Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Part 4. The part that'll yank on your heart strings in a not so good way.

** This is the final installment. It'll likely be long.

The morning came to fast.
I woke up next to him, realizing my time with him was quickly running out.. he was leaving, I was staying (at least for the next 2 days) and I didn't know when I'd see him again. So I just appreciated it and took advantage of what little time I had and curled up next to him waiting for him to wake up.

When he did, it was a scramble for him to get ready to depart for his 2 week long field excercise training for the Army. He showered, got ready and I watched him put on his full uniform. Suddenly, this boy, who was wearing Rayban's and American Eagle only hours earlier was transformed into a soldier right before my eyes. I watched the intricate way he laced his boots and the care he took tucking in his shirt and buttoning his jacket. I'd never seen anything like that before in my life, unless it was in the movies and let me tell you, they don't compare to seeing the real thing. He laid his head on my chest and just looked at me for a while before telling me "I don't want to leave here and I don't want to leave you."

Eventually, we made our way to his truck to say goodbye, not knowing when we would see eachother again outside of the world of technology. I watched as he loaded his gear into his truck and half got in, waiting for me to come to him. I did, smiling a horribly broken hearted smile, wrapped my arms around his neck and pressed my forehead to his. I closed my eyes, taking in everything I could so that I could go back to that moment and remember every detail.

"I have to go..."

It was barely audible. The whisper was so quiet, I wasn't sure if it was him or my imagination. We kissed, our final kiss and I turned and walked away. I couldn't look back. I couldn't stand to watch him drive away, especially in Uniform. It was overwhelming and I am not ashamed to admit that I cried. He wasn't getting deployed, he was just off to do field excercise's for 2 weeks. I suppose I really didn't want to say goodbye, nor did I want to believe that my day with him had actually come to an end, reality being when he came home, I'd be a few hundred miles away. But, it had ended and I had to move forward and keep busy. It was the only logical way to keep time moving since every moment that passed was another moment closer to seeing him again.

Of course it took all of 2.3 seconds after leaving for him to text me and I spent the entire day, despite my sister's relentless teasing, texting him back and forth. Talking about what I was doing, what he was doing, ya know, the normal stuff. I think we were both waiting to talk about our day together until we could actually hear each others voices again. He waited until we got back to the apartment to call me, things had slowed down for him in the field, and I wasn't being pestered with silly little things like "You love him already" or "This is kind of disgusting. BLECK" and we just talked. We talked about how his baby blues had won me over and how he couldn't get over how confident I was in being myself (and how beautiful I was). We talked about music and what song we thought was a good description of ourselves. I told him mine was "She Ain't Right" by Lee Brice, he'd never heard it so I sang it to him. OVER THE PHONE. Clearly that was a sign I was in deep trouble emotionally. I was falling fast and very hard. It was beautiful and the best part was him saying he was feeling the same things.

After 2 years of being controlled and only "loved" when he wanted or needed something, not allowing me to have any friends or any kind of life... I mean really, I wasn't allowed to be myself, I was beyond ready for a change. And I got exactly what I hoped for. Someone who was a loving individual, respectful, and most of all accepting of me for me including all my quirks!

Within 2 days of my arrival home, a mere 3 days after I last saw him, he bought me a plane ticket to come back to DC, to spend a weekend with him. I had a wild case of butterflies.. a boy was buying something for me? I didn't even know such things could happen! What a wonderful world! We talked all we could, sent silly pictures and told each other things I, personally, never thought I'd share with anyone. It was seriously absolutely beautiful. I cherished every phone call, text, laugh, dream... etc.. etc... it was magical.

It had truly become my movie. My wonderful, everyone wishes they could have this, movie like romance. I pinched myself each morning I woke up, thinking it surely must be a dream, but no, each pinch drove me back to reality, this amazing incredible reality.

My life was wonderful, I was getting everything I wanted and more. I was truly happy, something I hadn't experienced in so long, I'd nearly forgotten what it felt like.

When he got home to DC from the field, we were a week away from my flight to spend the weekend with him. I was nervous and excited, I mean really, the days couldn't move any slower. We were both terribly busy and weren't talking much. At the time, I didn't think much of it, I was going to be with him, the only person I could think about, in a matter of days. Before I knew it, the calls weren't coming in anymore and the texts were no longer substantial. They were mere "yeah" and "okays" and everyones favorite, "k".  I brushed it off, let it go by the wayside and continued about my daily routine.

It was 4:45 on the Wednesday before my flight when my phone started vibrating over and over again. Text message after text message came in. I wasn't prepared for what I saw, and I sure as hell was happy I was sitting when I read them.

"I've been thinking a lot lately about the distance, and I just don't see how this could work. It would be different if you were here or I was there, but that isn't our reality right now. I'm sorry." (I paraphrased, I deleted the conversation a long time ago)

I started shaking. My breath caught in my throat, it was all I could do not to break down right there. I was crumbling. What the hell was happening? I told my boss I needed to go, left, hopped in my car and started driving. I had no destination, but I couldn't stay in one place. I was devastated.  How could this person who I'd connected so deeply with just decide to up and do this? To walk away without ever trying... Of course I spoke my peace, and I wasn't terribly nice about it. What a coward to say this to me through a text message. You don't even have the balls to call me? What did you think I was going to do? Or maybe he was just scared I'd hear the lies pouring out his mouth. We all figured he had found a girl that was there, something that was easy to handle because she lived closer and not states away. Well, I was in denial for a bit over whether or not that was true. I just didn't understand how in the hell that could happen to me. And like a fool, I still planned to go out there.. apparently to torture myself. But some divine intervention saved me from a weekend of what I'm sure would have been nothing but humiliating. My sister texted telling him how she felt about what he had done and he immediately turned around saying he didn't want me coming out there anymore.

At the end of the last message he said "I'll talk to you soon."
It's been almost 2 months and I haven't heard a word since that day.
And this biggest thing that I don't get is how he is in the ARMY and he doesn't think he can handle long distance. What the hell would he do if, god forbid, he got deployed?!

I have to tell you it was one of the best and worst things that have ever happened to me. In that short little month and a half I learned so much about myself and MANY lessons concerning people. I saw that I was capable of being myself 100% around someone that hasn't known me my whole life and that felt amazing. But I also learned to really take things one day at a time and appreciate what you have while you have it. I realized it was okay to take a risk, wear a blindfold and take that leap of faith and damnit I got the adventure I'd been looking for for a long time. Honestly, I wouldn't change a thing about it. It all happened for a reason and I've accepted that.

Today, I look back and see there were many red flags that I shouldn't have over looked during that time, like that fact that he blacked out the first night we officially met. I mean, thats real classy.. right? There are a few other things, but I don't need to talk about those... yet.

This was quite possible one of the hardest stories I've ever had to write and I hope that I wrote it in a way so that you too could feel the surprise and confusion I did at the time. I will let you know that things are wonderful around here and yes, there is a new boy. :) I'll tell you about him soon.

Pinky Promise.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Part 3. The part that'll yank on your heart strings, in a good way.

