FUCK YOU 2010.
HEY 2010, DON'T LET THE DOOR HIT YOU IN THE ASS ON YOUR WAY OUT!
Have a spectacular New Year my Loves. :]
Friday, December 31, 2010
One last thing...
So I know I said I wasn't going to post till after the New Year BUT I'm getting a lot of comments about how shitty 2010 was for all of you and frankly I say we should band together and give 2010 a big ol'
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
I will be the one with bells & whistles, celebrating your departure.
Dear 2010,
What the eff?
You were kind of a jerk.
Okay, more like I want to sucker punch you in the nads because you were such an asshole to me.
ALL. YEAR. LONG.
Sure, there were some good times, but I haven't really thought too much about those in the past couple months. So before we get into you beating me with a wooden spoon, lets discuss the good things shall we?
January:
I am trying REALLY hard not to let the bad outweigh the good.. okay?
So let's get into the crap you dished out to me 2010, shall we?
February:
2010, you were a mean and nasty cold that I just couldn't get rid of (until 4 days from now that is). I hope your incessant ickyness doesn't carry over into what I am determined to make the best year of my life. I guess overall it wasn't that bad. I probably just feel worse than I should, but let me tell you 2010, I am ready for you to be over. This way I am forced to continue moving forward and have to look at the world with fresh eyes once again.
I hope with 2011 I find happiness and peace.
So 2010, I am bidding you adieu (for the next 4 days) because really, I am not terribly sorry to see you go.*
Yours truly,
Ella
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
May 2011 be the BEST year for each and every one of you.
*Thus begins my absence until the New Year. When I will bring you the final chapter of the Daddy Daughter Story and a post about my home city, Flint, MI. Get excited.
What the eff?
You were kind of a jerk.
Okay, more like I want to sucker punch you in the nads because you were such an asshole to me.
ALL. YEAR. LONG.
Sure, there were some good times, but I haven't really thought too much about those in the past couple months. So before we get into you beating me with a wooden spoon, lets discuss the good things shall we?
January:
- Welcomed the New Year
- Applied for a new job and got said new job. (thank god)
- Got to go out to DC to see my Sister.
- My birthday. Duh.
- New Hampshire with my Family = AMAZING.
- Paid off my Car Loan & got a New Car.
- Went to Florida
- One of my Best Friend's got to meet her Father for the first time (I SWEAR I'M FINISHING THE TRILOGY)
- I got accepted and officially get to be a college student again :]
I am trying REALLY hard not to let the bad outweigh the good.. okay?
So let's get into the crap you dished out to me 2010, shall we?
February:
- The weekend before I start my new job I need a new gas line in my car. Which means I had to pay for a tow and for it to be fixed as well as a new tank of gas for me and the person toting my ass around. The next week my car payment was due and I had ZERO money to even get to work let alone pay that. thankfully one of my last paychecks from the Bob came in and I could cover it. But I was broke until my first paycheck on the final day of the month.
- I lost a friend. He committed suicide the night before Easter. That was not a phone call I ever wanted to receive, not that anyone does. I spent the next week in a blur of emotions, taking care of everyone because people thought I was seasoned at helping people take care of this since this was my 3rd friend that I had lost to suicide. You know, it wasn't until everything was over and I was sitting alone that anyone asked me how I was doing, not even my boyfriend. I was angry then, not terribly angry now about it because I truly do understand. I miss Julian a lot.
- Despite it being my birthday (which birthdays are awesome no matter what) it was a sucky birthday because I turned 20. There is nothing fun about being 20. At all. Need I say more?
- The day before a work fundraiser and two days before I leave to go to New Hampshire, my freakin' car, Alfie, breaks down. I was on my way home from cleaning it when I noticed it driving funny. Then it started smoking and I pulled over. And, as my luck would have it, it was a blown head gasket that would cost $1,000. That is 1/2 of what I paid for the vehicle. Clearly not worth it to get it fixed. Thus began my 2 month struggle with finding rides to and from work, trying to balance a boyfriend, and car shopping.
