almost home.

I'm currently in the car, on my way back from Florida. :/

it's so bittersweet, I never wanted to leave.

it was such a fantastic trip that was way too short and I can't wait to share with you all of the stories I have and the rather life changing realization I had.

all I can say for now is that things are going to be happening around here, a brand new adventure under the magnifying glass if you will, and I am so excited to share this journey with you.

for now, I'm going to get back to trying to figure out how much longer I have till I'm home, afterall this is coming to you straigt from my shitty Palm Pixi and frankly my eyes aren't good enough to make sure things are spelled right.

which reminds me... I should get to the eye doctor soon.

An hour by hour thought process on the day I leave for FL

6 hours.

till I leave for Florida and let me tell you, I AM FREAKING THE EFF OUT completely calm.


But seriously, I'm starting to freak out.


What if I don't have enough money?


Real life smacked me in the face over the last week and I have less money than I intended on having for this trip. I guess I'll have to make do with what I have and continue practicing my frugal ways even while on vacation because I REFUSE to get a credit card.


What if something happens to my car?


We are driving my car down and I'm a little worried something is going to go wrong since A) its brand new (to me) and B) I have approximately ALL of my loan (minus one payment) left on it. So.. yeah. The last thing I need is for something to happen to my car and I have to go through this whole no car process ALL OVER AGAIN.

***

5 Hours until departureOkay so enough of my worries, lets talk about the trip a little bit shall we? :]


One of my best friends has never met her Father.
Up until last year, she only knew his name and that he lived in Florida.
Now she has his address and has sent a letter to him, asking if she can meet him.


I am praying and wishing and all that other nonsense that this goes well, that he is home and that she finds closure. I hope this goes the way we all hope it goes.. You know, that happy go lucky ending like in the movies, where they embrace and spend however long necessary getting to know each other and start building a lasting father-daughter relationship.


That would just make my heart sing.

But I'm having a lot of doubts about that happening.

I just hope to enjoy my vacation.

***

4 hours to go.

and my job is killing me. I am so ready to go home but time is dragging its feet like a small child being told to clean their room.. or maybe that's me when I'm told to clean my room.. whatever.. Today has been so full of blah blah blah and nonsense that I'm ready to just run out of here as fast as physically possible.. Of course, at 4:55 when it's time to go home, I'll be rushing to get everything done because:

1.) I spend far too much time looking at blogs working on organizing paperwork.
2.) I'm on the phone because people that call me at work LOVE TO TALK for more than the 2 minutes necessary
3.) One of my bosses will hand me a project they need completed by the end of the day 6 minutes to 5pm.

UGH.

***

3 hours and 40 minutes to go

I have hidden the time on my computer (with a post-it note thank you!) and have put my phone away.. Maybe if I don't pay attention to the time and just work.. I'll get something done.

Unlikely.

***

UNKNOWN amount of time to go.

I've been successful in not checking the clock every 2 minutes for... I don't know how long now. I honestly don't know how much longer I can hold out.

***

I smell popcorn.
*sigh* too bad I've developed an irrational fear of popcorn since our sale started back in
September.

***

4 minutes to 5... so 2 hours and 4 minutes till go time.

I'm going to leave here as soon as I post this and put some stuff way.

FLORIDA... HERE I COME!

I am beautiful... right?

Photo by Mo Hnatiuk

This is me.
Vulnerable.
In this picture, beautiful.

It cracks me up how beautiful I feel I look in this picture when the day it was taken, I was bitching about how I hadn't showered (gross) and had yesterday's make up still on my face. I stood in a bedroom of an apartment, covering up the naughty parts and stood there listening to my best friend snap photo after photo of my back.

It takes a lot for me to feel beautiful.
I, like so many others, struggle to find the beauty in myself.

People tell me I'm beautiful/pretty/hott/kablammy/whatever all the time.
But rarely do I see what they are talking about.

