Part 4. The part that'll yank on your heart strings in a not so good way.

** This is the final installment. It'll likely be long.

The morning came to fast.
I woke up next to him, realizing my time with him was quickly running out.. he was leaving, I was staying (at least for the next 2 days) and I didn't know when I'd see him again. So I just appreciated it and took advantage of what little time I had and curled up next to him waiting for him to wake up.

When he did, it was a scramble for him to get ready to depart for his 2 week long field excercise training for the Army. He showered, got ready and I watched him put on his full uniform. Suddenly, this boy, who was wearing Rayban's and American Eagle only hours earlier was transformed into a soldier right before my eyes. I watched the intricate way he laced his boots and the care he took tucking in his shirt and buttoning his jacket. I'd never seen anything like that before in my life, unless it was in the movies and let me tell you, they don't compare to seeing the real thing. He laid his head on my chest and just looked at me for a while before telling me "I don't want to leave here and I don't want to leave you."

Eventually, we made our way to his truck to say goodbye, not knowing when we would see eachother again outside of the world of technology. I watched as he loaded his gear into his truck and half got in, waiting for me to come to him. I did, smiling a horribly broken hearted smile, wrapped my arms around his neck and pressed my forehead to his. I closed my eyes, taking in everything I could so that I could go back to that moment and remember every detail.

"I have to go..."

It was barely audible. The whisper was so quiet, I wasn't sure if it was him or my imagination. We kissed, our final kiss and I turned and walked away. I couldn't look back. I couldn't stand to watch him drive away, especially in Uniform. It was overwhelming and I am not ashamed to admit that I cried. He wasn't getting deployed, he was just off to do field excercise's for 2 weeks. I suppose I really didn't want to say goodbye, nor did I want to believe that my day with him had actually come to an end, reality being when he came home, I'd be a few hundred miles away. But, it had ended and I had to move forward and keep busy. It was the only logical way to keep time moving since every moment that passed was another moment closer to seeing him again.

Of course it took all of 2.3 seconds after leaving for him to text me and I spent the entire day, despite my sister's relentless teasing, texting him back and forth. Talking about what I was doing, what he was doing, ya know, the normal stuff. I think we were both waiting to talk about our day together until we could actually hear each others voices again. He waited until we got back to the apartment to call me, things had slowed down for him in the field, and I wasn't being pestered with silly little things like "You love him already" or "This is kind of disgusting. BLECK" and we just talked. We talked about how his baby blues had won me over and how he couldn't get over how confident I was in being myself (and how beautiful I was). We talked about music and what song we thought was a good description of ourselves. I told him mine was "She Ain't Right" by Lee Brice, he'd never heard it so I sang it to him. OVER THE PHONE. Clearly that was a sign I was in deep trouble emotionally. I was falling fast and very hard. It was beautiful and the best part was him saying he was feeling the same things.

After 2 years of being controlled and only "loved" when he wanted or needed something, not allowing me to have any friends or any kind of life... I mean really, I wasn't allowed to be myself, I was beyond ready for a change. And I got exactly what I hoped for. Someone who was a loving individual, respectful, and most of all accepting of me for me including all my quirks!

Within 2 days of my arrival home, a mere 3 days after I last saw him, he bought me a plane ticket to come back to DC, to spend a weekend with him. I had a wild case of butterflies.. a boy was buying something for me? I didn't even know such things could happen! What a wonderful world! We talked all we could, sent silly pictures and told each other things I, personally, never thought I'd share with anyone. It was seriously absolutely beautiful. I cherished every phone call, text, laugh, dream... etc.. etc... it was magical.

It had truly become my movie. My wonderful, everyone wishes they could have this, movie like romance. I pinched myself each morning I woke up, thinking it surely must be a dream, but no, each pinch drove me back to reality, this amazing incredible reality.

My life was wonderful, I was getting everything I wanted and more. I was truly happy, something I hadn't experienced in so long, I'd nearly forgotten what it felt like.

When he got home to DC from the field, we were a week away from my flight to spend the weekend with him. I was nervous and excited, I mean really, the days couldn't move any slower. We were both terribly busy and weren't talking much. At the time, I didn't think much of it, I was going to be with him, the only person I could think about, in a matter of days. Before I knew it, the calls weren't coming in anymore and the texts were no longer substantial. They were mere "yeah" and "okays" and everyones favorite, "k".  I brushed it off, let it go by the wayside and continued about my daily routine.

It was 4:45 on the Wednesday before my flight when my phone started vibrating over and over again. Text message after text message came in. I wasn't prepared for what I saw, and I sure as hell was happy I was sitting when I read them.