- Boyfriend of 2 years and I broke up. I am still having a really hard time talking about it, despite it almost being.. 4 months(ish).
- The Ex goes ballistic and become a psycho babbling shit talking asshole. I cry nonstop for weeks.
- The Holiday's. They are just rough, I have felt so alone. I'm continuing to develop these feelings and I don't know what to do with them. I am confused and irrational. But, 90% of my time is spent being irrational so I guess not too much has changed.
2010, you were a mean and nasty cold that I just couldn't get rid of (until 4 days from now that is). I hope your incessant ickyness doesn't carry over into what I am determined to make the best year of my life. I guess overall it wasn't that bad. I probably just feel worse than I should, but let me tell you 2010, I am ready for you to be over. This way I am forced to continue moving forward and have to look at the world with fresh eyes once again.
I hope with 2011 I find happiness and peace.
So 2010, I am bidding you adieu (for the next 4 days) because really, I am not terribly sorry to see you go.*
Yours truly,
Ella
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
May 2011 be the BEST year for each and every one of you.
*Thus begins my absence until the New Year. When I will bring you the final chapter of the Daddy Daughter Story and a post about my home city, Flint, MI. Get excited.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
The most *Wonderful* time of the Year? Really?
Ah yes, here we are again.
The week of Christmas.
Are you still rushing around trying to get all your presents?
If you aren't,i hate you good for you, you are way better than I am and possibly, no, probably 90% of our nation.
You see, I thought I was totally done this weekend after a fun day shopping with my mother. We laughed, we cried (from laughing so hard) and we thought I had finally finished my shopping.
Until my parents went all Barbra Streisand and Rained on my Parade, (a terrible Funny Girl reference) and told me about 13538952786 other people I need to buy for still.
!!!!!!!!!!
what the hell?
I thought I was done with the awful thing that is Christmas shopping.
I thought I was done driving west bound on my own road for 40 minutes trying to get to the stores that are less than 3 miles away (fact)
but NOOOOOOO, they tell me now, that there are others to buy for.
I'm going to Meijer.
they are getting meijer gifts because it isn't going to take 2 hours for me to get there.
***
Now that we got that rant out of the way, I want to share with you my list of people I can't stand being around while Christmas Shopping/shopping in general.
These people make me all stabby and irrational.
Not a good combination.
1. The Sick Guy: You know this person. The one that coughs/sneezes/ew's all over EVERYTHING including you. The one that doesn't know that you should cough into your (as in your own) elbow and not into your hands or (DUH) the air. Yeah, that asshole. Whenever I get stuck around this person, and I always do, I want to drench myself in bleach to get those germs off of me.
IF YOU ARE SICK, DON'T GO SHOPPING. ASS.
2. The Loud Talker: Now, everyone is a little guilty of this including me, but that person that talks REALLY loud on their cell phone? Yeah, I absolutely abhor those people. It's like their only mission is to give me a head ache and make shopping way more unpleasant than it should be. Also, I don't need to know about your cousin's ingrown toenail, how Joey got busted doin' the dirty with Louise.. or was it Louis? Or that your doctor said the bumps should be gone in a few weeks thanks to this ointment you've been paying $252457 for.
Let's all take into consideration the volume of our voices when at the mall, or just call that person back later.
3. The Group Walker: I am not one that likes to shop alone, but I also don't want to shop with a hoard of people. This group, 4+ people, is ALWAYS in the way and perpetually SLOW WALKING. This is the group of people there is no passing room on either side so you'd have to actually cut through them to get around them. WHAT THE HECK? Why is it necessary for anyone to go shopping with more than 1 other person? I can barely keep track of myself let alone 252345 other people so why in the world would you need to slowly walk in a giant group through the mall? I DON'T GET IT.
WHY MUST YOU GO TO THE MALL IN GROUPS????
