Monday, November 22, 2010

I am beautiful... right?

Photo by Mo Hnatiuk
This is me.
Vulnerable.
In this picture, beautiful.

It cracks me up how beautiful I feel I look in this picture when the day it was taken, I was bitching about how I hadn't showered (gross) and had yesterday's make up still on my face. I stood in a bedroom of an apartment, covering up the naughty parts and stood there listening to my best friend snap photo after photo of my back.

It takes a lot for me to feel beautiful.
I, like so many others, struggle to find the beauty in myself.

People tell me I'm beautiful/pretty/hott/kablammy/whatever all the time.
But rarely do I see what they are talking about.

When those rare moments happen, and I can look in the mirror and cat call to myself, I find myself feeling radiant and ready to strut.
In fact, I do strut. Right on down the stairs to my mom and say "LOOKY LOOKY!"

Then, I go out and am immediately faced with self doubt and my inner voice. 

"No one is looking at you"
"You really thought you looked good? HAH?!"
"See that girl? You couldn't look like that if you tried."

Just like everyone else, my inner voice is an asshole.
and it makes me feel like tar ALL THE TIME.

I'm good at hiding my insecurities with being funny and witty.
I'm able to put on a good face and pretend to have a good time when I'm out.
Until someone gets me on my own and talking and I word vomit my insecurities all over them. Seriously, I get myself into a lot of messy conversations because I can't shut my effing mouth. EVER.


I'm scared for Florida.
All those people and their judgy eyes.
Who have been toning their bodies for months to have that perfect Florida look or a beach body if you will.
But, I will just go, do my thing, and enjoy because I'll kick myself later if I don't purely based on how icky I think my body/face is.
I don't want to be looked at like that girl who is trying to hard or the girl who could use a little more effort.

I really just want to be seen for me.

This is why I'm so grateful for this new project happening out on the interwebz.
I love what The Curvy Girl Guide is doing.
Talking about Real Girls with Real Curves.
I subscribed the moment I found out what they were doing.
You probably should too.
What they have to say is beautiful.
and real.

3 comments:

  1. We all have our insecurities from the nerdy chick with acne to the Victoria Secret model. Its okay to have insecurities because it keeps us from being conceited and cockiness is what truly makes a person ugly.

    I have my insecurities about my appearance but I'm okay with that because its who I am. If i don't like something I'll change it like go to the gym, buy acne treatment or upgrade my style. If i don't feel like changing it then its not a big enough deal for me to worry about and I accept it.

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  2. I like that way of thinking a lot.

    Acceptance is definitely something I need to work on for myself.

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  3. Your as pretty as you feel but as beautiful as others see you.

    You need to allow your views to be tempered with that of others.

    In short, tell yourself that you are beautiful, and allow yourself to bask in it.

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