When those rare moments happen, and I can look in the mirror and cat call to myself, I find myself feeling radiant and ready to strut.
In fact, I do strut. Right on down the stairs to my mom and say "LOOKY LOOKY!"

Then, I go out and am immediately faced with self doubt and my inner voice. 

"No one is looking at you"
"You really thought you looked good? HAH?!"
"See that girl? You couldn't look like that if you tried."

Just like everyone else, my inner voice is an asshole.
and it makes me feel like tar ALL THE TIME.

I'm good at hiding my insecurities with being funny and witty.
I'm able to put on a good face and pretend to have a good time when I'm out.
Until someone gets me on my own and talking and I word vomit my insecurities all over them. Seriously, I get myself into a lot of messy conversations because I can't shut my effing mouth. EVER.


I'm scared for Florida.
All those people and their judgy eyes.
Who have been toning their bodies for months to have that perfect Florida look or a beach body if you will.
But, I will just go, do my thing, and enjoy because I'll kick myself later if I don't purely based on how icky I think my body/face is.
I don't want to be looked at like that girl who is trying to hard or the girl who could use a little more effort.

I really just want to be seen for me.

This is why I'm so grateful for this new project happening out on the interwebz.
I love what The Curvy Girl Guide is doing.
Talking about Real Girls with Real Curves.
I subscribed the moment I found out what they were doing.
You probably should too.
What they have to say is beautiful.
and real.

quick update.

Just wanted to pop in a quick update since I wasn't around much this week.

I'm leaving for Florida on Tuesday night & of course, I'm feeling exceptionally broke for my trip, but that's okay, I'll make it work. :]

Work has been a madhouse.
Popcorn is FINALLY a week away from being officially over.
I can only imagine what I will have to deal with this week though...
Oh well, its work.. what do you do?

I've been super busy watching Charmed on Netflix and half assing crunches in an attempt to get a beach body.  

I started Physical Therapy for my shoulder this week and that's interesting and WAY too freakin' early in the morning.

Well, that pretty much sums up everything.
I'm going to post tomorrow no matter what, I also have to get some posts prepped for you while I'm in Florida. GAH, I have so much to do.

But for now, my eyes are heavy and Psych is on Netflix and obviously.

*UPDATE* After reading this 5 seconds after I posted, I realized this is the WORST post ever and promise to give you better things tomorrow. 

Taking ME back.

I need a vacation.

My life is just a hot mess.

What I don't understand is why in the hell do I feel bad about everything?!

Okay, I told you a few posts back I'd let you in on what's going on in my life, here goes nothing.

My boyfriend of 2 years and I broke up.
In fact, I was the one that did the breaking because I just wasn't happy anymore. I tried for 6 months to be happy with him and nothing worked. He controlled my emotions and me as a whole and it took me a year and a half to realize it.

I lost friends and made enemies.
That was my fault, I'm the one who pushed these people away because he didn't want me to see them or just wanted to take up all my time. It was my choice to stay, it was my choice to be a home body if I wasn't going to be with him/by his side, it was all MY choice.

I was a damn fool.

What's funny to me is that even though the hurtful things he and other people are saying to me are hurting/getting to me (after a little over a month) I really think I'm leaving with a better deal.

Yesterday, after I cried my eyes out, I finally applied to go back to school. Yes, I finally took a step in the right direction on that front. I just gotta get my transcripts over to the school and wait 2 weeks..

I have the freedom to do what I want, when I want (money being the only issue) and it is a beautiful thing.

I'm getting *some* of my friends back day by day.
The ones that I've lost I suppose were never truly my friend in the first place.

Other than today, I'm waking up happy.
There is a lot to be said with that since I haven't woken up so much as 4 or 5 times in the past.. well.. 2 years.

The other amazing thing?

I'm going to Florida next week.

When I originally told him about this trip, he told me he would leave me if I went.