4. The Browser: Okay, now before you all go crazy and tell me that we are all browsers, I want you to know I'm talking about the browser that stands in line and STILL SHOPS. The one who turns to you and says "will you hold my place in line, I'll be right back". This is also the person that holds up the line because they just have to touch every bouncy ball, eraser, and any other knick knacks that are in line with you. There is no reason for this person to hold up the line and more than it already is by the 100 people standing in front of them. This person makes me want to punch them in the face. Regularly.
MOVE PEOPLE. MOVE.
this is my absolute least favorite.
This one makes me want to take the knives (that I don't own) and start stabbing things randomly, especially this person.
5. The Bubble Burster: This person, the one looking at books by you, or (more likely) standing in line behind you has zero concept of personal space. They are all up in your grill. No. Matter. What.
Recently, a bubble burster was in my vicinity as well as my mom's. We were standing in line at Border's chatting and being thoroughly annoyed with The Browser that was in front of us touching EVERY LITTLE EFFING KNICK KNACK, when we sensed it. Someone was way too close to us. My mom leaned into me and whispered "the lady behind us is like way WAY too close" I told her to take a step forward. She did. The bubble burster followed and stepped no closer than 3cm away from us. REALLY? I pushed (okay more like moved her very gently) my mom forward and told her I'd deal with it. I'd step forward, she'd step forward. Then the bubble burster became everything I HATE about shopping, the sick guy, the loud talker AND the browser. WHAT THE FRICK? She stepped on me no less than 3214 times and actually touched my mom's butt. WHICH IS OBVIOUSLY INAPPROPRIATE unless your my dad(EW). I finally looked at my mother and told her I couldn't handle it anymore, otherwise I was going to end up in the corner rocking back and forth crying and screaming. This woman was coughing and sneezing everywhere she went, which clearly was just moving closer and closer to us.
I don't think I've ever wanted to stab anyone as badly as that woman.
***
You know, I don't think shopping would be that bad if those assholes weren't out there roaming the malls & stores.
SO, what is your least favorite thing about shopping?
Have a personal pet peeve shopper to share?
The week of Christmas.
Are you still rushing around trying to get all your presents?
If you aren't,
You see, I thought I was totally done this weekend after a fun day shopping with my mother. We laughed, we cried (from laughing so hard) and we thought I had finally finished my shopping.
Until my parents went all Barbra Streisand and Rained on my Parade, (a terrible Funny Girl reference) and told me about 13538952786 other people I need to buy for still.
!!!!!!!!!!
what the hell?
I thought I was done with the awful thing that is Christmas shopping.
I thought I was done driving west bound on my own road for 40 minutes trying to get to the stores that are less than 3 miles away (fact)
but NOOOOOOO, they tell me now, that there are others to buy for.
I'm going to Meijer.
they are getting meijer gifts because it isn't going to take 2 hours for me to get there.
***
Now that we got that rant out of the way, I want to share with you my list of people I can't stand being around while Christmas Shopping/shopping in general.
These people make me all stabby and irrational.
Not a good combination.
1. The Sick Guy: You know this person. The one that coughs/sneezes/ew's all over EVERYTHING including you. The one that doesn't know that you should cough into your (as in your own) elbow and not into your hands or (DUH) the air. Yeah, that asshole. Whenever I get stuck around this person, and I always do, I want to drench myself in bleach to get those germs off of me.
IF YOU ARE SICK, DON'T GO SHOPPING. ASS.
2. The Loud Talker: Now, everyone is a little guilty of this including me, but that person that talks REALLY loud on their cell phone? Yeah, I absolutely abhor those people. It's like their only mission is to give me a head ache and make shopping way more unpleasant than it should be. Also, I don't need to know about your cousin's ingrown toenail, how Joey got busted doin' the dirty with Louise.. or was it Louis? Or that your doctor said the bumps should be gone in a few weeks thanks to this ointment you've been paying $252457 for.
