Monday, February 7, 2011

The Alienator and the Masochist.

For some reason, people tell me I am good at things. Possibly because I am, or maybe its just because they want me to feel good about myself. Either way, people continue to tell me I'm good at things.

I know there is one thing I am particularly good at.
Okay maybe 2 things.. neither of which are terribly positive.

The first...

I am the QUEEN of alienation.
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al·ien·ate

[eyl-yuh-neyt, ey-lee-uh-] Show IPA
–verb (used with object), -at·ed, -at·ing.
1.
to make indifferent or hostile: He has alienated his entire family.
2.
to turn away; transfer or divert: to alienate funds from their intended purpose.
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I am ridiculously good at pushing people away, turning my back on people, and just vanishing for long periods of time. I don't know why I do this. I don't want to do this, but it happens ALL THE TIME. Its a wonder I have friends anymore after the bullshit I've put them through again and again. Actually, I'm pretty sure I'm running out of time with some of these people. They are getting fed up with my antics and I can't say I blame them. I try so hard to be a good friend and to make everyone happy, but then I have this overwhelming urge to just run like hell and do the "loner" thing all over again.
 
What the hell, Ella?
 
Actually, I'm in one of my alienation phases right now. I want out, but I can't bring myself to just face my friends.
 
The second thing I'm UNBELIEVABLY good at...
 
I am a Masochist.
 
Throwing myself into the drama.
 
It's like I feed off of it. Sometimes, it seems as though I won't make it through unless I become involved with some sort of drama.
 
"Ella, its like you purposely throw yourself into the bullshit. You like the drama, you like hurt. What is the matter with you?"
 
Someone very dear to me said that to me recently. And they are right, for as much as I hate drama I am just absolutely drawn to it. Apparently, my mind treats it like it is air and I won't survive without it. It makes me feel like a masochist. Why do I get such pleasure out of the immense amount of pain I feel?
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mas·och·ism

[mas-uh-kiz-uhm, maz-] Show IPA
–noun
1.
Psychiatry . the condition in which sexual gratification depends on suffering, physical pain, and humiliation.
2.
gratification gained from pain, deprivation, degradation, etc., inflicted or imposed on oneself, either as a result of one's own actions or the actions of others, especially the tendency to seek this form of gratification.
3.
the act of turning one's destructive tendencies inward or upon oneself.
4.
the tendency to find pleasure
via   (we are going to focus on definition #2 people)
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Yeah, I'm good at those things and I am not proud. I want to work through them. I want to get better.
 
I want to be the best friend I can be, because lately... I just haven't been.
 
So, this week, in an attempt to regain what little dignity I feel I have left, I am going to be writing out my issues. I'm going to turn to you, and hope you have words of advice or encouragement because frankly, I need to man up here.
 
I just hope I can salvage the friendships I have left.

5 comments:

  1. You can do this.

    Seriously.

    Acknowledging weaknesses is a big part of it, and you seem resolved to push through the other steps.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I go through lots of periods of time where I don't want to see any of my friends. Luckily, my best friend understands and is never one to get mad at me if I cancel or don't talk to her for a few weeks. Most of the people who know me, know that I am the type who just wants to hibernate for several months without anyone bothering me. :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. I've always been a loner, too, even though I love my friends. I'd just let them know what's going on with you and that it's nothing personal :)

    ReplyDelete
  4. okay, like, WOW.

    we = the same person.

    1. i never, i mean, never answer my phone. in fact, i leave voice mails unread until they disappear from my notifications. i send a text a couple days later saying, sorry, saw you called - what's up?

    2. for some reason, when i make plans with people, i break into cold sweats.

    3. i get into loner phases where i literally don't hang out with anyone. sometimes, it's cus i honestly have so much going on that i don't even want to have to explain it. ya know?

    4. i too, am a people pleaser. and it gets exhausting. eventually you just shut down cus you feel used... although we are the ones that sort of put ourselves in that position, by never saying no.

    ReplyDelete
  5. @Megan - Thank you. i'm hoping to come out on top here for sure.

    @Sara - Yeah, I have friends that were understanding like that.. except.. I think I push the limit at times..

    @Tsaritsa - The problem is finding them and getting them to talk to me so I can tell them it is nothing personal.

    @Blunt - Okay, seriously, its creepy how much we are alike. I have 4 voicemails right now. One is from 2010. I just won't listen to them.. People are finally learning to not leave me a message.. I should probably just put that in my voicemail message. GOD its kind of creepy how alike we are. No joke.

    ReplyDelete