**Sorry its long, but it has to be this way.. I need this story to end after 1 more part.

After lunch, we went back to the truck for our final destination (not like the movie) before meeting up with my sister. He hid his GPS behind his hands so I couldn't see where he was taking me and I was totally okay with it. Normally I'd have a "What the hell?" moment, but with him I didn't. I felt safe and that day, like nothing in the world could get to me.

Now, there are about a million and one places that I really want to see in DC. I am hopelessly in love with that city and all it has to offer, so when he told me it was a place I'd talked about having a desire to see, I was no closer to figuring out where he was taking me. He, of course, thought he had given me some great and glorious hint and that I'd figure it out.. Honestly, I didn't figure it out until we all but walked into the building.. besides, I was too busy looking around taking in my surroundings. He called me back to reality to walk into the Crime & Punishment Museum.

For those of you who don't know, I'm a Criminal Justice Major (I'm also an ASL major) and this was definitely one of my dream destinations in DC. I love all things Crime. No, I wouldn't ever commit a crime, I just have this crazy dream to stop the bad guys and be one of those bad ass lady cops, but in reality I really just want to interpret law. Moving on...

I won't tell you about the museum, because I believe everyone needs to go out and experience these places on their own. However, I will tell you that I don't think I've ever smiled and laughed so much in my life, especially at a museum then I did with him. They offered this 'Solve the Mystery' booklet (for purchase, of course) and you go around the museum, reading every single detail in each exhibit, learning about all kinds of crimes and criminals and of course working with the best Partner I could have ever asked for. Our team work was impeccable and unstoppable. It flowed and was easy, no arguing outside of a joke here and there, we read to each other, pointed out little things that we found interesting, caused some mischief touching the things we shouldn't (shhh! don't rat me out now!) and like champions, we solved the mystery. After a series of high fives and wandering around the set of "America's Most Wanted" (which was LEGIT btw) we made a beeline through the rainy streets of DC, jumping in puddles and me praying I didn't fall flat on my ass.

I should mention that after lunch and through out the museum, we started some hard core flirting, you know, standing too close to one another, brushing arms ("accidentally" on purpose) and hands. There was this electricity in the air between us. We both knew it. We both felt it. I strategically placed my hand closer to his than what a normal person would, just to see if he would pick up on it. Being male, he didn't at first.. but well, we're getting to that part..

We met up with my sister and brother in law at a sports bar for some happy hour drinks. The boys ran off to play some games and my sister and I sat back and talked about our days, mostly mine, obviously. I couldn't help but watch the two boys. Mine kept glancing back at me and smiling. Then we decided it was probably time to put some food in us before the raging bitch in my sister and I decided to come out.

Did I mention that He always gave his arm for me to hold as we crossed the street, in this particular instance it was to cross the parking lot to the truck. If I did, I'm just reiterating, if not, he was seriously a perfect gentleman.

We got in the truck, buckled in and I, being the sneaky snake I am, strategically placed my hand back in the middle of the bench, hoping maybe this time he would get the hint. He did. Next thing I knew, his hand was on mine and it felt like I'd been holding his hand for years, they fit together without having to make it comfortable.. it just was. Not a word was said about it, we just let it happen, joking around about the day and talking about plans for the night. We held hands throughout dinner, yes just like that stupid high school couple you love to hate, catching each others eye every chance we could. The 4 of us shared a bottle of wine and enjoyed a wonderful Italian meal. Then it was time to head back home for some drinks and talking.

We got back and immediately started drinking, dancing, playing drinking games and just making fools of ourselves. It was a blast. My Sister and Brother-In-Law took turns dancing in the full Army gear that He had brought along with him. It was hilarious and the pictures/videos I have are priceless. My sister and I ended up having about 372 heart to hearts that night, while the boys stayed in drinking... heavily. My sister and I were a bit tipsy, but nothing like the guys. Now, my go to "am I sober?" test is how well I can sing. If I can still carry a tune on pitch, then I'm good, if not, well I am probaby a sloppy mess. At this point, I could still carry a tune. I'll never forget the way he looked at me as my sister and I sang Justin Bieber (don't judge me, you know the lyrics too) and I then continued to sing the next few songs on the play list.

"You told me you could sing Ella, but I didn't know you could sing like that"

I about died. I rarely sing in front of people that are outside my closest circles, especially not ones that I could potentially date.. and there I was doing just that. After about 30 seconds, it didn't matter that I had done that, nor that he had commented. At that point, I'd have only sang to him for the rest of the time we had together, just so he would continue to looking at me like I was the only girl in the world and nothing else mattered but me.

I only knew one thing that could and would make or break it. The kiss. I wasn't even sure it would happen and I nervously continued about my night waiting, wondering and wishing. As the other 2 went to bed, we were left alone and my heart was about to jump out of my chest. He grabbed my hand, twirled me around and began dancing with me. I'm talking hand in hand, his other hand on my waist, my hand around his neck romantic, fun dancing around the room. He stopped abruptly, and I had a good feeling as to what was about to happen, my breath caught in my throat as he leaned forward and kissed me.

You know every single movie you've ever seen where you are just waiting for that inevitable kiss to happen between the two leads and your heart jumps into your throat once it finally happens? That was exactly what happened, only better. The room was spinning all around us (not because we were intoxicted), yet it was like time had completely stopped and we were the only two people in the world. It was a moment I will never forget as long as I live.

We kept dancing until finally it was time for bed. We both got ready, brushing our teeth, putting on pj's not caring that he saw me without make up and my hair all crazy, we crawled into bed and promptly fell asleep.

The story doesn't end here, although we are getting mighty close to an ending I never, in a million years expected..

Friday, August 26, 2011

Taking a break (shocking!) to show you this conversation.

So eventually, I'll feel up to writing the ending of that story that I have started.
I won't say anymore than that.. I want you to be surprised. duh.

anyways, lots of things have been going on around here including (but not limited to) being hit by brick wall after brick wall (figuratively), which then get blown up (figuratively) and I end up becoming a huge cranky bitch who will destroy you should you cross her path the wrong way (literally.. almost happened the other night. I scared this poor kid half to death... I should work on this..)

anyways, this morning I texted my best friend after crying a lot, for silly not real life (even though its real to me) stuffs.

Me: I swear to god, I cry everytime dobby dies.

editor's note: I re-read Harry Potter every summer. I'm on the 7th book now. This is my 4th year in a row doing this... and yes, I cry EVERY TIME Dobby dies. I'm feeling a little teary right now...

C: Awww :( he's just a house elf. I'm pretty sure I cried too.

Me: Dobby is not ust a house elf! Don't speak such blasphemous things to me.

C: Kreacher was my favorite.

Me: Kreacher is kind of a bad ass.

C: Killing for fun! Kidnapping, racist house elf

Me: You are awful.

C: No I'm not :) Are you feeling any better (in reference to the above brick walls of life smacking me in the face everyday)

Me: Not really. Surprisingly I wasn't hungry when I woke up (haven't been eating much. DON'T HATE.) which I thought i'd be ravenous by morning and I've drowned myself in Harry Potter trying to distract from life and really to just avoid everything in general.

                so much truth right there. HOLY JESUS. I am such a Debbie Downer right now.

