2011, I love you already. Don't make me regret saying that.

To say I have enjoyed the first 5 days of the New Year would be an understatement.

I mean really, I haven't been so happy to see a year go since 2004. I don't remember why I was so happy to see 2004 go, it probably had something to do with being an angsty 14 year old. Ah well, se la vie (is that how you even spell that?) to the old and Bienvenue to the new. (I don't even know if that is the same language. hah)

So, for 2011, I am trying some new things to keep this year positive and hopefully ick free.

Here are 5 AWESOME things that are going to happen throughout 2011.

1. I am writing a "Grateful for" journal. I have a brand new journal (that I found empty on my shelf BONUS) that I write the date and what I'm grateful for from that day. I haven't had any problems coming up with anything yet since its been nothing but the awesome around my life since I've started.

Editor's Note: When I was in 4th grade we would have in class spelling bees, I'll never forget the day that we had the word grateful and went through the line 4 times (not even exaggerating) before somebody spelled it right and seriously, we spelled it the same way each time g-r-e-a-t-f-u-l. You would think we would've learned after the 2nd time around but no. Now, I'll never forget how to spell grateful.

2. I have registered for 2 classes and they start on Thursday. I can't even begin to explain to you how excited I am to get my learn on. Yeah, I just said that. Hopefully, I will be extremely successful, working full time (and then some) going to school and balancing my social life. How does/did that work out for you guys?

3. I am focusing back on me. I finally have time for myself and damnit, I'm going to take advantage of that! I'm hoping to get back to making my little felt creatures and felt cozy's. Possibly pick up my brushes and start painting again. I don't know! THE POSSIBILITIES ARE ENDLESS. GAH! I couldn't be more excited to finally get back to me.

4. I am going to be travelling a LOT more this year. I have already planned on going out to DC to visit my sister and brother-in-law 2 times this year, I'm trying to figure out how to get out of the country and visit Italy or Greece.. I'm not sure which yet, it also may not happen this year, but it is my goal. I will also try to get around my home state a little more because Michigan has a LOT to offer. I'm pretty excited for that too. I'm probably going to try to get out west again as well. I want to see all 50 states by the time I'm 50 and I have 13 (which includes DC) under my belt so there is a LOT of states left.

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST.

5. I'M FINALLY TURNING 21!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! All of my friends are already 21 and or have a birthday in the next 3 months. It will be so much easier to go out without them trying to accomodate me all the damn time. :]

So yeah, I have a lot of fantastic things planned for 2011.

Let's get the ball rolling 2011, shall we?

Now, back to our regularly scheduled programming *hopefully* tomorrow.

A Daddy/Daughter Story. Part 2.

** This is part 2 of my friends search and journey to find her father, if you haven't already Click here to catch up. (by the way, this is going to be lengthy.. I may split into 3 parts)

After WAY too long in the car, my companions and I made it to the Sunshine State in one piece and still friendly with one another. Needless to say we were very ready to be out of the car and moving around, 1 to make sure we could still walk and 2 to keep us  busy until D-Day (Daddy day).

We stayed in Orlando that first night and then made our way to the SouthEastern part of the state and stayed outside of Ft. Lauderdale, had our Thanksgiving and enjoyed a relaxing night with each other.

I guess I'll touch on Thanksgiving a bit and you all can wait patiently to find out whether it is a happy ending or not. *insert evil laugh her*

HEY. I can hear all the shit you are talking right now.
QUIT IT.
I'm getting to it, this is important too.

This was my first Thanksgiving away from my family.. at least the kind that is blood related, come to think of it, it really was my first holiday ever away from my family, I mean sure I've worked holidays but I always went home to family after. So spending the holiday with a friend's family, 1500 miles away from home was surreal. The conversation was interesting and typically turned back to meeting Her father.

I saw the ocean for the first time while I was in Florida. It was dark and windy on the beach. I'd never felt a wind so steady and strong in my life. It was incredible. I thought a lot about what was supposed to happen the next day. The fact that my friend was meeting her father and how much of a life changing experience this was turning out to be.. for all of us. I started to realize that things were not going to be the same when we got home and as those thoughts hit me, the biggest wave we saw all night broke on the shore as if to say...

"I just washed away the past, it's still apart of you, but it is time to move forward."

Totally cheesy I know, but look at the story I'm telling you. It's bound to be a little cheese ball..right?

So, we left the beach and made our way to have an enjoyable Thanksgiving night.