"I've been thinking a lot lately about the distance, and I just don't see how this could work. It would be different if you were here or I was there, but that isn't our reality right now. I'm sorry." (I paraphrased, I deleted the conversation a long time ago)

I started shaking. My breath caught in my throat, it was all I could do not to break down right there. I was crumbling. What the hell was happening? I told my boss I needed to go, left, hopped in my car and started driving. I had no destination, but I couldn't stay in one place. I was devastated.  How could this person who I'd connected so deeply with just decide to up and do this? To walk away without ever trying... Of course I spoke my peace, and I wasn't terribly nice about it. What a coward to say this to me through a text message. You don't even have the balls to call me? What did you think I was going to do? Or maybe he was just scared I'd hear the lies pouring out his mouth. We all figured he had found a girl that was there, something that was easy to handle because she lived closer and not states away. Well, I was in denial for a bit over whether or not that was true. I just didn't understand how in the hell that could happen to me. And like a fool, I still planned to go out there.. apparently to torture myself. But some divine intervention saved me from a weekend of what I'm sure would have been nothing but humiliating. My sister texted telling him how she felt about what he had done and he immediately turned around saying he didn't want me coming out there anymore.

At the end of the last message he said "I'll talk to you soon."
It's been almost 2 months and I haven't heard a word since that day.
And this biggest thing that I don't get is how he is in the ARMY and he doesn't think he can handle long distance. What the hell would he do if, god forbid, he got deployed?!

I have to tell you it was one of the best and worst things that have ever happened to me. In that short little month and a half I learned so much about myself and MANY lessons concerning people. I saw that I was capable of being myself 100% around someone that hasn't known me my whole life and that felt amazing. But I also learned to really take things one day at a time and appreciate what you have while you have it. I realized it was okay to take a risk, wear a blindfold and take that leap of faith and damnit I got the adventure I'd been looking for for a long time. Honestly, I wouldn't change a thing about it. It all happened for a reason and I've accepted that.

Today, I look back and see there were many red flags that I shouldn't have over looked during that time, like that fact that he blacked out the first night we officially met. I mean, thats real classy.. right? There are a few other things, but I don't need to talk about those... yet.

This was quite possible one of the hardest stories I've ever had to write and I hope that I wrote it in a way so that you too could feel the surprise and confusion I did at the time. I will let you know that things are wonderful around here and yes, there is a new boy. :) I'll tell you about him soon.

Pinky Promise.

Part 3. The part that'll yank on your heart strings, in a good way.

**Sorry its long, but it has to be this way.. I need this story to end after 1 more part.

After lunch, we went back to the truck for our final destination (not like the movie) before meeting up with my sister. He hid his GPS behind his hands so I couldn't see where he was taking me and I was totally okay with it. Normally I'd have a "What the hell?" moment, but with him I didn't. I felt safe and that day, like nothing in the world could get to me.


Now, there are about a million and one places that I really want to see in DC. I am hopelessly in love with that city and all it has to offer, so when he told me it was a place I'd talked about having a desire to see, I was no closer to figuring out where he was taking me. He, of course, thought he had given me some great and glorious hint and that I'd figure it out.. Honestly, I didn't figure it out until we all but walked into the building.. besides, I was too busy looking around taking in my surroundings. He called me back to reality to walk into the Crime & Punishment Museum.

For those of you who don't know, I'm a Criminal Justice Major (I'm also an ASL major) and this was definitely one of my dream destinations in DC. I love all things Crime. No, I wouldn't ever commit a crime, I just have this crazy dream to stop the bad guys and be one of those bad ass lady cops, but in reality I really just want to interpret law. Moving on...

I won't tell you about the museum, because I believe everyone needs to go out and experience these places on their own. However, I will tell you that I don't think I've ever smiled and laughed so much in my life, especially at a museum then I did with him. They offered this 'Solve the Mystery' booklet (for purchase, of course) and you go around the museum, reading every single detail in each exhibit, learning about all kinds of crimes and criminals and of course working with the best Partner I could have ever asked for. Our team work was impeccable and unstoppable. It flowed and was easy, no arguing outside of a joke here and there, we read to each other, pointed out little things that we found interesting, caused some mischief touching the things we shouldn't (shhh! don't rat me out now!) and like champions, we solved the mystery. After a series of high fives and wandering around the set of "America's Most Wanted" (which was LEGIT btw) we made a beeline through the rainy streets of DC, jumping in puddles and me praying I didn't fall flat on my ass.

I should mention that after lunch and through out the museum, we started some hard core flirting, you know, standing too close to one another, brushing arms ("accidentally" on purpose) and hands. There was this electricity in the air between us. We both knew it. We both felt it. I strategically placed my hand closer to his than what a normal person would, just to see if he would pick up on it. Being male, he didn't at first.. but well, we're getting to that part..

We met up with my sister and brother in law at a sports bar for some happy hour drinks. The boys ran off to play some games and my sister and I sat back and talked about our days, mostly mine, obviously. I couldn't help but watch the two boys. Mine kept glancing back at me and smiling. Then we decided it was probably time to put some food in us before the raging bitch in my sister and I decided to come out.

Did I mention that He always gave his arm for me to hold as we crossed the street, in this particular instance it was to cross the parking lot to the truck. If I did, I'm just reiterating, if not, he was seriously a perfect gentleman.