Let's all take into consideration the volume of our voices when at the mall, or just call that person back later.
 |
| Covered #1 & #2 with one picture. SCORE. (via) |
3. The Group Walker: I am not one that likes to shop alone, but I also don't want to shop with a hoard of people. This group, 4+ people, is ALWAYS in the way and perpetually SLOW WALKING. This is the group of people there is no passing room on either side so you'd have to actually cut through them to get around them. WHAT THE HECK? Why is it necessary for anyone to go shopping with more than 1 other person? I can barely keep track of myself let alone 252345 other people so why in the world would you need to slowly walk in a giant group through the mall? I DON'T GET IT.
WHY MUST YOU GO TO THE MALL IN GROUPS????
4. The Browser: Okay, now before you all go crazy and tell me that we are all browsers, I want you to know I'm talking about the browser that stands in line and STILL SHOPS. The one who turns to you and says "will you hold my place in line, I'll be right back". This is also the person that holds up the line because they just have to touch every bouncy ball, eraser, and any other knick knacks that are in line with you. There is no reason for this person to hold up the line and more than it already is by the 100 people standing in front of them. This person makes me want to punch them in the face. Regularly.
MOVE PEOPLE. MOVE.
this is my absolute least favorite.
This one makes me want to take the knives (that I don't own) and start stabbing things randomly, especially this person.
5. The Bubble Burster: This person, the one looking at books by you, or (more likely) standing in line behind you has zero concept of personal space. They are all up in your grill. No. Matter. What.
BACK THE HELL UP. RIGHT NOW.
EXAMPLE:
Recently, a bubble burster was in my vicinity as well as my mom's. We were standing in line at Border's chatting and being thoroughly annoyed with The Browser that was in front of us touching EVERY LITTLE EFFING KNICK KNACK, when we sensed it. Someone was way too close to us. My mom leaned into me and whispered "the lady behind us is like way WAY too close" I told her to take a step forward. She did. The bubble burster followed and stepped no closer than 3cm away from us. REALLY? I pushed (okay more like moved her very gently) my mom forward and told her I'd deal with it. I'd step forward, she'd step forward. Then the bubble burster became everything I HATE about shopping, the sick guy, the loud talker AND the browser. WHAT THE FRICK? She stepped on me no less than 3214 times and actually touched my mom's butt. WHICH IS OBVIOUSLY INAPPROPRIATE unless your my dad(EW). I finally looked at my mother and told her I couldn't handle it anymore, otherwise I was going to end up in the corner rocking back and forth crying and screaming. This woman was coughing and sneezing everywhere she went, which clearly was just moving closer and closer to us.
I don't think I've ever wanted to stab anyone as badly as that woman.
***
You know, I don't think shopping would be that bad if those assholes weren't out there roaming the malls & stores.
SO, what is your least favorite thing about shopping?
Have a personal pet peeve shopper to share?
Monday, December 20, 2010
Blog Swap: Who doesn't LOVE wombats?
So this is Brittany and she is fantastic. I was going to write this big long fantastic thing about how the fates brought us together via 20 something blogger's Blog Swap, but she beat me to the punch on that one. :] Also, she has a REALLY freakin' cute baby and a hot husband (Sorry Britt! Had to say it!). Anywho, I'll be working on part 3 of a Daddy/Daughter story for you today while you enjoy her!
Without Further Ado, I give you Brittany, from Hairy Babies! (link below.)
***
Hey, ya'll! I'm Brittany comin' atcha from Richmond, VA.
Just kidding. We don't really talk like that here.
Sorry. I say a lot of unnessary things. I've got a blog called Hairy Babies where I talk about stuff even when I have nothing to say. Subjects include but are not limited to: candy corn, my bicycle, my boobs (which I'm currently using on a daily basis to feed a baby), and of course, said baby (Henry). He's not really hairy.
I'm really enjoying reading Ella's blog so far, and glad to have a chance to share a story of my own.
I believe this was meant to be.
Because in Ella's world, weird and random things happen to her all the time.
And in my world? I'm probably the cause of those things for the people around me. I have a special gift for making people uncomfortable.
There were a few stories I sifted through before deciding to tell you all about the wombat incident. There was the incident of the flooded toilet. The incident of trying to play "would you rather" with some strangers in an elevator. And sadly, etcetera. But today, I bring you: the incident of the wombat.
