I know there is one thing I am particularly good at.
Okay maybe 2 things.. neither of which are terribly positive.
I am the QUEEN of alienation.
–verb (used with object), -at·ed, -at·ing.
to make indifferent or hostile: He has alienated his entire family.
to turn away; transfer or divert: to alienate funds from their intended purpose.
I am ridiculously good at pushing people away, turning my back on people, and just vanishing for long periods of time. I don't know why I do this. I don't want to do this, but it happens ALL THE TIME. Its a wonder I have friends anymore after the bullshit I've put them through again and again. Actually, I'm pretty sure I'm running out of time with some of these people. They are getting fed up with my antics and I can't say I blame them. I try so hard to be a good friend and to make everyone happy, but then I have this overwhelming urge to just run like hell and do the "loner" thing all over again.
What the hell, Ella?
Actually, I'm in one of my alienation phases right now. I want out, but I can't bring myself to just face my friends.
The second thing I'm UNBELIEVABLY good at...
I am a Masochist.
Throwing myself into the drama.
It's like I feed off of it. Sometimes, it seems as though I won't make it through unless I become involved with some sort of drama.
"Ella, its like you purposely throw yourself into the bullshit. You like the drama, you like hurt. What is the matter with you?"
Someone very dear to me said that to me recently. And they are right, for as much as I hate drama I am just absolutely drawn to it. Apparently, my mind treats it like it is air and I won't survive without it. It makes me feel like a masochist. Why do I get such pleasure out of the immense amount of pain I feel?
Psychiatry . the condition in which sexual gratification depends on suffering, physical pain, and humiliation.
gratification gained from pain, deprivation, degradation, etc., inflicted or imposed on oneself, either as a result of one's own actions or the actions of others, especially the tendency to seek this form of gratification.
the act of turning one's destructive tendencies inward or upon oneself.
the tendency to find pleasure
via (we are going to focus on definition #2 people)
Yeah, I'm good at those things and I am not proud. I want to work through them. I want to get better.
I want to be the best friend I can be, because lately... I just haven't been.
So, this week, in an attempt to regain what little dignity I feel I have left, I am going to be writing out my issues. I'm going to turn to you, and hope you have words of advice or encouragement because frankly, I need to man up here.
I just hope I can salvage the friendships I have left.