We got in the truck, buckled in and I, being the sneaky snake I am, strategically placed my hand back in the middle of the bench, hoping maybe this time he would get the hint. He did. Next thing I knew, his hand was on mine and it felt like I'd been holding his hand for years, they fit together without having to make it comfortable.. it just was. Not a word was said about it, we just let it happen, joking around about the day and talking about plans for the night. We held hands throughout dinner, yes just like that stupid high school couple you love to hate, catching each others eye every chance we could. The 4 of us shared a bottle of wine and enjoyed a wonderful Italian meal. Then it was time to head back home for some drinks and talking.

We got back and immediately started drinking, dancing, playing drinking games and just making fools of ourselves. It was a blast. My Sister and Brother-In-Law took turns dancing in the full Army gear that He had brought along with him. It was hilarious and the pictures/videos I have are priceless. My sister and I ended up having about 372 heart to hearts that night, while the boys stayed in drinking... heavily. My sister and I were a bit tipsy, but nothing like the guys. Now, my go to "am I sober?" test is how well I can sing. If I can still carry a tune on pitch, then I'm good, if not, well I am probaby a sloppy mess. At this point, I could still carry a tune. I'll never forget the way he looked at me as my sister and I sang Justin Bieber (don't judge me, you know the lyrics too) and I then continued to sing the next few songs on the play list.

"You told me you could sing Ella, but I didn't know you could sing like that"

I about died. I rarely sing in front of people that are outside my closest circles, especially not ones that I could potentially date.. and there I was doing just that. After about 30 seconds, it didn't matter that I had done that, nor that he had commented. At that point, I'd have only sang to him for the rest of the time we had together, just so he would continue to looking at me like I was the only girl in the world and nothing else mattered but me.

I only knew one thing that could and would make or break it. The kiss. I wasn't even sure it would happen and I nervously continued about my night waiting, wondering and wishing. As the other 2 went to bed, we were left alone and my heart was about to jump out of my chest. He grabbed my hand, twirled me around and began dancing with me. I'm talking hand in hand, his other hand on my waist, my hand around his neck romantic, fun dancing around the room. He stopped abruptly, and I had a good feeling as to what was about to happen, my breath caught in my throat as he leaned forward and kissed me.

You know every single movie you've ever seen where you are just waiting for that inevitable kiss to happen between the two leads and your heart jumps into your throat once it finally happens? That was exactly what happened, only better. The room was spinning all around us (not because we were intoxicted), yet it was like time had completely stopped and we were the only two people in the world. It was a moment I will never forget as long as I live.

We kept dancing until finally it was time for bed. We both got ready, brushing our teeth, putting on pj's not caring that he saw me without make up and my hair all crazy, we crawled into bed and promptly fell asleep.

The story doesn't end here, although we are getting mighty close to an ending I never, in a million years expected..

Part 2. The Plot.

*I think I'm going to need to do 4 posts, apparently I have more to say than I though... who knew?! 


You could feel the excitement vibrating off of me after I had bought my ticket. I was about to board a plane to DC, to spend 3 days with my family and to meet this guy that had somehow made me smile non stop for days.. Of course, I had about a week and a half to go and frankly, time couldn't have moved slower.

Luckily, I had 4th of July weekend to distract me (that weekend is a story on its own, let me tell you) and kept busy and drunk the entire time. When it was back to work on Tuesday I knew that the days would creep by and I had to do something to keep myself from going insane.

Of course, talking to him helped. We talked on the phone and texted trying to decide what we were going to do, well he was trying to decide.. I had made up my mind to just let the day happen and not make any plans. Which was a risk, and I knew that.. but so was the entire journey and if I was willing to take that risk, of course I could risk him planning our day together.

When Thursday finally arrived, I was more than ready to get out there. The day went by fast and by the time I was out of work, I was ready to hit the road. Luckily, I live about 5 minutes from the airport and being it is a SMALL airport, my mom and I took our time arriving and saying goodbye.

Through tears my mom looked at me and said, "I'm afraid you won't come home..."

"Of course I'm coming home mom. Why wouldn't I?"

With that, I hugged her goodbye, made her a promise I'd be home and headed off on my adventure. After an interesting conversation at the airport bar (YAY FOR BEING 21), I boarded my plane and was off. There was no turning back now. I thought back to the many conversations the boy and I had, in my mind nothing but good could come of this.

The flights were smooth, and I arrived in DC with no issue. I was picked up and taken to the apartment. My sister and I talked for about 5 minutes before we both decided we needed to go to bed, it was late and we had early mornings. Of course, I was all jittery and unable to sleep. Tomorrow was the big day and I was nervous, very nervous. Eventually sleep stopped alluding me and before I knew it I was waking up, ready to face the day. The next few hours are dull and drab, filled with me getting ready, reading, trying on every article of clothing I brought, watching daytime talk shows, and calling everyone that would listen to me freak out. And then....

*knock* *knock* *knock*

I started shaking immediately. He's here and this is really happening. I opened the door and there he was. Handsome, smiling, and everything I had expected. He bounded in and shook my hand, "You must be Ella, I'm *name*". Almost instantaneously my nerves were gone. I stopped shaking and was so ready to just go with it, whatever we were about to do for the day. He went to grab his gear as he was staying with us in the apartment before leaving for a military "camp" of sorts (where he was teaching hand to hand combatives). Meanwhile, I gathered my things, took one last glance in the mirror fixing and hiding any imperfections, and once all was said in done, we were ready to start our day.