So a few years ago, my husband and I were looking for a place to live. We came across an ad that sounded like a perfect situation. Nice area, good amenities, yada yada.
Well, you know how it is when you see a place you like. You gotta get in there and snatch it up. So I immediately set off to email the landlord.
In the meantime, on a separate internet tab, I was enjoying some rather cute pictures of some wombats. Like this:
And this:
Tell me those pictures don't make your day and you are a liar.
Next thing I knew, I came across a picture of a wombat on a leash. (I wish I could share it with you but I have never been able to find that picture again. If you ever find a picture of a wombat on a leash, please send it to me ASAP.)
Anyway, I did what any self-respecting wombat lover would do when stumbling across such marsupial gold, and sent it in an email to my husband, with only the subject line, "Isn't this cute?"
My husband replied to my email asking him why I sent him something with questions about an apartment.
And that's when I realized: I send the prospective landlady the picture of the wombat intended for my husband, and my husband the email about the apartment. I can only hope the landlady enjoyed the wombat on the leash as much as I did, but I fear she did not, as she never replied, and therefore, I never actually got to ask if we could please have the apartment.
I'm going to wrap this up by digging a little bit into the prompt we were given when we signed up for this blog swap: What will you do next year that you've been putting off for too long?
I think I'm going to consider kicking landlords to the curb entirely, and start looking into buying a house. I'm scared shitless about signing over my life and bank account for 30+ years, but I have a kid now and I'm managing that okay, so I think I can probably manage a house. One thing I probably cannot deal with much longer is crazy landlords and crappy apartments. Also, a lot of times they don't allow pets, and I still kind of want a wombat.
PS - it doesn't happen often, but you have got to read this article about a wombat mauling someone. Can you even imagine?! You're laughing a little bit, aren't you? Wow, jerk.
Image 1
Image 2
Without Further Ado, I give you Brittany, from Hairy Babies! (link below.)
***
Hey, ya'll! I'm Brittany comin' atcha from Richmond, VA.
Just kidding. We don't really talk like that here.
Sorry. I say a lot of unnessary things. I've got a blog called Hairy Babies where I talk about stuff even when I have nothing to say. Subjects include but are not limited to: candy corn, my bicycle, my boobs (which I'm currently using on a daily basis to feed a baby), and of course, said baby (Henry). He's not really hairy.
I'm really enjoying reading Ella's blog so far, and glad to have a chance to share a story of my own.
I believe this was meant to be.
Because in Ella's world, weird and random things happen to her all the time.
And in my world? I'm probably the cause of those things for the people around me. I have a special gift for making people uncomfortable.
There were a few stories I sifted through before deciding to tell you all about the wombat incident. There was the incident of the flooded toilet. The incident of trying to play "would you rather" with some strangers in an elevator. And sadly, etcetera. But today, I bring you: the incident of the wombat.
So a few years ago, my husband and I were looking for a place to live. We came across an ad that sounded like a perfect situation. Nice area, good amenities, yada yada.
Well, you know how it is when you see a place you like. You gotta get in there and snatch it up. So I immediately set off to email the landlord.
In the meantime, on a separate internet tab, I was enjoying some rather cute pictures of some wombats. Like this:
Next thing I knew, I came across a picture of a wombat on a leash. (I wish I could share it with you but I have never been able to find that picture again. If you ever find a picture of a wombat on a leash, please send it to me ASAP.)
Anyway, I did what any self-respecting wombat lover would do when stumbling across such marsupial gold, and sent it in an email to my husband, with only the subject line, "Isn't this cute?"
My husband replied to my email asking him why I sent him something with questions about an apartment.
And that's when I realized: I send the prospective landlady the picture of the wombat intended for my husband, and my husband the email about the apartment. I can only hope the landlady enjoyed the wombat on the leash as much as I did, but I fear she did not, as she never replied, and therefore, I never actually got to ask if we could please have the apartment.
I'm going to wrap this up by digging a little bit into the prompt we were given when we signed up for this blog swap: What will you do next year that you've been putting off for too long?