I'm going.
I'm missing Thanksgiving with my family.* (I love you all and I WILL miss you dearly.)
I'm doing this for me.
I finally get to live my life for me again.

and I'm going to Florida.


*My mom was REALLY against this trip until it dawned on her that the ex had actually told my I wasn't allowed to go. Now, she is all about it, telling me its my chance to finally do something without fear of consequences and to get back out there and live all over again

11:11, Woo Girls and the Exclamation Point.

Today is 11/11.

Possibly one of my favorite days of the year.

I wish I could glitterfy 11/11 so you all see how magical and lovely this day is.
I mean seriously, 11/11. 11:11. 11-11. 1111. It doesn't matter how you write/type it, it's just so purdyful. :]

okay, so I went and googled glitter 11/11 and it gave me a picture of possibly the creepiest baby ever. I learned my lesson.

So yes, I love today. I think it is a wonderful day.
I also think it is wonderful that today is to honor our Veteran's.
What a wonderful day. :]

****

On another note..

It dawned on me today, while peeing, that I get a little over excited when my favorite bloggers/people mention my name/follow me/comment/whatever and tend to overuse the exclamation point.

I am not an exclamation point type of girl you see.
I envision those people in my head as a "woo girl", if you haven't seen How I Met Your Mother's "Woo Girl" episode, watch it, you'll understand what I mean. 


In fact, here is my very first Vlog in which I try to explain what I mean. 

*WARNING* I "woo" very loudly in the middle, turn your volume down if you don't want to burst your ear drums.

Well, that was awkward. My dad is sitting in the next room and just had to bear witness to that.. kind of. I totally made him shut the door because this is nervewracking and embarrassing.
So yeah, my view on the exclamation point.
I don't want to be one of those overly excited people so I clearly need to work on my use of them. 


What do you think about exclamation points?

Kitty or VAMPIRE?

I almost died last night.
Don't worry, I'm okay now, but man it was a close call.


I was minding my own business with my darling Zinfandel




Sometimes he is sweet. But thats what Demon's do. Lure you in and then BAM.



Oi.

 Anywho, so that is Zinny and since I'm angry at him right now, he gets nasty things said about him here on the interwebz until I'm over being mad at him.


So I'm minding my own business, watching some Castle, Zinny laying by my side when...


[Okay, Zinfandel is seriously a gigantic pussy. Pun 100% intended. He is this big fat cat, who is all macho and "LOOK AT ME" all the time until you click your tongue  or take a step, then he is dashing off to hide behind the curtain where his butt hangs out. YES ZINFANDEL, we see you..]


... he got spooked and did some crazy gymnastics move I didn't know his fatness was capable of and somehow managed to do this...

Face, Kitty Scratch or VAMPIRE BITE?

It was all icky and gooey last night so I opted out of pictures then.


So, I took this as my cat was going for my Juggular.
I kicked his booty everytime he darted from me and hid behind the curtains (okay, I didn't physically kick him, I just took every opportunity to scare the crap out of him I could).


I went downstairs for dinner and told my mom that my cat had tried to kill me.


"That's nice dear"


"No, seriously, Zinfandel tried to kill me."


"I bet he did"


What the heck's that supposed to mean.


Once I was done setting the table (yeah, I still live at home, judge me why dontcha?) I turned around and my mom's face looked like this...

Thankfully, I didn't bleed out.
So scary.Then it occured to me.. what if a Vampire DID swoop in and thats why Zinny freaked out and it wasn't actually him that cut me, it was a Vampire's bite?!


What do you think?
Vampire or Kitty?

Charlie Sheen's Beauty Queen.

Monday and I are at war.

I realize that there aren't too many people that like or enjoy Monday's, but it seems to me that these past few Monday's have been bigger assholes than Charlie Sheen and we all know how he sucks at life.

He just looks like a psycho.

I'm pretty sure Monday's beat me like Charlie Sheen beat his wives and mutilates his drugs.

Too honest?
I didn't think so.