He opened the door to his truck and I hopped in and the conversation immediately started. It flowed naturally and freely between the two of us, as if we had known each other for years and not just a few weeks. He took me to my very first Army Base, which was neat, I wish I could've seen more than just watching out a window but he had plans, and we had places to be. We took off towards Georgetown, he was giddy and spilled the beans on our first destination. "I want you to see the steps that were featured in 'The Excorcist'" He was so excited... I was so sad I had to admit to one of my flaws.. The one where my movie knowledge and viewing has been limited over the years and (don't hate or kill me) I have not seen the excorcist. He was a bit disappointed, but he took me there anyways, I jokingly told him we could re-enact the movie (obviously based off his memory) if there weren't people on the stairs. It was pretty cool to see something like that, something that only a few people know about, and in DC those gems are few and far between.

After we got back into the truck, we headed into Georgetown to find some lunch. After parking we walked around downtown, reading every restaurants menu, agreeing on restaurants we thought sounded good and those that sounded terrible. We walked all around, he stopped with me as I talked about supporting one of my more favorite causes with an activists. He listened intently and wasn't annoyed or bored as discussed the happenings of this organization. Eventually, I pulled away from the activist and we continued to walk on heading towards the restaurant we chose with a coin toss. He offered his arm as we crossed the street, wanting to make sure little ol' me got across safely.

I was smiling like an idiot. It isn't every day that I get treated that way and I loved it and appreciated it. Here I was, with a man who enjoyed ME for ME. It wasn't about what I looked like, because we had to have a "relationship" through conversation and intelligence. It wasn't about just being nice and putting up with his friends little sister... no, he appreciated me and was enjoying my company. I didn't have to be anyone else. I didn't have to edit out parts of my personality. As we sat there in our restaurant, me with my glass of wine, he with his beer, we discussed politics and it wasn't even a horrible conversation. We discussed just about everything you can think of, all while joking with each other and deciding to try Raw Oysters. Now, I'm always game to try new things, I love food and won't pass down an opportunity to enjoy something else... He is a meat and potatoes guy, but he did it. He sucked down the oysters with me and seemingly enjoyed it... "I'm trying to expand my taste for food, and drinks"

So respectable. So intelligent. So driven.
It was just... wonderful.
Every part of that meal, the food, the drink and the boy sitting across from me with the bluest eyes you have ever seen.

And despite only having a day together, we were only just beginning..

Since I have been completely AWOL lately, let's play the get to know you game.

I've been seeing about 8 million of these get to know you ABC's things around the blogosphere, so I figure it was high time I joined in on the fun.

Right now, I'm busy with work, enjoying the sunshine (FINALLY. It's about damn time), learning ASL (which is the best thing ever) and waiting to hear on my grant.

Once I hear about our grant you best believe I will be sharing with you our project.

Oh.. and did I mention I'm starting to date again?

Why yes... yes I am and it is wonderful.

Annd now, without further ado, my ABC's

A. Age: 20, 15 days till I'm 21
B. Bed Size: Double. Which completely blows when you grew up with a Queen.
C. Chore that you hate: Honestly, I am not a big fan of cleaning in general. If I had to pick it would be laundry because it isn't instantly satisfying, you have to wait FOREVER to make any progress. It's obnoxious.
D. Dogs: I had my baby George from the time I was 2 till I was 17. I miss my mutt more than anyone will ever know. I cried (and still cry) for about 2 weeks straight after we put him down. He was hands down the best dog in the entire world AND everyone loved him. You know you miss your dog when you still call for him after living in a completely different house that he would never see...
E. Essential start to your day: COFFEE. I can't stress that enough. You probably don't want to talk to me before I've had my coffee, I'm kind of an a*hole
F. Favorite Color: Green. Any shade.
G. Gold or Silver: Silver or White Gold. SO pretty.
H. Height: 5'2 and 3/4. According to my license I'm 5'3 and being this short, I will take it.
I. Instruments you play: French Horn, Piano, and I sing.. Your vocal cords are an instrument..right?
J. Job Title: Finance Assistant for the Boy Scouts of America (a council, not nationally)
K. Kids: I'd love to have a big family. But I should probably find a guy first.
L. Live: I live in good old Flint, MI, ya know, currently the most dangerous city in the US (and the world?) so you know I'm a badass.
M. Mother's Name: Virginia or Ginny.
N. Nicknames: Ellie, Elle, Belle, Bella, Gazella, Cinderella
O. Overnight hospital stays: None, thankfully!
P. Pet peeve: As of right now, its my nail polish being super chipped, like it currently is. This just started for me since I recently stopped biting my nails about 3 months ago.
Q. Quote from a movie: "Party on Wayne.. Party on Garth" - It's perfect for any situation.
R. Right or left handed: Righty
S. Siblings: My sister, Libby, is 28 and my Brother - In - Law, TJ, is 29.
T. Time you wake up: Weekdays - 7:25 Days off/Weekends - whenever, but usually around 8:30 or 9.
U. Underwear: Victoria's Secret usually boy cut booty shorts or lacey... (TMI?)
V. Vegetable you hate: I've grown to love all veggies. You just have to find the right way to cook/dip them.
W. What makes you run late: My hair, over sleeping, getting lost, forgetting things, pretty much my entire life.
X. X-Rays you've had: Teeth, shoulder, hand, chest, ummm.... finger... I think that's it.
Y. Yummy food that you make: I'm not much of a cook, but I'll go with my tuna noodle casserole.
Z. Zoo Animal: ZEBRA.