C: I'm gonna make you eat.

Me: Good luck with that

C: I'll get you a taco

Me: Me no like tacos (which is totally false by the way)

C: Hat Dag? (which is C speak for Hot dog.)

Me: Ew.

C: I just can't win with you

Me: Why are you trying to win?

C: I don't know.

Me: I ALWAYS win. Haven't you learned this yet?

C: I know, beleeee dat (actual spelling)

Me: Good as long as you know.

Then we go on to discuss how I have become hungry and how I should take advantage of the situation and clearly go get food.. even though its a couple hours before my lunch.... skip forward... and we land on this gem of a conversation.

Me: Kill me now! Just! Do! It!

C: Why would I do that?

Me: Because I want you to?

C: It's not worth prison?

Me: What?! Of course its worth prison! What a fantastic story to tell! I'm so famous (false) everyone will know who you killed out of the goodness of your heart!

C: I would get life, what do I get in return

Me: Infamy. Eternal glory for putting me out of my misery

C: And the rest of my life worrying about dropping the soap.

Me: BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH...etc.... (this was a VERY long laughing text)

C: I'm not ready for that

Me: You are such a baby

C: i don't see your logic

Me: The other prisoners would be scared of you because you actually killed the meanest person on earth! (right now, I feel like the meanest person on earth) They would also clearly worship the groung you walk on based on the fact you did such a generous thing by killing me. Thats logic right there.

C: So they would worry about me dropping the soap around me

Me: Exactly. You would be the king pin... Minus the drug deal thing cause you... ya know... be in prison.

C: You have too much confidence in me, I'd be a prison bitch for sure.

Me: At least you can grow a mean prison pussy. (think about it. if you still don't get it, comment. I'll tell you)

So yeah, that conversation is currently happening. I'm sure it can only grow to be more ridiculous especially since I haven't eaten anything in 24 hours... but shhhh don't tell my mom that.. She'll freak out.***

Stupid stress. You ruin everything!! *shakes fist at sky*

***I am now leaving to go have lunch with my mother so YES i'll be eating. Sheesh.

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Part 2. The Plot.

*I think I'm going to need to do 4 posts, apparently I have more to say than I though... who knew?! 

You could feel the excitement vibrating off of me after I had bought my ticket. I was about to board a plane to DC, to spend 3 days with my family and to meet this guy that had somehow made me smile non stop for days.. Of course, I had about a week and a half to go and frankly, time couldn't have moved slower.

Luckily, I had 4th of July weekend to distract me (that weekend is a story on its own, let me tell you) and kept busy and drunk the entire time. When it was back to work on Tuesday I knew that the days would creep by and I had to do something to keep myself from going insane.

Of course, talking to him helped. We talked on the phone and texted trying to decide what we were going to do, well he was trying to decide.. I had made up my mind to just let the day happen and not make any plans. Which was a risk, and I knew that.. but so was the entire journey and if I was willing to take that risk, of course I could risk him planning our day together.

When Thursday finally arrived, I was more than ready to get out there. The day went by fast and by the time I was out of work, I was ready to hit the road. Luckily, I live about 5 minutes from the airport and being it is a SMALL airport, my mom and I took our time arriving and saying goodbye.

Through tears my mom looked at me and said, "I'm afraid you won't come home..."

"Of course I'm coming home mom. Why wouldn't I?"

With that, I hugged her goodbye, made her a promise I'd be home and headed off on my adventure. After an interesting conversation at the airport bar (YAY FOR BEING 21), I boarded my plane and was off. There was no turning back now. I thought back to the many conversations the boy and I had, in my mind nothing but good could come of this.

The flights were smooth, and I arrived in DC with no issue. I was picked up and taken to the apartment. My sister and I talked for about 5 minutes before we both decided we needed to go to bed, it was late and we had early mornings. Of course, I was all jittery and unable to sleep. Tomorrow was the big day and I was nervous, very nervous. Eventually sleep stopped alluding me and before I knew it I was waking up, ready to face the day. The next few hours are dull and drab, filled with me getting ready, reading, trying on every article of clothing I brought, watching daytime talk shows, and calling everyone that would listen to me freak out. And then....

*knock* *knock* *knock*

I started shaking immediately. He's here and this is really happening. I opened the door and there he was. Handsome, smiling, and everything I had expected. He bounded in and shook my hand, "You must be Ella, I'm *name*". Almost instantaneously my nerves were gone. I stopped shaking and was so ready to just go with it, whatever we were about to do for the day. He went to grab his gear as he was staying with us in the apartment before leaving for a military "camp" of sorts (where he was teaching hand to hand combatives). Meanwhile, I gathered my things, took one last glance in the mirror fixing and hiding any imperfections, and once all was said in done, we were ready to start our day.

He opened the door to his truck and I hopped in and the conversation immediately started. It flowed naturally and freely between the two of us, as if we had known each other for years and not just a few weeks. He took me to my very first Army Base, which was neat, I wish I could've seen more than just watching out a window but he had plans, and we had places to be. We took off towards Georgetown, he was giddy and spilled the beans on our first destination. "I want you to see the steps that were featured in 'The Excorcist'" He was so excited... I was so sad I had to admit to one of my flaws.. The one where my movie knowledge and viewing has been limited over the years and (don't hate or kill me) I have not seen the excorcist. He was a bit disappointed, but he took me there anyways, I jokingly told him we could re-enact the movie (obviously based off his memory) if there weren't people on the stairs. It was pretty cool to see something like that, something that only a few people know about, and in DC those gems are few and far between.

After we got back into the truck, we headed into Georgetown to find some lunch. After parking we walked around downtown, reading every restaurants menu, agreeing on restaurants we thought sounded good and those that sounded terrible. We walked all around, he stopped with me as I talked about supporting one of my more favorite causes with an activists. He listened intently and wasn't annoyed or bored as discussed the happenings of this organization. Eventually, I pulled away from the activist and we continued to walk on heading towards the restaurant we chose with a coin toss. He offered his arm as we crossed the street, wanting to make sure little ol' me got across safely.

I was smiling like an idiot. It isn't every day that I get treated that way and I loved it and appreciated it. Here I was, with a man who enjoyed ME for ME. It wasn't about what I looked like, because we had to have a "relationship" through conversation and intelligence. It wasn't about just being nice and putting up with his friends little sister... no, he appreciated me and was enjoying my company. I didn't have to be anyone else. I didn't have to edit out parts of my personality. As we sat there in our restaurant, me with my glass of wine, he with his beer, we discussed politics and it wasn't even a horrible conversation. We discussed just about everything you can think of, all while joking with each other and deciding to try Raw Oysters. Now, I'm always game to try new things, I love food and won't pass down an opportunity to enjoy something else... He is a meat and potatoes guy, but he did it. He sucked down the oysters with me and seemingly enjoyed it... "I'm trying to expand my taste for food, and drinks"

So respectable. So intelligent. So driven.
It was just... wonderful.
Every part of that meal, the food, the drink and the boy sitting across from me with the bluest eyes you have ever seen.

And despite only having a day together, we were only just beginning..

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

A story, in 3 parts. Part 1. The Opening Credits.

This is my story that unfolded over the course of the last month.
I've decided to break out of hibernation and tell you because, well, I need to share it.
Here goes nothing..

I am not afraid to let my hair down, let every part of my crazy out and just be me. Someday, some where... somebody was going to find this endearing, maybe even grow to love it, but at the time I didn't care. I was too busy being me and having a good time to care if anyone noticed.

On the night of my final birthday party, I left my father's radio show, ready to drink some beer, dance and make a genuine fool of myself on that beautiful lake. A friend of mine, one that I've known for a few years, decided he was fond enough of me to do this for me at his lake house. I couldn't have been more grateful. I could drink and enjoy and indulge with my friends without having to worry about anything. There would be no trouble and no drama. The exact kind of night I had been dreaming of.

As I left, I heard the familiar beep of my phone receiving a text message and being a responsible driver, I checked it immediately. It was my Sister, talking to me about a boy she had mentioned to me and the she wanted me to meet.

"Great," I thought, "a set up, these always end well."

She gave me his name and told me to facebook him. I told her it would have to wait until I had time, I was going to the middle of no where. Where cell phone service is merely a dream and you actually have to enjoy people! Imagine that.

I arrived at my party and promptly forgot about the name of this boy and just enjoyed. I drank and went on a paddle boat ride at 3am, no worries though, life jackets were worn. (We are smart drinkers) Upon waking up the next morning, I went home to spend my day nursing myself back to health after nothing but alcohol for 3 days. Surprisingly, there wasn't any hang over, just pure exhaustion. This kind of exhaustion only allowed me to lay in bed, unable to sleep mind you, and do the facebook thing.

His name then popped back into my head.
I had to do it, otherwise curiosity would get the better of me...

"Sister, hes cute, I'd meet him"

"Did you friend him on facebook?"

"umm, no, thats a little weird don't you think?"

"No. Just do it."

So I did. Of course, I debated back and forth with myself... do I? don't I? It was enough to make my head spin. Eventually, I decided to just go for it. What could it hurt? He was a friend of my sister and brother-in-law, what harm could it do? I mean, I'll meet him one of these times I fly out to DC (where they live).

The next morning, I didn't think much about anything especially nothing having to do with a certain boy that I had friended. until I checked facebook... and wouldn't you know it, he had sent me a message. Something short, sweet and to the point.

"You must be Ella, Libby's sister. Apparently we are supposed to meet"

I replied in the only fashion I knew how at the time because frankly, I was floored this guy had decided to message me..

"Yes, that would be me. Now, tell me about yourself."

And he did. Not in a few words here or there, no. In letter form, with punctuation, and proper spelling and with an excitement you understood just by reading his words. It was amazing and utterly surprising... A surprise I was oh so grateful to have.

We ended up writing long elaborate "letters" (it was on facebook, come on now) back and forth. By the time the end of the day approached we decided to take the next step and exchanged numbers.

Me, being ever so clever, I responded to the last letter he wrote me (the one in which he gave me his number) and turned around and sent my first text to him "You've Got Mail". His response was perfect, "I love Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks" From then on out, we couldn't stop talking. It seemed any opportunity we had we were texting, which eventually turned into phone calls.

I was smiling like a fool every second of every day.

"This is like your movie Ella" My mom told me, and thats how I came to view it in a sense. I am realistic, which tends to hurt me in the long run, and knew that this wasn't a movie, but I remained optimistic. I had to, here is a boy who just through letters, texts and a few phone calls had swept me off my feet. I wasn't afraid of being honest or being myself. That was something new and terrifying on its own. I'd never quite done that before.. I'd only ever been versions of myself.. or lost myself completely. To be my own person and to be accepted for it, one of my luckiest moments. You know how it is, the heroine (female hero, not the drug *geez*) struggles with self acceptance and then BAM along comes a boy that changes everything, of course I saw it as my movie, and I wanted to fast forward to see how it ended. So. Badly. But where is the fun in that? Fast forwarding doesn't make for a good story or movie.

I had been planning to come out to DC to visit my Sister and Brother-In-Law the second weekend of July. When I told him about this, he was all for it. Sure there were some extrenuating factors that we couldn't help. He is in the military, when duty calls, you go. Somehow it worked out that if I came out, we could spend a day together. A whole day. Just him and I. What a thought, this was something I surely wasn't expecting. But of course, who am I to turn down an adventure?

So I called him.....

"I bought my plane ticket."

to be continued....

Wednesday, June 29, 2011


SO I vlogged for you.
because ... well, just watch the 6 minute video.

and yeah. Here are some pictures to wet your whistle.
Me & my cake.

Karaoke. Drunk. It was BAD.

First shot at 21. Chilled Grey Goose.

Ronnie from the Red Jumpsuit Apparatus and I. This was, by far one of the most incredible moments of my life.
I'll post a few pictures, along with some other vlogs I created last night the more I drank.. (oops).
Thank you all for the birthday wishes!

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Happy Birthday to ME!

Tonight at Midnight, I hope you all join me
(on your own time of course)
For my 1st legal drink of alcohol.

Tomorrow, I will finally be 21.
Tomorrow, a whole new adventure and journey begins.

I can't wait to share the adventure with you.


Friday, June 10, 2011

6 Days

My 21st Birthday is 6 days away.

My party is on Sunday.

I am BEYOND excited.

There will be family, friends and many laughs.

You see, we opted to do a Toast/Roast.

So everyone is bringing their best Ella stories to share with the crowd.
I have friends that have worked up actual bits to share.
To say that I'm excited and Terrified would be an understatement.
I mean, my Grandma is going to be there.
i think this will be the time for the FLIP to be whipped out. :]

I'll be 21 in 6 DAYS!

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

doodleeee doo.

I wish I was better about taking pictures.

I'm trying to document with my phone some of my crazy happenings, but I usually forget.
or I am 100% unsatisfied with what I've captured.

I'm working on moving on from that.

Trying to get myself to enjoy the pictures I take of me.

Because that's really what it's about... right? Loving myself enough to want to share pictures or have pictures taken of me? Did that make sense? Whatever, hopefully you get the idea.

Sometimes I feel the need to be all businessy.

Face shots are always difficult for me.
I am just not comfortable.
I think it's a vulnerability thing.

This I took about 187481569456178 billionty times before I got this.
And seriously, just look at my face.

I don't even know what to say for this one.
So yeah, once I get back to being a good blogger, I'm going to share more pictures with you. Or at least try doing so. Cause I mean.. I like you guys and I want to share myself with you....? I'm tired.. can you tell?

Alrighty, next item.

I was asked about the folk lore behind the Irish Claddagh ring and so I'm going to share with you what I know.

The Irish Claddagh is a symbol for friendship and for love.

The hands holding the heart represent friendship.
The heart represents love.
The Crown represents loyalty.

Now, another part of this is how and where the ring is worn.

If worn on your left hand, the Crown must be pointing towards your finger tip or away from your heart, to denote marriage, engagement, betrothal, whatever.