I think I shall now nickname Monday's Charlie. If you come up with something better, by all means, share!

So yeah, I have been Charlie's punching bag for the past few weeks. For example, last Monday, after a fantastic Halloween weekend, I woke up about 5 minutes late not thinking anything of it.. only to realize half way through blow drying my hair that its 8am on the first of the month and I have a staff meeting.

I immediately went into panic mode.
HOLY SHIT. I ran around, threw some clothes on slapped some make up on my face and hauled ass out the door since ohmygodtheyaregoingtofiremeifI'meverlateagain. After still being in my bath robe and my hair still a little wet at 8am, I arrived at the office at 8:15, just in time to be pointed out for my tardiness.

Then it dawned on me.
Our popcorn sale ended Saturday, which means I'm about to get 1000's of sheets of paperwork flooding in and out of my office which means my phone won't stop ringing because people are complete idiots and don't pay attention and oh my god my boss is going to panic which is bad since I'm already panicking and holy crap this is the longest run on sentence ever.

*phew*

So yes, last Charlie was a nightmare. By the end of the day I was trying to call a truce, that can be found on my twitter (follow me!) page since I don't know how to do that screen shot business and give you picture proof.

Today, yet another Charlie, I left my breakfast at home, somehow got my boss upset with me, okay so thats not really a mystery, she called after I checked my morning voicemails and wasn't in the office and I didn't check my voicemail again, oops (all is well now), got bitched at by my ex (there is a story there since the break up is still so fresh) somehow managed to get behind in my work even though I haven't had this productive of a day in weeks and the day just won't end.

Charlie, I really don't understand why we can't call a truce and be friends.
Kiss and make up? No.

Well...
 EFF YOU!

Monday would be Charlie Sheen's best friend.
Monday would be Charlie Sheen's accomplice in dancing naked and destroying a hotel room.
Charlie Sheen bribed the judges to make Monday his beauty queen.
true story.

Now, if you will excuse me, I must go get my sword, pistol and boxing gloves, I have a fight to attend to.

This is crucial. A huge piece of me.

For some reason, all I can think of is the Addam's Family movie when they have their School showcase and they sing "Getting to know you, getting know all about you... getting to like you, getting to know what to say..." UGHH.

Well, lets get down to the nitty gritty.

I think its time you all knew a little more about me other than the weird shit that happens to me or my opinions. I mean there is a reason I am the way I am.. its just... none of you know it yet.

*WARNING* this could be a long post. I'm considering doing a series for this.. hmm... I'll let you know at the end.

Yesterday the trending topic on Twitter was #tweetyour16yearoldself.
I don't usually do that trending topics but I found myself knee deep in spilling my secrets.. kind of.

My first tweet was:
 "Enjoy it now, the real world comes a knockin' real quick. #tweetyour16yearoldself"

When I was 16 I didn't have a care in the world. My friends and I were partying every weekend, I was being a dumbass all the time, wasn't saving money. Basically wasn't thinking ahead (so typical) and now that I'm here, I could smack 16 year old me.

But who really wouldn't given the opportunity? And I'm talking about smacking YOUR 16 year old self, not smacking me. Got it? GOOD.

Well, obviously that wasn't very informative for you.

So let's try the next one..

"It's okay to tell someonewhat happened that night, you will be so grateful when you admit to your secret. #tweetyour16yearoldself"

Okay, I'm ripping the band-aid off with this one.

When I was 15 years old, my virginity was taken from me by rape.
There were 14 people in the next room and no one heard my screams or my cries.

I didn't admit to my family or my friends (with the exception of a few) until April of my 16th year, right before I turned 17.

Here is that story...

The night before my entire life changed (that would be the admitting to it) I went to a concert with a "sister". We went and saw Augustana and the Goo Goo Dolls. It was an amazing concert. We couldn't stop talking, enjoying, loving, etc.. At the time, I was dating my abusive boy thang (will talk about in post 2) and he wasn't happy I was at this show, but I didn't care. I loved it AND I was the dick who bought a shirt for his roommate and not him. MY BAD.

