Sick.

So have I ever told you about how I get sick?

and by how, I mean like.. what level I get sick... if that makes any sense.. which it probably doesn't since I'm sick and nothing makes sense when I'm sick.

Well, even if I have already explained this, I'm going to explain it to you again because I think you deserve to know.. again.  OR maybe I just like talking about myself right now.

I'll get to the point now..

When I get sick, I get sick. I don't just get some stupid cold, or a little stuffy nose, I mean I get Strep, bronchitis, H1N1 (yeah, I had it. what of it?) and of course Pneumonia...

It started off as a little tickle in my throat, nothing terribly noteworthy. I let it slide for about 2 weeks and then BAM.  I woke up Saturday morning and felt like absolute garbage. Then, it just continued to get worse and worse. I was betting what it could be.. bronchitis was my first guess since I was coughing and my voice was pretty much gone. I was miserable.

I hate the doctor.
They never have good news for me.. so when I decided to head over on Tuesday morning after nothing but feeling like shit for 4 days, I was preparing myself for the worst.

and I wasn't disappointed.

I have Pneumonia.
in my right lung.

I'm exhausted and feel like garbage.


But I thought I'd share this with you since I am obviously the QUEEN of getting sick.
I know how to do it big, guys.
You clearly should be jealous.

Or, bragging about how awesome your immune system is.
Cause it wouldn't take much for jealousy on my end.
My immune system hates my guts.

UGH.

I'm going to go be delusional watching Castle, Psych, Drop Dead Diva and what ever else I can find on Netflix or my DVR.

You've been [semi] warned. I should probably divulge a little more information than this...

I was going to write about how I have serious anger managment/temper issues.. but I'm getting too pissed off because I can't find the right way to put it.

Bottom line, I have a temper.
Don't egg me on.. or do and see what happens.
Your choice.

Obviously this face is much better in person because I'm not trying to pose for it.
also, I got mad that I couldn't get a good picture but I'm at work and this is the best I can do. SO I'll just have to live with it.

Basically, things make me fly off the handle at the drop of a hat. It's bad. I'm constantly working on not getting so angry or worked up over stupid things, but usually I just get frustrated, which makes me angry, then I stress out over being angry all the time. It is a vicious cycle.

Will this make you like me a little more?
No?
I can deal with that.

[insert segway here since I've got nothing good to say as a transition]

Something awesome happened this week.

Blunt (Brit) over at Blunt Delivery told everyone that I'm better than Ke$ha.. or something like that. :]

She made me blush immensely in all kinds of weird places.

So if you are travelling here from over in Blunt's world....

Don't ask.. I have been playing with picnik.. okay??

*****

More to come this week (and probably next) when I talk about my need of acceptance and my epic laziness.

Get excited.

Baldy McBALD.

You guys.. I had (kind of still have) a bald spot.

It happened last year, around the time a friend of mine passed away.

I woke up one day and BOOM.

BALD.

I absolutely panicked. What the hell was going on with me?

WHY WAS I GOING BALD SINCE MY ENTIRE FAMILY HAS A VERY FULL HEAD OF HAIR?????????????????????????????????

obviously, I was irrational, I mean hello, what 19 year old wants to start going bald? Okay lets be real, who wants to go bald period? That's right.. the ones that do are few and far between.

So yeah, I was going bald.

Thankfully, its growing back now, as you can see from above. I wish I had a better picture to show just how bald that spot was. It was scary and embarassing. I'll look through pictures and see what I can find.

Anyways, I debated on whether or not to tell the internetz about my bald spot.

and since this my week of confessions, I figured I might as well.

To get back to where I left off, you know, realized I was balding, freaking out...

OO! OO! Ella, what did you do next???

Well, of course I cried to my mother and she immediately started looking to the internet for answers. I tried to avoid that because I don't want to think I have cancer before I have reason to think I had cancer.. if that makes sense. Then she started asking people. Apparently, its pretty common for women to get bald spots.

UMM... THAT IS UNACCEPTABLE.

So, I did what any rational person would do and I made an appointment with my Gynecologist because obviously my lady bits were making me go bald. Logic was not my best friend during these days people.

Turns out I stressed myself out to the point of losing my hair.

Yeah.

I was told to relax.

take a bath, read a book, write, walk.. whatever

I'm all, how am I supposed to relax when I know that my stress level makes me lose my hair which is stressful in and of itself because I really don't want to be bald, I like having my own hair, I don't want to wear wigs.

Yes, just like that, my stress level went through the roof.

and while my hair may be growing back, my stress level hasn't gotten any better. Some days it seems like I just shed endlessly and I am bound to go bald any moment. Others, I lose one or two strands and my hair calls it good. But the only common factor is that I stress over everything. Which I can relate back to yesterdays entry about me being a masochist (and an alienator).  