I think I'm going to consider kicking landlords to the curb entirely, and start looking into buying a house. I'm scared shitless about signing over my life and bank account for 30+ years, but I have a kid now and I'm managing that okay, so I think I can probably manage a house. One thing I probably cannot deal with much longer is crazy landlords and crappy apartments. Also, a lot of times they don't allow pets, and I still kind of want a wombat.
PS - it doesn't happen often, but you have got to read this article about a wombat mauling someone. Can you even imagine?! You're laughing a little bit, aren't you? Wow, jerk.
Image 1
Image 2
Friday, December 17, 2010
Scrooge-itis
You are probably going to want to punch me in the face.
I'm waiting on permissions to give you part 3 of a Daddy/Daughter Story. I've been working on it all week and haven't gotten too far. BUT it is coming.. likely after Christmas, so you'll just have to put up with me for the next week or so.
I am not ready for the Holiday's. Don't get me wrong, I'm totally looking forward to seeing my family, eating too much food and opening presents, but I am by no means ready for the Holiday's.
I haven't even really gotten into Christmas music, our tree has only a few ornaments on it (which my dad put up BY HIMSELF), and I'm just not feeling even remotely excited for the Christmas.
What's with my Scrooge attitude? I am not a Scrooge! I haven't even put together a Christmas wish list. Mostly because I don't know what I want.
Actually i do know what I want but it is completely unrealistic for Christmas because my family isn't uber rich and neither am I. So my dreams of receiving an iPad for Christmas are nill, but I'm sure it will be a great Christmas.. once I give a list out for what I want.
I'm also no where near done with my Christmas shopping. I guess I don't understand how I feel more broke/behind on everything this year when I am making considerably more money than last year.. It doesn't make sense to me. Oh well, it will work out just like it does every other year.
So now I'm working through my boredomat work with some Christmas music courtesy of Pandora. I have to say while it is lovely listening to my favorite Jazz Artists serenade me with fa la lalala la's and Merry Christmas's, I am still feeling a little Scroogey.
Maybe I need to have a Christmas movie marathon.
Perhaps I'll just feel better when I'm done with my shopping.
Or maybe my Break up is just getting the better of my emotionally. It hasn't been easy, at all. There have been so many ups and downs. I haven't talked about it much other than the above link and I think it is just getting to me that I only have my family's Christmas this year and no where to go afterwards, no plans to look forward to once my family is gone.. It sucks so completely, but I'll figure it out, I have to. It's a part of this whole moving forward with my life thing I'm working on..
Speaking of which..
I AM OFFICIALLY A COLLEGE STUDENT AGAIN.
I am so excited and so fully ready to go back to school it is unreal.
It is time to move on with my life.
Well, I'm off to try to get rid of my "Scrooge-itis".
I'm waiting on permissions to give you part 3 of a Daddy/Daughter Story. I've been working on it all week and haven't gotten too far. BUT it is coming.. likely after Christmas, so you'll just have to put up with me for the next week or so.
I am not ready for the Holiday's. Don't get me wrong, I'm totally looking forward to seeing my family, eating too much food and opening presents, but I am by no means ready for the Holiday's.
I haven't even really gotten into Christmas music, our tree has only a few ornaments on it (which my dad put up BY HIMSELF), and I'm just not feeling even remotely excited for the Christmas.
What's with my Scrooge attitude? I am not a Scrooge! I haven't even put together a Christmas wish list. Mostly because I don't know what I want.
Actually i do know what I want but it is completely unrealistic for Christmas because my family isn't uber rich and neither am I. So my dreams of receiving an iPad for Christmas are nill, but I'm sure it will be a great Christmas.. once I give a list out for what I want.
I'm also no where near done with my Christmas shopping. I guess I don't understand how I feel more broke/behind on everything this year when I am making considerably more money than last year.. It doesn't make sense to me. Oh well, it will work out just like it does every other year.
So now I'm working through my boredom
Maybe I need to have a Christmas movie marathon.