So I get home and I'm feeling all inspired, peaceful and at one with myself. I sit down at the computer and I start typing my "My life in lyrics" paper for my creative writing class. I've looked around for that paper and haven't succeeded in locating it.. mostly because I don't have the password to the email I used for it anymore.

Anyways, I went to bed around 5am and woke up an hour and a half later surprisingly refreshed and ready for the day. I turned in my paper and marched my happy ass out of that school. The next day I came in and my teacher pulled me aside, handed me my paper, where I admitted to my rape, and told me I needed to go talk to a counseler. When I got down there, I was forced to admit to everyone I never wanted to what happened to me.

Then it was Spring Break.
It was really awkward at my house the whole week.
Then my parents left for California and I drove to Ohio to stay with my sister.
On the last day of my trip, I looked at my sister and said..

"Lib, I don't want to go back, I know this isn't over for me. I know tomorrow something is going to happen and it isn't going to be good."
she replied..
"Ella, you'll be fine. And if something does happen, I'll be on my way home the moment my phone rings."

I left, with a sickening feeling in my gut and got up the next morning and went to school.

In my first class of the day, my principal walked in to "check in" on the class.. He looked right at me when I walked in so I knew something was up. I knew something was going to happen. I continued about my day and realized every single faculty member was staring at me and keeping tabs on my whereabouts. It was so unnerving. My 2nd class of the day I got called to the Principal's office.

I was met there by Mrs. Hammill (our guidance counseler, may she RIP) to explain to me that the police were here to take my statement.

*gulp*

Well that made me nervous.
I didn't know what to do.
I sat down with them and repeated my story, the details of which I will spare you of.

Police - "It's so strange"
Ella - "what is?"
Police - "How calm and rational you are."
Ella - "why?"
Police - "Most girls we talk to can barely make it through the story without tears, or ending up in a corner. You just sat there, staring straight ahead.. numb."

I ran out of there the moment they were gone.
They told me I wasn't allowed to leave the school.
But I was beyond upset.. I wanted to run as far away as I possibly could.
I called my dad in California and told him if he didn't want me to get suspended, he'd call and get me out of school.

"You have to explain why Ella"

"You expect me to stand here in the middle of the hallway at the high school and explain to you what happened to me? What you want me to tell you all about my rape right here right now for EVERYONE to hear?"

I got called out immediately.
People started calling me asking me what the hell was going on since everyone knew the cops had been there to talk to me.

I was shaken.
I was broken.
I was terrified.

My sister immediately came home.
She spent the week with me taking my mind off of everything and convinced me to go to therapy which is by far one of the best decisions of my life. Although, instead of helping me work through moving on from my rape, it helped me to move on from douche bag boyfriend (referenced at the top). So bonus.

***

Today, I have the date tattooed on my ankle. This year marked 5 years. I thought of myself for a long time as a survivor, when in reality I was a victim. I couldn't move forward. I was just forever stuck on that day. Forever trying to find a way to will myself away from the situation.

I went to high school with the guy.
I saw him up until a year and a half ago. I don't know where he is these days and I'm okay with that.

Because of this I am not a huge fan of big parties unless I know a majority of the people there that can protect me. I've had a few panic attacks at parties and too many deja vu moments.. but I'm getting better every day.

These days, I'm looked at as being a survivor.
A real survivor.
I believe that now with all of my heart and that was the hardest part to accept..
Not that I was "tainted" as I feel so often when meeting new people.. You know that whole meeting someone new thing and them asking how/when/where you lost your virginity. Come on, it is bound to come up in conversation at some point.. I dread that. I don't want people to look at me different and believe me, they do.

I hope this doesn't change anything between us.
I love you all and that should be made apparent by me sharing this story with you.
In all honesty, I feel like I've really been holding out on some crucial facts/details of my life and starting now, I'm going to share them with you.
Any maybe, I can help someone along the way.