When we woke up it was D-Day. We didn't really say much, other than goodbyes, until we were in the car on our way back to Orlando to pick her up to take her to Bradenton (which is on the kind of South-Western part of the state) to finally go to meet her dad.

"You guys.. she is meeting her dad today."

We drove back to Orlando and somehow navigated our way to the Resort she was staying at and picked her (and another friend, not really relevant) up and were on our way to Bradenton Florida.

There was a lot of excitement, nerves and a lot of scary thoughts roaming around our heads. There were about a million things that could go wrong..

Would he be there?
Is it really her father?
What if it's some sick psycho?
What if he wants nothing to do with her?

We stopped at a rest stop to gather our thoughts and kind of prepare as best we could.



At the rest stop. Not too far out from our destination.
Mama B (middle), Mosey (black), Me (red) 

Then, before we knew it, we had arrived in Bradenton, drove around lost for a bit, then found Applebee's. 

"I am not leaving you unless I know for sure it's your dad."

"I'll be fine."

"No, what if he is some psycho murderer. I'm not leaving here till I know."

She and Mosey got out of the car and walked to the building.

I sat in the car with my 2 other passengers.. waiting impatiently to see what happened.

Next thing I know.. Mosey is at the window.

"He's here and he is so cool and he wants to have dinner with us."

*** There will be a Part 3 because the next part will take too long. Also, you will be rewarded for your patience with this super sweet video (if I get permission to use it) that tells the WHOLE story from her point of view. :)

please don't hate me.

A Daddy/Daughter Story. Part 1.

Growing up, I had a prominent father figure.

I knew who my father was and my parents are still married so I *still* live with him.
There is no doubt in my mind that he is my dad. We look* and act alike on so many levels.

*Of course, I look a lot more like my mom, but we aren't talking about her today.

My dad took care of me while I was growing up, he has pictures of me in his wallet to show off..

hell, he was even the first person to take me to a bar.
Granted, I was 3 weeks old and OBVIOUSLY didn't know where the heck I was.
He and his friends sang me "My Girl".
What can I say? We love our Motown 'round here.

I know what it is like to have a father, no, to have a dad.

My friend didn't.. or doesn't.. not sure yet.
And it is her story I want to share with you.

She didn't have a dad, and we all knew that. Our entire group.
but 2 of us she confided in about him, saying she wished she knew him, wished she could meet him, and hoped beyond hope to just know her dad.

The three of us back in September.
Mama B (her), Mosey, and I

She received a picture of her father from her mother at the age of 16.
Her* pursuit to find him only intensified.

She found out that he attended her high school, with my dad no less.
She found he lived in Florida and asked us if we would go with her to one day meet her dad.

We said yes and began dreaming of that day finally becoming a reality.

I think we 'planned' our trip to Florida about a 1000 times until this past summer when she announced to us she was going to Florida for real, and she wanted US to go with her. Well, we said yes, obviously, and began planning away.

My parents didn't think it was a good idea. Didn't think I should get so involved in personal matter, especially ones that are as deep and personal as meeting a father. I really didn't care, I knew that I was supposed to go with her, otherwise it wouldn't even have been a remote possibility for me.

So, we all made our plans, set the date and were ready and waiting to go.
We just needed her to send the letter to her father and then play the waiting game to see if he would respond.

The harsh reality of the entire situation was the fact that none of us thought she would actually make contact and be able to meet her father. We didn't really know the true reason he wasn't around so meeting him wasn't really something we expected to happen, just a nice little fantasy. We all accepted it and were determined to enjoy the beautiful Floridian weather anyways.

Then the day of our departure came and all of us were an anxious mess. Well, me and my travel companions, She was already down there for her conference. I was antsy and SO ready to get on the road and high tail it out of Michigan the seconds inched by while I waited for my friends to arrive so we could leave.

they arrived.

"Have you talked to [her] yet?"

"No.. why?"

"Her dad texted, he wants to meet her!!!!!!!"

My jaw dropped to the floor.
It was really happening.
Something we all admitedly doubted, of course not out loud until after we knew this was really happening, was actually going to become a reality.

It was so unreal to hear those words. I was more excited then ever and began the 1,200 mile drive with such vigor..

One of my best friend's dream was coming true

 and we were going to be able to be apart of it.

*don't know if she would want her name out here so she will be she/her

Florida.. My big realization.

I missed this one the other day. We have mastered the duck face.

Florida made me realize that I really need a change.