My final say.

I don't know what it is about going to the bathroom, but when I enter a bathroom it's like an onslaught of crazy thoughts come into my head and completely take over. It's like an alien abduction without getting taken into space... or an alien for that matter... anyways..

that just happened to me.

but I'm thinking about my break up, the one that happened 7 months ago, and I need to get this off my chest.

As i was peeing, I looked down at my right hand toward the finger that was once home to my Claddagh ring. I took it off a couple weeks ago thinking it just didn't feel right resting there anymore. I mean, I (and I mean my mom bought it, hello I am WAY superstitious when it comes to Claddaghs) bought it out in Colorado, when I was with him, thinking it would just be a symbol of our foreverness.

I don't think I'll ever be able to wear that again.
I need to buy a new one, one that is just for me.

Then, while washing my hands, another thought struck me.... I remember being happy with him.. but I don't remember how it felt being happy with him.

In my mind, its like a sea of pictures screaming at me "HEY ELLA, see that smile? It's genuine... don't you remember that day?" over and over again. Wanting me to remember, wanting me to feel that again.

It hurts to realize I don't remember being happy when I was with him, I mean I loved him. The boy was my first real love.  I will love him forever and for always.

But it is time for the pictures to fade away in a box, in my attic.
Time for the stuffed animals and cards and notes to be stashed.
Time for me to be grateful and happy for the memories I do have.

and definitely time for me to move forward with my life.

As I was adjusting my clothes and primping my hair, I picked up my own chin, forced a smile on my face and will continue to remind myself that this is okay.

It's okay to move forward.
It's okay to feel absolutely heartbroken.
                                                                    but, only for today.

So this is my final say. You will not hear of this break up again.

Tomorrow, I'm getting back to me.


Stupid bathroom.
YOU RUIN EVERYTHING. ;)

My Blind Date.

I met someone.
I think I'm really falling you guys.

It was terribly spectacular, I mean I remembering looking at them for the first time and my heart skipping a beat and butterflies filling up the entirety of my body. That  whole just knowing that this is soon to be a life long affair.

Did I mention I met this person online? Now, that was a step for me being someone who is overly cautious when it comes to the internets. Seems kind of hypocritical though right? I mean, when I write (since i've been a lazy bum as of late), I am opening up a little part of me that youze guyz (honing my inner mobster) get to share.

I'm getting off topic & this was the epitomy of awesome so lets get back to our story, shall we?

SO a few weeks ago, I stumbled across this blog and I was all, "DAMN, I really like this!" then I kept reading only to start recognizing some of the places that were being talked about..

Could it be? Have I finally found a blogger from my own state!!!!!!!!
Well, I couldn't let that go and emailed them to ask about 2 seconds after realizing that.

The best part... She responded and didn't think I was creepy!

Thus our Stalger (Blog & Stalker joined in one glorious word) love was born!

Editor's note - we shall call her The Tall One. Click her link posted later. k thanks.

We emailed for 2 weeks before we decided that it was high time we got serious and exchanged numbers. That turned into me deciding to go visit her at her place of employment. A place where they serve DAMN good food.

What can I say? We move fast 'round here.

So, I rounded  up my best friend and headed to the place where they serve DAMN good food.

On the drive down Chris and I literally only talked about Greek Mythology. We are just cool like that. It wasn't until we got there that it kind of hit me... what if she hates me and spits in my food?!

editor's note: She would never ever do that to anyone in a million years. For the record..

Walking in, I was nervous and excited. Then I saw her and we waved and it was exciting and her manager or something was all "Are you Ella?"

"why yes, yes I am." I replied with a big shit eatin' grin on my face.

I was famous in a place that served DAMN good food! HAPPY DAY.

Turns out, we get along as famously as we did emailing. Conversation flowed (when she was able to talk since you know, she was working) and we met her best friend and it was just glorious happy times all around.

The service was fantastic. The food was glorious and the company we got was even better. There was a LOT of laughter and talking about anything and everything. The Tall One introduced her to her Best Friend V who was awesome. Here is a picture of the 4 of us.




No, I'm not sitting. I'm just that short.

So as you can see, I'm really short. like... 5'2" short, while my best friend (the dude) is 6'8" and then The Tall One being 6'3" and her best friend (the one that looks like a Sesame Street Character, holla!) is 5'5". So yeah, the two of is in front. NOT SITTING. they are just RIDICULOUSLY tall. But, at least I know I'll always have friends that can reach things on the top shelf for me.. Just kidding.. you will be handy for other things too :) and I suppose we could hang out on occasion..

