't experienced in so long, I'd nearly forgotten what it felt like.

When he got home to DC from the field, we were a week away from my flight to spend the weekend with him. I was nervous and excited, I mean really, the days couldn't move any slower. We were both terribly busy and weren't talking much. At the time, I didn't think much of it, I was going to be with him, the only person I could think about, in a matter of days. Before I knew it, the calls weren't coming in anymore and the texts were no longer substantial. They were mere "yeah" and "okays" and everyones favorite, "k".  I brushed it off, let it go by the wayside and continued about my daily routine.

It was 4:45 on the Wednesday before my flight when my phone started vibrating over and over again. Text message after text message came in. I wasn't prepared for what I saw, and I sure as hell was happy I was sitting when I read them.

"I've been thinking a lot lately about the distance, and I just don't see how this could work. It would be different if you were here or I was there, but that isn't our reality right now. I'm sorry." (I paraphrased, I deleted the conversation a long time ago)

I started shaking. My breath caught in my throat, it was all I could do not to break down right there. I was crumbling. What the hell was happening? I told my boss I needed to go, left, hopped in my car and started driving. I had no destination, but I couldn't stay in one place. I was devastated.  How could this person who I'd connected so deeply with just decide to up and do this? To walk away without ever trying... Of course I spoke my peace, and I wasn't terribly nice about it. What a coward to say this to me through a text message. You don't even have the balls to call me? What did you think I was going to do? Or maybe he was just scared I'd hear the lies pouring out his mouth. We all figured he had found a girl that was there, something that was easy to handle because she lived closer and not states away. Well, I was in denial for a bit over whether or not that was true. I just didn't understand how in the hell that could happen to me. And like a fool, I still planned to go out there.. apparently to torture myself. But some divine intervention saved me from a weekend of what I'm sure would have been nothing but humiliating. My sister texted telling him how she felt about what he had done and he immediately turned around saying he didn't want me coming out there anymore.

At the end of the last message he said "I'll talk to you soon."
It's been almost 2 months and I haven't heard a word since that day.
And this biggest thing that I don't get is how he is in the ARMY and he doesn't think he can handle long distance. What the hell would he do if, god forbid, he got deployed?!

I have to tell you it was one of the best and worst things that have ever happened to me. In that short little month and a half I learned so much about myself and MANY lessons concerning people. I saw that I was capable of being myself 100% around someone that hasn't known me my whole life and that felt amazing. But I also learned to really take things one day at a time and appreciate what you have while you have it. I realized it was okay to take a risk, wear a blindfold and take that leap of faith and damnit I got the adventure I'd been looking for for a long time. Honestly, I wouldn't change a thing about it. It all happened for a reason and I've accepted that.

Today, I look back and see there were many red flags that I shouldn't have over looked during that time, like that fact that he blacked out the first night we officially met. I mean, thats real classy.. right? There are a few other things, but I don't need to talk about those... yet.

This was quite possible one of the hardest stories I've ever had to write and I hope that I wrote it in a way so that you too could feel the surprise and confusion I did at the time. I will let you know that things are wonderful around here and yes, there is a new boy. :) I'll tell you about him soon.

Pinky Promise.

1 comment:

  1. Aw :( What a douchebag.

    I'm glad there's a new boy, though. Forget the douche and move on to the awesome!! Can't wait to hear about him!