Wednesday, December 22, 2010

The most *Wonderful* time of the Year? Really?

Ah yes, here we are again.

The week of Christmas.

Are you still rushing around trying to get all your presents?

If you aren't, i hate you good for you, you are way better than I am and possibly, no, probably 90% of our nation.

You see, I thought I was totally done this weekend after a fun day shopping with my mother. We laughed, we cried (from laughing so hard) and we thought I had finally finished my shopping.

Until my parents went all Barbra Streisand and Rained on my Parade, (a terrible Funny Girl reference) and told me about 13538952786 other people I need to buy for still.


what the hell?
I thought I was done with the awful thing that is Christmas shopping.
I thought I was done driving west bound on my own road for 40 minutes trying to get to the stores that are less than 3 miles away (fact)
but NOOOOOOO, they tell me now, that there are others to buy for.

I'm going to Meijer.
they are getting meijer gifts because it isn't going to take 2 hours for me to get there.


Now that we got that rant out of the way, I want to share with you my list of people I can't stand being around while Christmas Shopping/shopping in general.

These people make me all stabby and irrational.
Not a good combination.

1. The Sick Guy: You know this person. The one that coughs/sneezes/ew's all over EVERYTHING including you. The one that doesn't know that you should cough into your (as in your own) elbow and not into your hands or (DUH) the air. Yeah, that asshole. Whenever I get stuck around this person, and I always do, I want to drench myself in bleach to get those germs off of me.


2. The Loud Talker: Now, everyone is a little guilty of this including me, but that person that talks REALLY loud on their cell phone? Yeah, I absolutely abhor those people. It's like their only mission is to give me a head ache and make shopping way more unpleasant than it should be. Also, I don't need to know about your cousin's ingrown toenail, how Joey got busted doin' the dirty with Louise.. or was it Louis? Or that your doctor said the bumps should be gone in a few weeks thanks to this ointment you've been paying $252457 for.

Let's all take into consideration the volume of our voices when at the mall, or just call that person back later.

Covered #1 & #2 with one picture. SCORE.

3. The Group Walker: I am not one that likes to shop alone, but I also don't want to shop with a hoard of people. This group, 4+ people, is ALWAYS in the way and perpetually SLOW WALKING. This is the group of people there is no passing room  on either side so you'd have to actually cut through them to get around them. WHAT THE HECK? Why is it necessary for anyone to go shopping with more than 1 other person? I can barely keep track of myself let alone 252345 other people so why in the world would you need to slowly walk in a giant group through the mall? I DON'T GET IT.


4. The Browser: Okay, now before you all go crazy and tell me that we are all browsers, I want you to know I'm talking about the browser that stands in line and STILL SHOPS. The one who turns to you and says "will you hold my place in line, I'll be right back". This is also the person that holds up the line because they just have to touch every bouncy ball, eraser, and any other knick knacks that are in line with you. There is no reason for this person to hold up the line and more than it already is by the 100 people standing in front of them. This person makes me want to punch them in the face. Regularly.


this is my absolute least favorite.
This one makes me want to take the knives (that I don't own) and start stabbing things randomly, especially this person.

5. The Bubble Burster: This person, the one looking at books by you, or (more likely) standing in line behind you has zero concept of personal space. They are all up in your grill. No. Matter. What.



Recently, a bubble burster was in my vicinity as well as my mom's. We were standing in line at Border's chatting and being thoroughly annoyed with The Browser that was in front of us touching EVERY LITTLE EFFING KNICK KNACK, when we sensed it. Someone was way too close to us. My  mom leaned into me and whispered "the lady behind us is like way WAY too close" I told her to take a step forward. She did. The bubble burster followed and stepped no closer than 3cm away from us. REALLY? I pushed (okay more like moved her very gently) my mom forward and told her I'd deal with it. I'd step forward, she'd step forward. Then the bubble burster became everything I HATE about shopping, the sick guy, the loud talker AND the browser. WHAT THE FRICK? She stepped on me no less than 3214 times and actually touched my mom's butt. WHICH IS OBVIOUSLY INAPPROPRIATE unless your my dad(EW). I finally looked at my mother and told her I couldn't handle it anymore, otherwise I was going to end up in the corner rocking back and forth crying and screaming. This woman was coughing and sneezing everywhere she went, which clearly was just moving closer and closer to us.

I don't think I've ever wanted to stab anyone as badly as that woman.


You know, I don't think shopping would be that bad if those assholes weren't out there roaming the malls & stores.

SO, what is your least favorite thing about shopping?
Have a personal pet peeve shopper to share?


  1. Rather than Christmas shopping -I would rather set myself on fire and walk through broken glass while doing so!
    I don't do well in crowds and the kids screaming make me want to shank their mother's for birthing them.

  2. I am a buyer, my wife is a shopper, enuf said. She goes to the mall during the day, spends 4 hours and comes home with one item she didnt plan on getting when she started out and nothing that she went out for. I OTOH go online, buy it all and get the free shipping and its delivered in 2 days. Done, fini.

    But I am like you, dont crowd me, dont sneeze in my vicinity and keep your drugged ADHD/BFD/IDGARA kid wired on 5-0hour energy with Jolt cola chaser and 5 candy bars out to hear him scream that he wants that NOW.

  3. LOL at #3. You know where else you can find these people? The airport. Walking like they have NO PLACE TO BE. Don't we ALL have someplace to be when we're at the airport?

    No matter where I run into the group walkers, I always find myself fighting the urge to scream "GET OUT OF THE WAY, TRIPLE WIDE!"

    Somehow I think you managed to get through a post talking about these people without swearing. Or did you?

  4. @Mama - I FORGOT THE KIDDIES. DAMN. Maybe I'll post a 2nd edition.

    @Larry - I try online shopping, but I'm always WAY too impatient to wait the 2 days it takes to ship anything.

    @Brittany - I absolutely swore. I try to keep my swearing to a minimum (since my mom gives my url out to anyone and everyone that will take it) but yes, I used asshole a few times, but in reality my inside voice screamed MOTHER FUCKERS.

  5. I hate stupid people. I really do. And the moment we step into stores, we all become stupid people.

    Get out of my way. Browse elsewhere. Move up in line. Get the HELL off your cell phone and pay. Why didn't you have your money out earlier?! You KNEW you were at the register! And (my favorite) WHO PAYS WITH A CHECK ANYMORE!

    People don't usually get in my personal space. It may have something to do with the fact that I am tall, rather plump, and exude an aura of Just Try It, Lady. But when someone is all up in my grill, I make myself bigger. Hold my purse awkwardly out there, stand with my legs farther apart, adjust my coat over my arm, (my favorite) prop a hand on my hip so my elbow "accidentally" sticks right into their ribcage. And then I don't apologize. I look at them pointedly.

    I am friendly, honestly. But I have no tolerance for stupid shoppers. Go awaaaaay.

    ...Merry Christmas! :)

  6. Ella - this is freakin hilarious! I saw your post on hairybabies and am glad I linked over. I needed a good laugh.

  7. The group walker is my own biggest annoyance - and they're everywhere!

  8. @Shelly & @Megan - WELCOME. :]

    @Shelly - I'm glad I got you to laugh, I find that is a rare phenomenon these days for me as well. Hope I can help in the future too!

    @Megan - Ever since I've posted this literally EVERYWHERE I go there are Group Walkers. I was at the grocery store and it happened, I mean, why do you need 38 people to buy bread, milk and eggs?