OHH and then there was the time where they added a 3rd really tall person to our epic party.
This guy was 6'6".

So what did the tall people do?

They high fived each other over us short people... and yeah, I am still pretty bitter about it.
but its okay, they should just watch their ankles and knee caps because I can get to those pretty easy.

So overall, I had this awesome experience connecting with someone that blogs in my state, had a love affair via email (V, don't worry, I shall not steal her!) and then met up and I truly believe this is the start of a fantastic friendship and hopefully many good times. :)

by the way, The Tall One was a fantastic server. Neither Chris or myself had one complaint the entire night.
Now, that is saying something. :)

You've been [semi] warned. I should probably divulge a little more information than this...

I was going to write about how I have serious anger managment/temper issues.. but I'm getting too pissed off because I can't find the right way to put it.

Bottom line, I have a temper.
Don't egg me on.. or do and see what happens.
Your choice.

Obviously this face is much better in person because I'm not trying to pose for it.
also, I got mad that I couldn't get a good picture but I'm at work and this is the best I can do. SO I'll just have to live with it.

Basically, things make me fly off the handle at the drop of a hat. It's bad. I'm constantly working on not getting so angry or worked up over stupid things, but usually I just get frustrated, which makes me angry, then I stress out over being angry all the time. It is a vicious cycle.

Will this make you like me a little more?
No?
I can deal with that.

[insert segway here since I've got nothing good to say as a transition]

Something awesome happened this week.

Blunt (Brit) over at Blunt Delivery told everyone that I'm better than Ke$ha.. or something like that. :]

She made me blush immensely in all kinds of weird places.

So if you are travelling here from over in Blunt's world....

Don't ask.. I have been playing with picnik.. okay??

*****

More to come this week (and probably next) when I talk about my need of acceptance and my epic laziness.

Get excited.

Baldy McBALD.

You guys.. I had (kind of still have) a bald spot.

It happened last year, around the time a friend of mine passed away.

I woke up one day and BOOM.

BALD.

I absolutely panicked. What the hell was going on with me?

WHY WAS I GOING BALD SINCE MY ENTIRE FAMILY HAS A VERY FULL HEAD OF HAIR?????????????????????????????????

obviously, I was irrational, I mean hello, what 19 year old wants to start going bald? Okay lets be real, who wants to go bald period? That's right.. the ones that do are few and far between.

So yeah, I was going bald.

Thankfully, its growing back now, as you can see from above. I wish I had a better picture to show just how bald that spot was. It was scary and embarassing. I'll look through pictures and see what I can find.

Anyways, I debated on whether or not to tell the internetz about my bald spot.

and since this my week of confessions, I figured I might as well.

To get back to where I left off, you know, realized I was balding, freaking out...

OO! OO! Ella, what did you do next???

Well, of course I cried to my mother and she immediately started looking to the internet for answers. I tried to avoid that because I don't want to think I have cancer before I have reason to think I had cancer.. if that makes sense. Then she started asking people. Apparently, its pretty common for women to get bald spots.

UMM... THAT IS UNACCEPTABLE.

So, I did what any rational person would do and I made an appointment with my Gynecologist because obviously my lady bits were making me go bald. Logic was not my best friend during these days people.

Turns out I stressed myself out to the point of losing my hair.

Yeah.

I was told to relax.

take a bath, read a book, write, walk.. whatever

I'm all, how am I supposed to relax when I know that my stress level makes me lose my hair which is stressful in and of itself because I really don't want to be bald, I like having my own hair, I don't want to wear wigs.

Yes, just like that, my stress level went through the roof.

and while my hair may be growing back, my stress level hasn't gotten any better. Some days it seems like I just shed endlessly and I am bound to go bald any moment. Others, I lose one or two strands and my hair calls it good. But the only common factor is that I stress over everything. Which I can relate back to yesterdays entry about me being a masochist (and an alienator).  

If I would stop putting myself in these awful positions ALL THE TIME, I might just be able to relax and probably stop losing my hair.

After I had this realization, what do I go off an do?

Throw myself into a pit of drama snakes and scream like hell.

Yes. I know, I'm brilliant.

How do you unwind/relax?

It's something I definitely need to work on.
My stress levels are constantly through the roof.
Help.

Editor's Note: Can I just say that I am very frustrated with the fact that this is all center aligned? I am, its stressing me out looking at it and yes, I tried to fix it, but it wouldn't take. I kind of want to punch Blogger.

The Alienator and the Masochist.

For some reason, people tell me I am good at things. Possibly because I am, or maybe its just because they want me to feel good about myself. Either way, people continue to tell me I'm good at things.

I know there is one thing I am particularly good at.
Okay maybe 2 things.. neither of which are terribly positive.

The first...

I am the QUEEN of alienation.
____________________

al·ien·ate

   /ˈeɪlyəˌneɪt, ˈeɪliə-/ Show Spelled[eyl-yuh-neyt, ey-lee-uh-] Show IPA

–verb (used with object), -at·ed, -at·ing.

1.

to make indifferent or hostile: He has alienated his entire family.