And not the typical girl change where something big happens and you color and cut your hair. 

I'm talking BIG CHANGE.


a change of location, lifestyle, personality, whatever.. I just need a change.


I need to feel like something is happening in my life again.
I want to feel excited to get up and go out.

But I'm not.
I don't feel excited and I certainly don't feel like I'm accomplishing much.

*yes, I'm going to be a bit of a Debbie Downer here, bear with me.*

My life has been all shambly and just flat out depressing for a while now. With the break up and some other craptastic things happening, I've been struggling day to day to keep my mind occupied enough to keep away from the bad thoughts. That usually means I am completely blocked when it comes to writing and why my new site that I was so excited about has been so severely neglected.

This is why I haven't even written in my own journal, where I am the ONLY one to read, in months.

It's a nasty road that I've been down before, this damn depression thing. I kicked it's ass last year and I am fighting tooth and nail to defeat it again this year.. Not that it ever truly goes away, I just learned to keep my beasts at bay while life continues to move on.

When meeting new people they always ask people my age where they are going to school, what they are studying yadee yada yada.. you probably know what I'm talking about... and when you are surrounded by people talking about school and their life dreams/goals its really hard to sit there and say..

"Oh, me? I'm not in school right now, haven't been for about a year now.. I just work. A lot."

It's getting to be embarrassing.
I'm ashamed of the choices I've made in some respects.

Luckily, I have applied to go back to school and have sent in all the corresponding paperwork in order to make this a reality because DAMMIT, I'm ready. I'm ready to get my life started.


Which brings me to what Florida made me realize..


I don't have anything truly tying me to Michigan except for my family and my job. But let's get real, my job is temporary. A few years and they'll be searching for my replacement because I'll be moving onto greener pastures and a career I actually enjoy. Family is obviously irreplaceable, at least to me, but it wouldn't be the end of the world if i left. 


It showed me there are opportunities for me other places. I knew that before, but I guess it didn't dawn on me till I was there, standing in Disney World or driving all over the state, that I could do whatever I wanted, I am completely capable. 
I am so able and so ready.


Which is why I've started planning.
I'm planning my big move. Literally.


Starting January 1, 2011 I will be saving my tushy off in order to move out of this place and get going with my life. 


I'm telling you, I need a change.


and I think that change has to be location.


I'm going to attempt to write a little every day this week in order to make up for my serious lack of effort as well as to just get my juices flowing again.


I promise the rest of it won't be so blah and drab. 


I'll share some embarrassing stories or something.
that should keep you coming back.. right?


Well, I can't say I blame you if you leave. I've not been a very good writer to you..


ALSO, the story of my friend meeting her father. 
and me facing my insecurities. 


It should get interesting around here.

The beginning of a brand new... something.

Florida.

There are so few words to describe what the experience was like.
How life changing it was for me, thought I didn't realize it till the day after I returned, and for my friends who went on this journey with me...

Honestly, I never thought it would happen. I thought it was just going to be one of those trips you talk and dream about for ages that ends up falling through.. I just had a gut feeling about it. Where would I get the money? Do I *really* want to take my car down there? What are we going to do? etc... etc... etc...

But it happened.
I had the money.
We took my car.
&&
We covered a LOT of ground in 5 days.

So.. let's start from the beginning.

You read my post about the day I left. Where i was all spazzy and psycho?

Well it didn't end after work, it continued on even after I arrived home. I was jittery and excited and nervous and GAHHHH... So ready to get the hell out of town.

Finally at around 8pm, my friends arrived at my house to leave in my little car to have the road trip of a life time.

we spent something like.. 21 hours in the car, leaving officially at 8:45 (give or take) and arriving in Orlando at 5:30 (give or take) the next day.

It was sunny, beautiful and all palm tree'd out.
We were hot, sweaty, stinky, greasy, gross and exhausted.. and possibly a tad bit hungry.

So, we took turns showering and getting ready before we headed out like Zombies to get some pizza and figure out what to do the rest of the night..

We were absolutely zombified. Sat at dinner staring off into space.. more like the wall, barely moving our limbs.. it was so weird.

****
Now, I'm not actually planning on giving you a play by play of the entire trip.. there is a point to this post and why it is being set up this way.. the rest of the Florida series will be me just talking about the big things that are going to be happening and what Florida made me realize and yadee yada yada.. any(sorry about that tangent) who...
****

We stood outside the restaurant debating on what to do.. do we go to a bar? Universal strip(? I don't even know if thats what its really called, I was too tired to care) or... DOWNTOWN DISNEY.