If worn on your right hand, there are a couple of different meanings.
If the crown is pointing towards your fingertip (like above with the left hand) then you are in a relationship or your heart is taken. If worn with the Heart pointed toward your fingertip and the Crown toward your heart, It could either mean you are Open to finding a new love/relationship or that you simply aren't ready for that new love.

Here is an easy way to remember:

If the heart of the Claddagh is pointing towards your heart, your heart is closed (there is only a path between the two hearts) and if the heart of the Claddagh is pointing away your heart is open and inviting someone in. (The heart isn't covered by the crown at the end, signaling a pathway into your heart)

A VERY important thing to remember about the Claddagh is that you should NEVER buy one for yourself. It should always be given as a gift. It is said that you will have bad luck if you buy your own Claddagh.

So there you have it, if you have questions, feel free to ask!

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Since I have been completely AWOL lately, let's play the get to know you game.

I've been seeing about 8 million of these get to know you ABC's things around the blogosphere, so I figure it was high time I joined in on the fun.

Right now, I'm busy with work, enjoying the sunshine (FINALLY. It's about damn time), learning ASL (which is the best thing ever) and waiting to hear on my grant.

Once I hear about our grant you best believe I will be sharing with you our project.

Oh.. and did I mention I'm starting to date again?

Why yes... yes I am and it is wonderful.

Annd now, without further ado, my ABC's

A. Age: 20, 15 days till I'm 21
B. Bed Size: Double. Which completely blows when you grew up with a Queen.
C. Chore that you hate: Honestly, I am not a big fan of cleaning in general. If I had to pick it would be laundry because it isn't instantly satisfying, you have to wait FOREVER to make any progress. It's obnoxious.

D. Dogs: I had my baby George from the time I was 2 till I was 17. I miss my mutt more than anyone will ever know. I cried (and still cry) for about 2 weeks straight after we put him down. He was hands down the best dog in the entire world AND everyone loved him. You know you miss your dog when you still call for him after living in a completely different house that he would never see...
E. Essential start to your day: COFFEE. I can't stress that enough. You probably don't want to talk to me before I've had my coffee, I'm kind of an a*hole

F. Favorite Color: Green. Any shade.
G. Gold or Silver: Silver or White Gold. SO pretty.
H. Height: 5'2 and 3/4. According to my license I'm 5'3 and being this short, I will take it.
I. Instruments you play: French Horn, Piano, and I sing.. Your vocal cords are an instrument..right?
J. Job Title: Finance Assistant for the Boy Scouts of America (a council, not nationally)

K. Kids: I'd love to have a big family. But I should probably find a guy first.
L. Live: I live in good old Flint, MI, ya know, currently the most dangerous city in the US (and the world?) so you know I'm a badass.
M. Mother's Name: Virginia or Ginny.
N. Nicknames: Ellie, Elle, Belle, Bella, Gazella, Cinderella

O. Overnight hospital stays: None, thankfully!
P. Pet peeve: As of right now, its my nail polish being super chipped, like it currently is. This just started for me since I recently stopped biting my nails about 3 months ago.
Q. Quote from a movie: "Party on Wayne.. Party on Garth" - It's perfect for any situation.

R. Right or left handed: Righty
S. Siblings: My sister, Libby, is 28 and my Brother - In - Law, TJ, is 29.

T. Time you wake up: Weekdays - 7:25 Days off/Weekends - whenever, but usually around 8:30 or 9.
U. Underwear: Victoria's Secret usually boy cut booty shorts or lacey... (TMI?)
V. Vegetable you hate: I've grown to love all veggies. You just have to find the right way to cook/dip them.
W. What makes you run late: My hair, over sleeping, getting lost, forgetting things, pretty much my entire life.
X. X-Rays you've had: Teeth, shoulder, hand, chest, ummm.... finger... I think that's it.
Y. Yummy food that you make: I'm not much of a cook, but I'll go with my tuna noodle casserole.

Z. Zoo Animal: ZEBRA.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

My final say.

I don't know what it is about going to the bathroom, but when I enter a bathroom it's like an onslaught of crazy thoughts come into my head and completely take over. It's like an alien abduction without getting taken into space... or an alien for that matter... anyways..

that just happened to me.

but I'm thinking about my break up, the one that happened 7 months ago, and I need to get this off my chest.

As i was peeing, I looked down at my right hand toward the finger that was once home to my Claddagh ring. I took it off a couple weeks ago thinking it just didn't feel right resting there anymore. I mean, I (and I mean my mom bought it, hello I am WAY superstitious when it comes to Claddaghs) bought it out in Colorado, when I was with him, thinking it would just be a symbol of our foreverness.

I don't think I'll ever be able to wear that again.
I need to buy a new one, one that is just for me.

Then, while washing my hands, another thought struck me.... I remember being happy with him.. but I don't remember how it felt being happy with him.

In my mind, its like a sea of pictures screaming at me "HEY ELLA, see that smile? It's genuine... don't you remember that day?" over and over again. Wanting me to remember, wanting me to feel that again.

It hurts to realize I don't remember being happy when I was with him, I mean I loved him. The boy was my first real love.  I will love him forever and for always.

But it is time for the pictures to fade away in a box, in my attic.
Time for the stuffed animals and cards and notes to be stashed.
Time for me to be grateful and happy for the memories I do have.

and definitely time for me to move forward with my life.

As I was adjusting my clothes and primping my hair, I picked up my own chin, forced a smile on my face and will continue to remind myself that this is okay.

It's okay to move forward.
It's okay to feel absolutely heartbroken.
                                                                    but, only for today.

So this is my final say. You will not hear of this break up again.

Tomorrow, I'm getting back to me.

Stupid bathroom.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Princess Ella of Hampden.

(I thought I had posted this last week, but I was wrong, so I'm going to share it with you anyways.)

I realize I'm about a million (editor's note: MAJOR emphasis there) years late, but we all had this spectacularly exciting day on Friday... right? I mean it was... with the Royal Wedding and all.

So what did we do in my city?

We celebrated of course with our own Royal Wedding Reception!

At our local English Pub in Downtown, a Best Friend of our family set up a fundraiser for our local YWCA and it was a smashing hit. Filled with "Hip, Hip, HOORAH's!" and toasts, and MANY hats, and believe me when I say the hats at our party were simply marvelous. :)

The hype for this even had been going on for about 2 months and we were all giving the opportunity to pick out our own titles.

OH MAN, the chance of a lifetime.. the chance to be Royalty... the chance to be SO close to Prince Harry.. It was all mine... all i had to do was choose what title would fit me best.. and help me to woo my darling Prince.

Let's weigh out the options..  shall we?

Queen - What a nice title to have right? EXCEPT, it seems to be a little too forward and I wouldn't want to be like "OH HEY HARRY, HERE I AM, YA KNOW.. THE QUEEN"
 I didn't think they'd take that to well..

Duchess - OKAY, so obviously this isn't as prestigious as I (personally) wanted to be.

Then I decided on Princess.

because... obviously. :]

Thennnnn I got to wear a crown.
There was no champagne in that glass.
So don't fret.
I am being good till I'm 21.
kind of.

AND then, I kissed the Prince.
Although, much like everyone else.
I wished for it to be Prince Harry.
Oh Harry, my love, why haven't we found each other yet?

SO, if you've been reading me for any amount of time, and or read my old blog, you know I'm from Flint (I'd link to it, but ya know, I can't find the post and I'm lazy).

In Flint *town (as we lovingly call it) If you walk anywhere and you have legs (which is a given, since you know.. you're walking)... You are going to get cat called BY EVERY SINLEGUYOUTTHEREDRIVINGWALKINGCRAWLINGOMGEW. and yes, I know this is true in most places.

So naturally,  wearing the above got me some NICE comments.

When I arrive at the reception, I tell my mom & dad about it. They laugh and say "of course".

So when leaving the party, I walked back across the street to my car and had almost successfully completed the trek when....


I stop.
I turn.
I give a smug smile.

and ....


keep walking.

I had so many snarky things to say, but truthfully, my car was still 100ft away and he could've followed me.

Yes, I know.
I'm a huge coward.

SO, tell me, my brave ones.

What would you have said to this fool?

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

I'm back. From outer space.

I have officially survived my first semester back at school!

I have a whole week and a half (I honestly don't know when Spring Semester begins) to just relax and pretend like I'm going to do all the things I've been talking about doing.

Let's recap the last few weeks, shall we?

1. I've been studying my bum off for finals and obviously that is beyond exciting.

2. I have read 11 books in the past 2-3 weeks. 8 of which were the "Pretty Little Liars" series which was incredible. Definitely glad I went with that. --- Don't knock it till you try it.

3. I started using the Kindle app on my phone. I LOVE IT. However, I'm fairly certain I'll stick to buying real books.. although, it is tough to convince myself to go to the book store now-a-days.

4. I also went and got myself hooked on the "Pretty Little Liars" TV show.
        ...........It's disgusting... I know.

5. I've been working on a project for my home town. It's a community project and so far it is taking off! Of course, we are still in the planning stages of it, but we have a TON of organizations already on board with us that are ready and willing to help. I will be telling you about it VERY soon. :)

6. I've been learning bits and pieces of Sign Language in preparation for my 101 class this Spring. I am absolutely head over heels for it and I can't wait to learn more.

7. I made fabric boxes. I'm still working out the kinks, literally, but I think with a lot more practice, they will be tip top and I'll be on my way to my etsy shop. :)

Did I mention I'm trying to open an etsy shop?

8. I'm getting a lot better about taking pictures. I mean, I have this big fancy phone (I can't afford a real camera, its depressing) that has a nice camera in it so I might as well use it... right?

9. After ... oh.. 18 years, I have once and for all quit biting my nails. I was sitting in class one day and was biting away when it dawned on me that people were watching me do that and it was disgusting and bam, I was done. I adore having nails, they are fantastic to use when you threaten people. :)

SO, thats the quick recap. I've been busy, just like you have and I just didn't have it in me to fight the good fight and post. BUT I'm back, and I am working on some new things to share.

How have you all been?
What's new in your lives.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Leave of Absence.

My life is kind of chaotic right now.

That is pretty much the face I make on a daily basis.

SO, I'm taking a leave of absence, if you hadn't already figured that out, until next week when my finals are finished and i have a moment to breathe before Spring Semester starts.

I'll see you all next week!

Friday, April 1, 2011

My Blind Date.

I met someone.
I think I'm really falling you guys.

It was terribly spectacular, I mean I remembering looking at them for the first time and my heart skipping a beat and butterflies filling up the entirety of my body. That  whole just knowing that this is soon to be a life long affair.

Did I mention I met this person online? Now, that was a step for me being someone who is overly cautious when it comes to the internets. Seems kind of hypocritical though right? I mean, when I write (since i've been a lazy bum as of late), I am opening up a little part of me that youze guyz (honing my inner mobster) get to share.

I'm getting off topic & this was the epitomy of awesome so lets get back to our story, shall we?

SO a few weeks ago, I stumbled across this blog and I was all, "DAMN, I really like this!" then I kept reading only to start recognizing some of the places that were being talked about..

Could it be? Have I finally found a blogger from my own state!!!!!!!!
Well, I couldn't let that go and emailed them to ask about 2 seconds after realizing that.

The best part... She responded and didn't think I was creepy!

Thus our Stalger (Blog & Stalker joined in one glorious word) love was born!

Editor's note - we shall call her The Tall One. Click her link posted later. k thanks.

We emailed for 2 weeks before we decided that it was high time we got serious and exchanged numbers. That turned into me deciding to go visit her at her place of employment. A place where they serve DAMN good food.

What can I say? We move fast 'round here.

So, I rounded  up my best friend and headed to the place where they serve DAMN good food.

On the drive down Chris and I literally only talked about Greek Mythology. We are just cool like that. It wasn't until we got there that it kind of hit me... what if she hates me and spits in my food?!

editor's note: She would never ever do that to anyone in a million years. For the record..

Walking in, I was nervous and excited. Then I saw her and we waved and it was exciting and her manager or something was all "Are you Ella?"

"why yes, yes I am." I replied with a big shit eatin' grin on my face.

I was famous in a place that served DAMN good food! HAPPY DAY.

Turns out, we get along as famously as we did emailing. Conversation flowed (when she was able to talk since you know, she was working) and we met her best friend and it was just glorious happy times all around.

The service was fantastic. The food was glorious and the company we got was even better. There was a LOT of laughter and talking about anything and everything. The Tall One introduced her to her Best Friend V who was awesome. Here is a picture of the 4 of us.

No, I'm not sitting. I'm just that short.
So as you can see, I'm really short. like... 5'2" short, while my best friend (the dude) is 6'8" and then The Tall One being 6'3" and her best friend (the one that looks like a Sesame Street Character, holla!) is 5'5". So yeah, the two of is in front. NOT SITTING. they are just RIDICULOUSLY tall. But, at least I know I'll always have friends that can reach things on the top shelf for me.. Just kidding.. you will be handy for other things too :) and I suppose we could hang out on occasion..

OHH and then there was the time where they added a 3rd really tall person to our epic party.
This guy was 6'6".

So what did the tall people do?

They high fived each other over us short people... and yeah, I am still pretty bitter about it.
but its okay, they should just watch their ankles and knee caps because I can get to those pretty easy.

So overall, I had this awesome experience connecting with someone that blogs in my state, had a love affair via email (V, don't worry, I shall not steal her!) and then met up and I truly believe this is the start of a fantastic friendship and hopefully many good times. :)

by the way, The Tall One was a fantastic server. Neither Chris or myself had one complaint the entire night.
Now, that is saying something. :)

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

2 shout outs and the Zombie Spider that ruined my post.

I want to get this out of the way first and foremost.

You should go and check out The Tall One because she has a thing for combining words and I just have a problem speaking. She is my Stalger (blog stalker) and I am hers. It's really a fantastic relationship we have and she lives less than an hour away..

Meant to be?
I think yes.

Also, if you haven't, go read Blunt Delivery.
She is one of my favorite bloggers/people.
She is a fantastic writer no matter what the topic.
Today's 'bite' is beautiful.
Go read her too if you love me.
If not, don't tell me.. I don't want to be sad today.

Okay, now that those are out of the way let's talk about something else! *cue cheering*

I have officially entered the "floating" stage of the year before your birthday.


Somebody please explain to me how the Spider *shudders* I just smooshed with my shoe has seemingly come back to life?! UMMM, I am really not okay with this since I am 100% arachnophobic and am quite possibly beginning to have a panic attack if I am not already... Um... somebody please tell me we don't have zombie spiders or that spiders now have a super power to come back to life now.

Great. I'm going to have nightmares for weeks.
This is what I get for being freaking arachnaphobic.

again, I am not okay with this.

So back to me being in the floating stage before my birthday thing...
My birthday is 3 months away and to me, maybe not to you, it seems to be flying by but standing still at the same time. I hate this sensation, its like I come to terms with

OHMYGOD, I'm pretty sure the leg just twitched on the Zombie spider. I don't know for sure since I'm trying ot type this out, but you guys, this thing is in my periferals. I can't not see it. It's like I need horse blinders in order of avoid looking at it.

my birthday being close and I'll just have to wait, but I'm getting SO impatient at the same time.
I'd blame it on the fact that I'm turning 21 this year but in reality, I get this way every year around this time because obviously my birthday is my favorite day.

okay guys, I don't think i'm going to be able to finish this post because that really was a zombie spider. I literally came un-balled from when I smooshed it, sat there tapping its foot and the took off scampering down the wall.

Being an adult, I ran out to get someone to kill it for me.

Now I feel like I have things crawling all over me.
This is awful.
I'm going to go cry in a corner now.

ps - in the editting phase of this post, I seriously looked down and jumped out of my chair because I saw my own hair on me. There is something seriously wrong with me people. Does anyone have any idea how to work through arachnaphobia?? I mean, I know I should just go head on with my worst fear but obviously after the above incident, I can't. I mean, in 6th grade, I got out of taking an open book test because there was a spider on one of the pages and I screamed, slammed the book shut and started bawling my eyes out. It was traumatizing for an 11 year old okay? Yes, I mean both the spider being in the book and the fact that I did that in the middle of a SILENT classroom in MIDDLE SCHOOL.

pps - Don't ya'll wish you could be in my head?

pppss - Also, I'd provide a picture of what I think a Zombie Spider looks like, but then I'd never be able to come back to my own blog.. you guys understand that right? Also, if all the mention of the "spee-ider" (think MegaMind) comes back to haunt me here and shows up in my ads, I might have a heart attack... I am not considering changing all of the "s" words into "spee-ider"... tempting.. but I'm lazy.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

The Wink Face or my pathetic attempt to add more pictures.

I'm about to embarrass the crap out of myself.
Like for reals.

I have no idea what is possessing me to think this might even remotely be a good idea, but I figure, its Wednesday and we all could use a laugh and what the hell... why not laugh at my expense?

You. are. welcome.*

So remember last week (I do not post enough) when I winked at you at the end of my post and declared it is really hard to take a winking picture? Well, I thought I'd give you the proof of the difficulty I had in making this happen for you guys.

Attempt #1.

As you can see this is failure at its finest. I personally thought it was so bad that I made it a pretty color so your eyes won't completely be burned.

Attempt #2

I look like I got something in my eye on this one and it hurts.. REAL BAD.
FYI, there was nothing in my eye.

Attempt #3.

In which I saved it under "Scream" in My Pictures folder since I am obviously replicating the Scream Mask we have all come to love and adore.

And LAST but not LEAST:

Attempt #4.

The obvious winner considering I got the cute little crinkly winky nose in it. YAY ME!

high fives all around.

*I hate this phrase. I really, really do.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

You Belieber you.


I heard on the radio this morning that the Biebs is auctioning off a lock of his hair on Ebay for some Animal Shelter. The last I heard the bidding was up to $12,200. WHAT THE HELL? That's a LOT of money for hair people. A LOT of money for hair. That would put me out of debt, minus school loans of course, and leave me with some pennies left over.

I wish I had that kind of chump change to spend on JUSTIN BIEBER's hair.

Editor's note: Just checked (it is 12:30) and the bidding is up to $15,700. UGH. Would any of you like to buy a lock of my hair? I almost don't want you to answer that.. but please, please do.

Editor's note 2.0: The Bieb's hair ended up selling for a little over $40,000. I am kind of disgusted but at the same time I totally dig it.

I'm really still trying to figure out the appeal of Justin Bieber. At least the appeal for me. I totally dig why all these girls love him because I felt (and still feel) that way about the Backstreet Boys. Don't judge me. I've been to quite a few of there concerts, most recently in 2008 before I left for college and I felt like a little girl falling in love for the first time all over again. I was all screamy like the "Beliebers" are now.


And just for the record, New Kids on the Block and Backstreet Boys are going to be in concert on my Birthday in Detroit. I'm pretty sure that is one way I'll be spending my 21st birthday.

Not even kidding a little bit.

I think it will be a legit way to start off my celebrations. Especially since I'll go, enjoy the concert, have some drinks there, come back home and hit the bars and it probably won't even be midnight. SEE plenty of time to party for those of you all,
"if you go to that concert you won't be able to paaaaaarty with uuuuuuuuusssss-uh"
(imagine that in your whiney voice.. or your whiney friends voice. Your choice.)

Suck it up biatches.
It's my 21st.
Besides, I'm planning a totally rad birthday party for Friday (since my birthday is on a Thursday).
Well, I'm planning on planning a totally rad birthday party for Friday.
You guys can still help me to plan my birthday yo.

Then I can travel around the states and visit you for birthday drinks. :)

Well, I got off topic.

So yeah, I'm just not getting what all the Hu-Bub is all about... as far as being a super fan when it comes to Bieber.

Me, I totally get being a superfan of the BSB. I mean come on.. I think it was there 2000 tour (or something like that) where they flew out over the audience, and I managed to get close enough to the stage to be able to touch Howie's hand. I cried and vowed never to wash it again, of course that lasted all of 20 minutes, except the crying.. I'm feeling a little choked up over it now.

So yeah, when I saw that is hair was going for $12,000 I was just shocked and appalled.
I would never sell such a priceless thing being a superfan.
I mean hello.

What? I just had to. ;)
(do you guys have any idea how hard it is to take a winking picture? didn't think so)

its the best I got. but holy crap is it hard to do.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011


So have I ever told you about how I get sick?

and by how, I mean like.. what level I get sick... if that makes any sense.. which it probably doesn't since I'm sick and nothing makes sense when I'm sick.

Well, even if I have already explained this, I'm going to explain it to you again because I think you deserve to know.. again.  OR maybe I just like talking about myself right now.

I'll get to the point now..

When I get sick, I get sick. I don't just get some stupid cold, or a little stuffy nose, I mean I get Strep, bronchitis, H1N1 (yeah, I had it. what of it?) and of course Pneumonia...