2.

to turn away; transfer or divert: to alienate funds from their intended purpose.

via

_______________________

 

I am ridiculously good at pushing people away, turning my back on people, and just vanishing for long periods of time. I don't know why I do this. I don't want to do this, but it happens ALL THE TIME. Its a wonder I have friends anymore after the bullshit I've put them through again and again. Actually, I'm pretty sure I'm running out of time with some of these people. They are getting fed up with my antics and I can't say I blame them. I try so hard to be a good friend and to make everyone happy, but then I have this overwhelming urge to just run like hell and do the "loner" thing all over again.

 

What the hell, Ella?

 

Actually, I'm in one of my alienation phases right now. I want out, but I can't bring myself to just face my friends.

 

The second thing I'm UNBELIEVABLY good at...

 

I am a Masochist.

 

Throwing myself into the drama.

 

It's like I feed off of it. Sometimes, it seems as though I won't make it through unless I become involved with some sort of drama.

 

"Ella, its like you purposely throw yourself into the bullshit. You like the drama, you like hurt. What is the matter with you?"

 

Someone very dear to me said that to me recently. And they are right, for as much as I hate drama I am just absolutely drawn to it. Apparently, my mind treats it like it is air and I won't survive without it. It makes me feel like a masochist. Why do I get such pleasure out of the immense amount of pain I feel?

____________

mas·och·ism

   /ˈmæsəˌkɪzəm, ˈmæz-/ Show Spelled[mas-uh-kiz-uhm, maz-] Show IPA

–noun

1.

Psychiatry . the condition in which sexual gratification depends on suffering, physical pain, and humiliation.

2.

gratification gained from pain, deprivation, degradation, etc., inflicted or imposed on oneself, either as a result of one's own actions or the actions of others, especially the tendency to seek this form of gratification.

3.

the act of turning one's destructive tendencies inward or upon oneself.

4.

the tendency to find pleasure

via   (we are going to focus on definition #2 people)

_________________________

 

Yeah, I'm good at those things and I am not proud. I want to work through them. I want to get better.

 

I want to be the best friend I can be, because lately... I just haven't been.

 

So, this week, in an attempt to regain what little dignity I feel I have left, I am going to be writing out my issues. I'm going to turn to you, and hope you have words of advice or encouragement because frankly, I need to man up here.

 

I just hope I can salvage the friendships I have left.

2011, I love you already. Don't make me regret saying that.

To say I have enjoyed the first 5 days of the New Year would be an understatement.

I mean really, I haven't been so happy to see a year go since 2004. I don't remember why I was so happy to see 2004 go, it probably had something to do with being an angsty 14 year old. Ah well, se la vie (is that how you even spell that?) to the old and Bienvenue to the new. (I don't even know if that is the same language. hah)

So, for 2011, I am trying some new things to keep this year positive and hopefully ick free.

Here are 5 AWESOME things that are going to happen throughout 2011.

1. I am writing a "Grateful for" journal. I have a brand new journal (that I found empty on my shelf BONUS) that I write the date and what I'm grateful for from that day. I haven't had any problems coming up with anything yet since its been nothing but the awesome around my life since I've started.

Editor's Note: When I was in 4th grade we would have in class spelling bees, I'll never forget the day that we had the word grateful and went through the line 4 times (not even exaggerating) before somebody spelled it right and seriously, we spelled it the same way each time g-r-e-a-t-f-u-l. You would think we would've learned after the 2nd time around but no. Now, I'll never forget how to spell grateful.

2. I have registered for 2 classes and they start on Thursday. I can't even begin to explain to you how excited I am to get my learn on. Yeah, I just said that. Hopefully, I will be extremely successful, working full time (and then some) going to school and balancing my social life. How does/did that work out for you guys?

3. I am focusing back on me. I finally have time for myself and damnit, I'm going to take advantage of that! I'm hoping to get back to making my little felt creatures and felt cozy's. Possibly pick up my brushes and start painting again. I don't know! THE POSSIBILITIES ARE ENDLESS. GAH! I couldn't be more excited to finally get back to me.

4. I am going to be travelling a LOT more this year. I have already planned on going out to DC to visit my sister and brother-in-law 2 times this year, I'm trying to figure out how to get out of the country and visit Italy or Greece.. I'm not sure which yet, it also may not happen this year, but it is my goal. I will also try to get around my home state a little more because Michigan has a LOT to offer. I'm pretty excited for that too. I'm probably going to try to get out west again as well. I want to see all 50 states by the time I'm 50 and I have 13 (which includes DC) under my belt so there is a LOT of states left.

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST.

5. I'M FINALLY TURNING 21!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! All of my friends are already 21 and or have a birthday in the next 3 months. It will be so much easier to go out without them trying to accomodate me all the damn time. :]

So yeah, I have a lot of fantastic things planned for 2011.

Let's get the ball rolling 2011, shall we?

Now, back to our regularly scheduled programming *hopefully* tomorrow.

One last thing...

So I know I said I wasn't going to post till after the New Year BUT I'm getting a lot of comments about how shitty 2010 was for all of you and frankly I say we should band together and give 2010 a big ol'

FUCK YOU 2010.