Well... obviously.

Out of the 3 of us that drove down together, only 1 of us had never been to Disney so it was pretty much a given that we had to go.

One of the many amazing experiences I had was watching her truly experience Disney for the first time. I felt like a proud parent snapping pictures of her has she fully emersed herself into the Magic that is Disney.. even if it was only Downtown. :)

Here are some pictures :)

Can you tell we are tired after 21 hours in the car?

Sexy face with Donald Duck hat?

DINOSAURS. (my worst nightmare)

It clearly ain't easy being Green.

First thing we saw and we knew they wanted us to be their guest. It was so welcoming. :)

SO MUCH MAGIC!

WOODY! need I say more?

almost home.

I'm currently in the car, on my way back from Florida. :/

it's so bittersweet, I never wanted to leave.

it was such a fantastic trip that was way too short and I can't wait to share with you all of the stories I have and the rather life changing realization I had.

all I can say for now is that things are going to be happening around here, a brand new adventure under the magnifying glass if you will, and I am so excited to share this journey with you.

for now, I'm going to get back to trying to figure out how much longer I have till I'm home, afterall this is coming to you straigt from my shitty Palm Pixi and frankly my eyes aren't good enough to make sure things are spelled right.

which reminds me... I should get to the eye doctor soon.

An hour by hour thought process on the day I leave for FL

6 hours.

till I leave for Florida and let me tell you, I AM FREAKING THE EFF OUT completely calm.


But seriously, I'm starting to freak out.


What if I don't have enough money?


Real life smacked me in the face over the last week and I have less money than I intended on having for this trip. I guess I'll have to make do with what I have and continue practicing my frugal ways even while on vacation because I REFUSE to get a credit card.


What if something happens to my car?


We are driving my car down and I'm a little worried something is going to go wrong since A) its brand new (to me) and B) I have approximately ALL of my loan (minus one payment) left on it. So.. yeah. The last thing I need is for something to happen to my car and I have to go through this whole no car process ALL OVER AGAIN.

***

5 Hours until departureOkay so enough of my worries, lets talk about the trip a little bit shall we? :]


One of my best friends has never met her Father.
Up until last year, she only knew his name and that he lived in Florida.
Now she has his address and has sent a letter to him, asking if she can meet him.


I am praying and wishing and all that other nonsense that this goes well, that he is home and that she finds closure. I hope this goes the way we all hope it goes.. You know, that happy go lucky ending like in the movies, where they embrace and spend however long necessary getting to know each other and start building a lasting father-daughter relationship.


That would just make my heart sing.

But I'm having a lot of doubts about that happening.

I just hope to enjoy my vacation.

***

4 hours to go.

and my job is killing me. I am so ready to go home but time is dragging its feet like a small child being told to clean their room.. or maybe that's me when I'm told to clean my room.. whatever.. Today has been so full of blah blah blah and nonsense that I'm ready to just run out of here as fast as physically possible.. Of course, at 4:55 when it's time to go home, I'll be rushing to get everything done because:

1.) I spend far too much time looking at blogs working on organizing paperwork.
2.) I'm on the phone because people that call me at work LOVE TO TALK for more than the 2 minutes necessary
3.) One of my bosses will hand me a project they need completed by the end of the day 6 minutes to 5pm.

UGH.

***

3 hours and 40 minutes to go

I have hidden the time on my computer (with a post-it note thank you!) and have put my phone away.. Maybe if I don't pay attention to the time and just work.. I'll get something done.

Unlikely.

***

UNKNOWN amount of time to go.

I've been successful in not checking the clock every 2 minutes for... I don't know how long now. I honestly don't know how much longer I can hold out.

***

I smell popcorn.
*sigh* too bad I've developed an irrational fear of popcorn since our sale started back in
September.

***

4 minutes to 5... so 2 hours and 4 minutes till go time.

I'm going to leave here as soon as I post this and put some stuff way.

FLORIDA... HERE I COME!

I am beautiful... right?

Photo by Mo Hnatiuk

This is me.
Vulnerable.
In this picture, beautiful.

It cracks me up how beautiful I feel I look in this picture when the day it was taken, I was bitching about how I hadn't showered (gross) and had yesterday's make up still on my face. I stood in a bedroom of an apartment, covering up the naughty parts and stood there listening to my best friend snap photo after photo of my back.

It takes a lot for me to feel beautiful.
I, like so many others, struggle to find the beauty in myself.

People tell me I'm beautiful/pretty/hott/kablammy/whatever all the time.
But rarely do I see what they are talking about.

When those rare moments happen, and I can look in the mirror and cat call to myself, I find myself feeling radiant and ready to strut.
In fact, I do strut. Right on down the stairs to my mom and say "LOOKY LOOKY!"

Then, I go out and am immediately faced with self doubt and my inner voice. 

"No one is looking at you"
"You really thought you looked good? HAH?!"
"See that girl? You couldn't look like that if you tried."

Just like everyone else, my inner voice is an asshole.
and it makes me feel like tar ALL THE TIME.

I'm good at hiding my insecurities with being funny and witty.
I'm able to put on a good face and pretend to have a good time when I'm out.
Until someone gets me on my own and talking and I word vomit my insecurities all over them. Seriously, I get myself into a lot of messy conversations because I can't shut my effing mouth. EVER.


I'm scared for Florida.
All those people and their judgy eyes.
Who have been toning their bodies for months to have that perfect Florida look or a beach body if you will.
But, I will just go, do my thing, and enjoy because I'll kick myself later if I don't purely based on how icky I think my body/face is.
I don't want to be looked at like that girl who is trying to hard or the girl who could use a little more effort.

I really just want to be seen for me.

This is why I'm so grateful for this new project happening out on the interwebz.
I love what The Curvy Girl Guide is doing.
Talking about Real Girls with Real Curves.
I subscribed the moment I found out what they were doing.
You probably should too.
What they have to say is beautiful.
and real.

quick update.

Just wanted to pop in a quick update since I wasn't around much this week.

I'm leaving for Florida on Tuesday night & of course, I'm feeling exceptionally broke for my trip, but that's okay, I'll make it work. :]

Work has been a madhouse.
Popcorn is FINALLY a week away from being officially over.
I can only imagine what I will have to deal with this week though...
Oh well, its work.. what do you do?

I've been super busy watching Charmed on Netflix and half assing crunches in an attempt to get a beach body.  

I started Physical Therapy for my shoulder this week and that's interesting and WAY too freakin' early in the morning.

Well, that pretty much sums up everything.
I'm going to post tomorrow no matter what, I also have to get some posts prepped for you while I'm in Florida. GAH, I have so much to do.

But for now, my eyes are heavy and Psych is on Netflix and obviously.

*UPDATE* After reading this 5 seconds after I posted, I realized this is the WORST post ever and promise to give you better things tomorrow. 

Taking ME back.

I need a vacation.

My life is just a hot mess.

What I don't understand is why in the hell do I feel bad about everything?!

Okay, I told you a few posts back I'd let you in on what's going on in my life, here goes nothing.

My boyfriend of 2 years and I broke up.
In fact, I was the one that did the breaking because I just wasn't happy anymore. I tried for 6 months to be happy with him and nothing worked. He controlled my emotions and me as a whole and it took me a year and a half to realize it.

I lost friends and made enemies.
That was my fault, I'm the one who pushed these people away because he didn't want me to see them or just wanted to take up all my time. It was my choice to stay, it was my choice to be a home body if I wasn't going to be with him/by his side, it was all MY choice.

I was a damn fool.

What's funny to me is that even though the hurtful things he and other people are saying to me are hurting/getting to me (after a little over a month) I really think I'm leaving with a better deal.

Yesterday, after I cried my eyes out, I finally applied to go back to school. Yes, I finally took a step in the right direction on that front. I just gotta get my transcripts over to the school and wait 2 weeks..

I have the freedom to do what I want, when I want (money being the only issue) and it is a beautiful thing.

I'm getting *some* of my friends back day by day.
The ones that I've lost I suppose were never truly my friend in the first place.

Other than today, I'm waking up happy.
There is a lot to be said with that since I haven't woken up so much as 4 or 5 times in the past.. well.. 2 years.

The other amazing thing?

I'm going to Florida next week.

When I originally told him about this trip, he told me he would leave me if I went.

I'm going.
I'm missing Thanksgiving with my family.* (I love you all and I WILL miss you dearly.)
I'm doing this for me.
I finally get to live my life for me again.

and I'm going to Florida.


*My mom was REALLY against this trip until it dawned on her that the ex had actually told my I wasn't allowed to go. Now, she is all about it, telling me its my chance to finally do something without fear of consequences and to get back out there and live all over again