*There will be more parts.. possibly a series. For the record.

OOEY GOOEY.

I think I broke a world record today.

I was...

WAIT FOR IT...

In and out of...

WAIT FOR IT...

Urgent Care and picking up my prescription (includes all waiting and driving done)

WAIT FOR IT.. (do you want to punch me a little? I want to punch me a little)

IN ONE HOUR.

Right?

Okay, so here's the skinny.

4 days ago I woke up and my eye was just irritated. It hurt to blink, have it open, have it closed, whatever. I figured that a Sty (is that how you spell it? Or is it Stye?) was developing and in a couple of days it would go away. Well, the sty (stye) never showed. It just became a big blob of ick. It hurt and still hurts, but yesterday it began to itch so I figured something was up.

I did something very grown up today and found myself a doctor. Unfortunately, my current insurance doesn't cover the doctor I've had my ENTIRE life so I've put off finding a new doctor since nothing was wrong with me.

For those of you in looking but not really looking for a doctor, take my advice and go find a doctor before you are in my shoes, with an icky and uncomfortable predicament and have to pray that the doctors you call are accepting new patients.

Anyway, I got through and found me a doctor only to learn I needed a new patient appointment.. on the 12th of November.

I didn't really want my eye to fall out of my head before then so I had to go to the icky urgent care place around the corner from my house.

$50 later, I have been diagnosed with an infection or an infected sty (stye) and have to take some antibiotics and put this oooey goooey ointment in my eye. To me, this seems like a very expensive infected sty (stye), that doesn't even include my prescriptions. Seems like I didn't quite get the BANG for my buck here. (sarcasm in case that didn't come across... I'm not completely insensitive.)

This ointment is supposed to go into my eye in a ribbon and I'm supposed to blink it in to where it needs to go.

That would be easy if the ointment wasn't like the sealer you use for tiling okay. So far, its only stuck to the tip of the tube and I've had to shove my finger in my eye, I'm sure that helps, only for it to stick to my lashes and the rest of my eye.

I really just feel like getting an eye patch and a parrot and walking around grunting "arrrrrrrrrrrg"'s and "AHOY MATEY"s to those who cross my path.

YO HO YO HO A PIRATES LIFE FOR ME!

*ahem* my bad.

I wonder what sleeping will be like with an eye that is practically glued shut.
I'll let you know.

So, CAN someone PLEASE tell me how to spell sty (stye)?
I'm too lazy and my eye hurts.

Hold my Hand.

I think it is time I informed you of what my life is becoming.

A wreck.

I'll try not to make this your typical downer.. however, I think I'm entitled to it this one time..

Recently, my entire life was altered. I'm not completely ready to talk about the happenings just yet, but soon my loves, very soon you will know what is going on..

What I can tell you is I'm feeling very lost, very confused and very sad. There has been such a build up of shit in my life up to this point that I finally broke. I've always been the person to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders for everyone but me. I'm always the one to come and take care of you even though it is also my time of need. For the past 20 years, I've been good at doing this, I've strived to be the best person I could be for everyone else and have neglected to take care of the only person I can count on.. me.

So I'm taking time to be selfish.
To find me again.
It's going to be a long and grueling journey.
If the past month has been any indication of what is to come.. I'm really in for something.... well, I don't really have the words for it.

Now I ask you, take my hand and be one of my guiding lights out of this darkness that I find myself trapped in.. The walls are closing in on me.

I'm going to try to share as much of this with you as I am comfortable with.
Even though I'm the most comfortable writing here, sharing with those of you who feel my pain, I still am fighting the urge to be the strong one for all of you.

I'm here. Always will be.
Especially if you need me, no matter how far away I am..
You should know, I'm notorious for getting up at all hours of the night to drive to anyone in their hour of need. I'd do the same for all of you.

So, hold my hand.
Please.