HEY 2010, DON'T LET THE DOOR HIT YOU IN THE ASS ON YOUR WAY OUT!

Have a spectacular New Year my Loves. :]

Scrooge-itis

You are probably going to want to punch me in the face.


I'm waiting on permissions to give you part 3 of a Daddy/Daughter Story. I've been working on it all week and haven't gotten too far. BUT it is coming.. likely after Christmas, so you'll just have to put up with me for  the next week or so.

I am not ready for the Holiday's. Don't get me wrong, I'm totally looking forward to seeing my family, eating too much food and opening presents, but I am by no means ready for the Holiday's.

I haven't even really gotten into Christmas music, our tree has only a few ornaments on it (which my dad put up BY HIMSELF),  and I'm just not feeling even remotely excited for the Christmas.

What's with my Scrooge attitude? I am not a Scrooge! I haven't even put together a Christmas wish list. Mostly because I don't know what I want.

Actually i do know what I want but it is completely unrealistic for Christmas because my family isn't uber rich and neither am I. So my dreams of receiving an iPad for Christmas are nill, but I'm sure it will be a great Christmas.. once I give a list out for what I want.

I'm also no where near done with my Christmas shopping. I guess I don't understand how I feel more broke/behind on everything this year when I am making considerably more money than last year.. It doesn't make sense to me. Oh well, it will work out just like it does every other year.

So now I'm working through my boredom at work with some Christmas music courtesy of Pandora. I have to say while it is lovely listening to my favorite Jazz Artists serenade me with fa la lalala la's and Merry Christmas's, I am still feeling a little Scroogey.

Maybe I need to have a Christmas movie marathon.

Perhaps I'll just feel better when I'm done with my shopping.

Or maybe my Break up is just getting the better of my emotionally. It hasn't been easy, at all. There have been so many ups and downs. I haven't talked about it much other than the above link and I think it is just getting to me that I only have my family's Christmas this year and no where to go afterwards, no plans to look forward to once my family is gone.. It sucks so completely, but I'll figure it out, I have to. It's a part of this whole moving forward with my life thing I'm working on..

Speaking of which..

I AM OFFICIALLY A COLLEGE STUDENT AGAIN.
I am so excited and so fully ready to go back to school it is unreal.

It is time to move on with my life.

Well, I'm off to try to get rid of my "Scrooge-itis".

Florida.. My big realization.

I missed this one the other day. We have mastered the duck face.

Florida made me realize that I really need a change.

And not the typical girl change where something big happens and you color and cut your hair. 

I'm talking BIG CHANGE.


a change of location, lifestyle, personality, whatever.. I just need a change.


I need to feel like something is happening in my life again.
I want to feel excited to get up and go out.

But I'm not.
I don't feel excited and I certainly don't feel like I'm accomplishing much.

*yes, I'm going to be a bit of a Debbie Downer here, bear with me.*

My life has been all shambly and just flat out depressing for a while now. With the break up and some other craptastic things happening, I've been struggling day to day to keep my mind occupied enough to keep away from the bad thoughts. That usually means I am completely blocked when it comes to writing and why my new site that I was so excited about has been so severely neglected.

This is why I haven't even written in my own journal, where I am the ONLY one to read, in months.

It's a nasty road that I've been down before, this damn depression thing. I kicked it's ass last year and I am fighting tooth and nail to defeat it again this year.. Not that it ever truly goes away, I just learned to keep my beasts at bay while life continues to move on.

When meeting new people they always ask people my age where they are going to school, what they are studying yadee yada yada.. you probably know what I'm talking about... and when you are surrounded by people talking about school and their life dreams/goals its really hard to sit there and say..

"Oh, me? I'm not in school right now, haven't been for about a year now.. I just work. A lot."

It's getting to be embarrassing.
I'm ashamed of the choices I've made in some respects.

Luckily, I have applied to go back to school and have sent in all the corresponding paperwork in order to make this a reality because DAMMIT, I'm ready. I'm ready to get my life started.


Which brings me to what Florida made me realize..


I don't have anything truly tying me to Michigan except for my family and my job. But let's get real, my job is temporary. A few years and they'll be searching for my replacement because I'll be moving onto greener pastures and a career I actually enjoy. Family is obviously irreplaceable, at least to me, but it wouldn't be the end of the world if i left. 


It showed me there are opportunities for me other places. I knew that before, but I guess it didn't dawn on me till I was there, standing in Disney World or driving all over the state, that I could do whatever I wanted, I am completely capable. 
I am so able and so ready.


Which is why I've started planning.
I'm planning my big move. Literally.


Starting January 1, 2011 I will be saving my tushy off in order to move out of this place and get going with my life. 


I'm telling you, I need a change.


and I think that change has to be location.


I'm going to attempt to write a little every day this week in order to make up for my serious lack of effort as well as to just get my juices flowing again.


I promise the rest of it won't be so blah and drab. 


I'll share some embarrassing stories or something.
that should keep you coming back.. right?


Well, I can't say I blame you if you leave. I've not been a very good writer to you..


ALSO, the story of my friend meeting her father. 
and me facing my insecurities. 


It should get interesting around here.