If I would stop putting myself in these awful positions ALL THE TIME, I might just be able to relax and probably stop losing my hair.

After I had this realization, what do I go off an do?

Throw myself into a pit of drama snakes and scream like hell.

Yes. I know, I'm brilliant.

How do you unwind/relax?

It's something I definitely need to work on.
My stress levels are constantly through the roof.
Help.

Editor's Note: Can I just say that I am very frustrated with the fact that this is all center aligned? I am, its stressing me out looking at it and yes, I tried to fix it, but it wouldn't take. I kind of want to punch Blogger.

The Alienator and the Masochist.

For some reason, people tell me I am good at things. Possibly because I am, or maybe its just because they want me to feel good about myself. Either way, people continue to tell me I'm good at things.

I know there is one thing I am particularly good at.
Okay maybe 2 things.. neither of which are terribly positive.

The first...

I am the QUEEN of alienation.
____________________

al·ien·ate

   /ˈeɪlyəˌneɪt, ˈeɪliə-/ Show Spelled[eyl-yuh-neyt, ey-lee-uh-] Show IPA

–verb (used with object), -at·ed, -at·ing.

1.

to make indifferent or hostile: He has alienated his entire family.

2.

to turn away; transfer or divert: to alienate funds from their intended purpose.

via

_______________________

 

I am ridiculously good at pushing people away, turning my back on people, and just vanishing for long periods of time. I don't know why I do this. I don't want to do this, but it happens ALL THE TIME. Its a wonder I have friends anymore after the bullshit I've put them through again and again. Actually, I'm pretty sure I'm running out of time with some of these people. They are getting fed up with my antics and I can't say I blame them. I try so hard to be a good friend and to make everyone happy, but then I have this overwhelming urge to just run like hell and do the "loner" thing all over again.

 

What the hell, Ella?

 

Actually, I'm in one of my alienation phases right now. I want out, but I can't bring myself to just face my friends.

 

The second thing I'm UNBELIEVABLY good at...

 

I am a Masochist.

 

Throwing myself into the drama.

 

It's like I feed off of it. Sometimes, it seems as though I won't make it through unless I become involved with some sort of drama.

 

"Ella, its like you purposely throw yourself into the bullshit. You like the drama, you like hurt. What is the matter with you?"

 

Someone very dear to me said that to me recently. And they are right, for as much as I hate drama I am just absolutely drawn to it. Apparently, my mind treats it like it is air and I won't survive without it. It makes me feel like a masochist. Why do I get such pleasure out of the immense amount of pain I feel?

____________

mas·och·ism

   /ˈmæsəˌkɪzəm, ˈmæz-/ Show Spelled[mas-uh-kiz-uhm, maz-] Show IPA

–noun

1.

Psychiatry . the condition in which sexual gratification depends on suffering, physical pain, and humiliation.

2.

gratification gained from pain, deprivation, degradation, etc., inflicted or imposed on oneself, either as a result of one's own actions or the actions of others, especially the tendency to seek this form of gratification.

3.

the act of turning one's destructive tendencies inward or upon oneself.

4.

the tendency to find pleasure

via   (we are going to focus on definition #2 people)

_________________________

 

Yeah, I'm good at those things and I am not proud. I want to work through them. I want to get better.

 

I want to be the best friend I can be, because lately... I just haven't been.

 

So, this week, in an attempt to regain what little dignity I feel I have left, I am going to be writing out my issues. I'm going to turn to you, and hope you have words of advice or encouragement because frankly, I need to man up here.

 

I just hope I can salvage the friendships I have left.

My star creature is talking to me. Stream of Consciousness #1.

This is my first Stream of Consciousness.
I just really needed to vent today.

Here goes..

 Timer on in 3...2...1... Go.




I feel lost today. I'm laying in my bed, watching Bones, (which is possibly the best show ever) and I'm making this creature. Thats what I do, I get all weird and I start crafting, after I force myself of course because I need somehting to keep me distracted from the crap that is happening around me.

So I'm making this creature, before I had made owls because owls are my favorite animal in the world. Then I saw a star on an episode of Bones, yes I'm obsessed, and decided to make a star creature.. only instead of it being cutesy and bright, it turned kind of creepy and ugly, and despite the whole i could change it and make it into a pretty thing, I just keep moving forward and making the damn star creepier and creepier. I'll have to post a picture of this thing at some point.

I think I'm projecting my feelings of myself and the current state of my life through my star. It's weird because I didn't realize it until I stopped sewing today to organize my box of equipment and looked at it and just stopped in awe. It was like I was looking at myself through the eyes of a child. Don't you ever see the crime shows where there is an abused child, who destroys her barbie, because psychologically, that is how they see themselves. Now, I'm not abused so don't worry there, I'm just...

Yeah.
I'm just. Just.

Is that weird?


**
and thats time.

Here is the star I created: