Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Keeping up with Halloween: My biggest fear.

Fear.



I do not do well with being scared.
I get panic attacks.
I can't breath.
While I fear whatever is scaring me, the Panic attack scares the bajeezus out of me too which puts me in quite the predicament and typically just makes the attack so much worse than it should be and lost way longer than necessary.

It takes me a long time to calm down.


I am arachnophobia.
Terribly arachnophobic. Like stand there frozen in fear or run like hell screaming terrified of spiders.

Spiders scare the HELL out of me. I have tried and worked on moving on from this fear for years with limited success. In fact, the only success I've really had is being able to calmly smush a spider in my car while I'm driving. I really had to work on that though, I almost died I don't know how many times because some jerk spider decided to crawl across my steering wheel and I would spaz out nearly crashing my car into whatever was within my vicinity. Needless to say, it was something that needed to be done.

However, if the car is parked I will jump out of my car and run away screaming like hell or just freeze up and wait for it to just start crawling all over me.

*shivers*

I'm getting the heebejeebees just thinking about them. Also, my breathing is starting to become shallow and my heart is racing.. no need to panic.. deep breathing.. HEEEEEE..HOOOOOO...

Okay, let me continue..

It started when we lived on out first farm. There was a window just outside of my bedroom with a little step underneath. It was the PERFECT spot for a nap anytime of the year. The sun felt so good beating down on you and the carpet was just plush enough to give you a good amount of cushion, it was magical. One day, I had taken my pillow out there with me to indulge in my nap (mind you I was like 5 or 6). I fell asleep without a care or fear in the world.. little did I know that would all change in the 45 minutes I slept on my favorite step...

I heard my dad walking in and out of the house and started waking up. I was delirious, sleepy and just beginning to open my eyes... then I saw it. A spider staring at me with one of its 8 legs just tapping up and down 2 feet from my face. Naturally I freaked out thinking this monster was going to/already had laid eggs on or in me or was going to eat my brain (I had a VERY active imagination.). I ran to my bathroom only to discover there was another spider on my face. I freaked right the eff out. I knocked that teeny tiny GIGANTIC spider off my face and ran out of my house faster than a speeding bullet.

I have never been the same.

I have had a long journey trying to battle this fear and really, other than the driving thing, I am no better than when everything first happened 15 years ago. It's like everytime I see one of those things (real or fake) I relive that moment on the step or that moment in the bathroom and feel that initial panic and fear all over again.

Someday I'll share with you the tales of me camping in a spider pit
and the dreams I have about those bastards (You'd think those would be my worst nightmare, but they aren't), but for now, I'm going to grab a paper bag and do some deep breathing excercises before I end up in the corner rocking back and forth.

I don't want to go to the looney bin just yet.

What is your biggest fear? Got any weird phobias?

4 comments:

  1. I wrote a whole list of my irrational fears for an article in my zine. I get freaked out by movie theatres, insects, among other things.

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  2. My fear of roaches is so intense that I will actually cry if my foot touches a dead one. :( Yuck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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  3. Clowns...almost went to jail once for assaulting one.

    Grandpa Munster - ?

    Natasha and Boris - yes the ones from Rocky and Bullwinkle

    Midgets - ?

    Nuns and priest - Im not even Catholic

    Fire

    and the list goes on and on

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  4. @EVERYONE

    I'm getting the heebeejeebees thinking about it again!

    It kind of makes me never want to leave home again.

    ReplyDelete