It started off as a little tickle in my throat, nothing terribly noteworthy. I let it slide for about 2 weeks and then BAM.  I woke up Saturday morning and felt like absolute garbage. Then, it just continued to get worse and worse. I was betting what it could be.. bronchitis was my first guess since I was coughing and my voice was pretty much gone. I was miserable.

I hate the doctor.
They never have good news for me.. so when I decided to head over on Tuesday morning after nothing but feeling like shit for 4 days, I was preparing myself for the worst.

and I wasn't disappointed.

I have Pneumonia.
in my right lung.

I'm exhausted and feel like garbage.

But I thought I'd share this with you since I am obviously the QUEEN of getting sick.
I know how to do it big, guys.
You clearly should be jealous.

Or, bragging about how awesome your immune system is.
Cause it wouldn't take much for jealousy on my end.
My immune system hates my guts.


I'm going to go be delusional watching Castle, Psych, Drop Dead Diva and what ever else I can find on Netflix or my DVR.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

You've been [semi] warned. I should probably divulge a little more information than this...

I was going to write about how I have serious anger managment/temper issues.. but I'm getting too pissed off because I can't find the right way to put it.

Bottom line, I have a temper.
Don't egg me on.. or do and see what happens.
Your choice.

Obviously this face is much better in person because I'm not trying to pose for it.
also, I got mad that I couldn't get a good picture but I'm at work and this is the best I can do. SO I'll just have to live with it.

Basically, things make me fly off the handle at the drop of a hat. It's bad. I'm constantly working on not getting so angry or worked up over stupid things, but usually I just get frustrated, which makes me angry, then I stress out over being angry all the time. It is a vicious cycle.

Will this make you like me a little more?
I can deal with that.

[insert segway here since I've got nothing good to say as a transition]

Something awesome happened this week.

Blunt (Brit) over at Blunt Delivery told everyone that I'm better than Ke$ha.. or something like that. :]

She made me blush immensely in all kinds of weird places.

So if you are travelling here from over in Blunt's world....

Don't ask.. I have been playing with picnik.. okay??


More to come this week (and probably next) when I talk about my need of acceptance and my epic laziness.
Get excited.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Baldy McBALD.

You guys.. I had (kind of still have) a bald spot.
It happened last year, around the time a friend of mine passed away.
I woke up one day and BOOM.

I absolutely panicked. What the hell was going on with me?
obviously, I was irrational, I mean hello, what 19 year old wants to start going bald? Okay lets be real, who wants to go bald period? That's right.. the ones that do are few and far between.

So yeah, I was going bald.

Thankfully, its growing back now, as you can see from above. I wish I had a better picture to show just how bald that spot was. It was scary and embarassing. I'll look through pictures and see what I can find.

Anyways, I debated on whether or not to tell the internetz about my bald spot.
and since this my week of confessions, I figured I might as well.

To get back to where I left off, you know, realized I was balding, freaking out...

OO! OO! Ella, what did you do next???

Well, of course I cried to my mother and she immediately started looking to the internet for answers. I tried to avoid that because I don't want to think I have cancer before I have reason to think I had cancer.. if that makes sense. Then she started asking people. Apparently, its pretty common for women to get bald spots.


So, I did what any rational person would do and I made an appointment with my Gynecologist because obviously my lady bits were making me go bald. Logic was not my best friend during these days people.

Turns out I stressed myself out to the point of losing my hair.

I was told to relax.
take a bath, read a book, write, walk.. whatever

I'm all, how am I supposed to relax when I know that my stress level makes me lose my hair which is stressful in and of itself because I really don't want to be bald, I like having my own hair, I don't want to wear wigs.

Yes, just like that, my stress level went through the roof.
and while my hair may be growing back, my stress level hasn't gotten any better. Some days it seems like I just shed endlessly and I am bound to go bald any moment. Others, I lose one or two strands and my hair calls it good. But the only common factor is that I stress over everything. Which I can relate back to yesterdays entry about me being a masochist (and an alienator).  

If I would stop putting myself in these awful positions ALL THE TIME, I might just be able to relax and probably stop losing my hair.

After I had this realization, what do I go off an do?
Throw myself into a pit of drama snakes and scream like hell.

Yes. I know, I'm brilliant.

How do you unwind/relax?
It's something I definitely need to work on.
My stress levels are constantly through the roof.

Editor's Note: Can I just say that I am very frustrated with the fact that this is all center aligned? I am, its stressing me out looking at it and yes, I tried to fix it, but it wouldn't take. I kind of want to punch Blogger.

Monday, February 7, 2011

The Alienator and the Masochist.

For some reason, people tell me I am good at things. Possibly because I am, or maybe its just because they want me to feel good about myself. Either way, people continue to tell me I'm good at things.

I know there is one thing I am particularly good at.
Okay maybe 2 things.. neither of which are terribly positive.

The first...

I am the QUEEN of alienation.


[eyl-yuh-neyt, ey-lee-uh-] Show IPA
–verb (used with object), -at·ed, -at·ing.
to make indifferent or hostile: He has alienated his entire family.
to turn away; transfer or divert: to alienate funds from their intended purpose.
I am ridiculously good at pushing people away, turning my back on people, and just vanishing for long periods of time. I don't know why I do this. I don't want to do this, but it happens ALL THE TIME. Its a wonder I have friends anymore after the bullshit I've put them through again and again. Actually, I'm pretty sure I'm running out of time with some of these people. They are getting fed up with my antics and I can't say I blame them. I try so hard to be a good friend and to make everyone happy, but then I have this overwhelming urge to just run like hell and do the "loner" thing all over again.
What the hell, Ella?
Actually, I'm in one of my alienation phases right now. I want out, but I can't bring myself to just face my friends.
The second thing I'm UNBELIEVABLY good at...
I am a Masochist.
Throwing myself into the drama.
It's like I feed off of it. Sometimes, it seems as though I won't make it through unless I become involved with some sort of drama.
"Ella, its like you purposely throw yourself into the bullshit. You like the drama, you like hurt. What is the matter with you?"
Someone very dear to me said that to me recently. And they are right, for as much as I hate drama I am just absolutely drawn to it. Apparently, my mind treats it like it is air and I won't survive without it. It makes me feel like a masochist. Why do I get such pleasure out of the immense amount of pain I feel?


[mas-uh-kiz-uhm, maz-] Show IPA
Psychiatry . the condition in which sexual gratification depends on suffering, physical pain, and humiliation.
gratification gained from pain, deprivation, degradation, etc., inflicted or imposed on oneself, either as a result of one's own actions or the actions of others, especially the tendency to seek this form of gratification.
the act of turning one's destructive tendencies inward or upon oneself.
the tendency to find pleasure
via   (we are going to focus on definition #2 people)
Yeah, I'm good at those things and I am not proud. I want to work through them. I want to get better.
I want to be the best friend I can be, because lately... I just haven't been.
So, this week, in an attempt to regain what little dignity I feel I have left, I am going to be writing out my issues. I'm going to turn to you, and hope you have words of advice or encouragement because frankly, I need to man up here.
I just hope I can salvage the friendships I have left.