Perhaps I'll just feel better when I'm done with my shopping.
Or maybe my Break up is just getting the better of my emotionally. It hasn't been easy, at all. There have been so many ups and downs. I haven't talked about it much other than the above link and I think it is just getting to me that I only have my family's Christmas this year and no where to go afterwards, no plans to look forward to once my family is gone.. It sucks so completely, but I'll figure it out, I have to. It's a part of this whole moving forward with my life thing I'm working on..
Speaking of which..
I AM OFFICIALLY A COLLEGE STUDENT AGAIN.
I am so excited and so fully ready to go back to school it is unreal.
It is time to move on with my life.
Well, I'm off to try to get rid of my "Scrooge-itis".
Friday, December 10, 2010
A Daddy/Daughter Story. Part 2.
** This is part 2 of my friends search and journey to find her father, if you haven't already Click here to catch up. (by the way, this is going to be lengthy.. I may split into 3 parts)
After WAY too long in the car, my companions and I made it to the Sunshine State in one piece and still friendly with one another. Needless to say we were very ready to be out of the car and moving around, 1 to make sure we could still walk and 2 to keep us busy until D-Day (Daddy day).
We stayed in Orlando that first night and then made our way to the SouthEastern part of the state and stayed outside of Ft. Lauderdale, had our Thanksgiving and enjoyed a relaxing night with each other.
I guess I'll touch on Thanksgiving a bit and you all can wait patiently to find out whether it is a happy ending or not. *insert evil laugh her*
HEY. I can hear all the shit you are talking right now.
QUIT IT.
I'm getting to it, this is important too.
This was my first Thanksgiving away from my family.. at least the kind that is blood related, come to think of it, it really was my first holiday ever away from my family, I mean sure I've worked holidays but I always went home to family after. So spending the holiday with a friend's family, 1500 miles away from home was surreal. The conversation was interesting and typically turned back to meeting Her father.
I saw the ocean for the first time while I was in Florida. It was dark and windy on the beach. I'd never felt a wind so steady and strong in my life. It was incredible. I thought a lot about what was supposed to happen the next day. The fact that my friend was meeting her father and how much of a life changing experience this was turning out to be.. for all of us. I started to realize that things were not going to be the same when we got home and as those thoughts hit me, the biggest wave we saw all night broke on the shore as if to say...
"I just washed away the past, it's still apart of you, but it is time to move forward."
Totally cheesy I know, but look at the story I'm telling you. It's bound to be a little cheese ball..right?
So, we left the beach and made our way to have an enjoyable Thanksgiving night.
When we woke up it was D-Day. We didn't really say much, other than goodbyes, until we were in the car on our way back to Orlando to pick her up to take her to Bradenton (which is on the kind of South-Western part of the state) to finally go to meet her dad.
"You guys.. she is meeting her dad today."
We drove back to Orlando and somehow navigated our way to the Resort she was staying at and picked her (and another friend, not really relevant) up and were on our way to Bradenton Florida.
There was a lot of excitement, nerves and a lot of scary thoughts roaming around our heads. There were about a million things that could go wrong..
Would he be there?
Is it really her father?
What if it's some sick psycho?
What if he wants nothing to do with her?
We stopped at a rest stop to gather our thoughts and kind of prepare as best we could.
Then, before we knew it, we had arrived in Bradenton, drove around lost for a bit, then found Applebee's.
"I am not leaving you unless I know for sure it's your dad."
"I'll be fine."
"No, what if he is some psycho murderer. I'm not leaving here till I know."
She and Mosey got out of the car and walked to the building.
I sat in the car with my 2 other passengers.. waiting impatiently to see what happened.
Next thing I know.. Mosey is at the window.
"He's here and he is so cool and he wants to have dinner with us."
*** There will be a Part 3 because the next part will take too long. Also, you will be rewarded for your patience with this super sweet video (if I get permission to use it) that tells the WHOLE story from her point of view. :)
After WAY too long in the car, my companions and I made it to the Sunshine State in one piece and still friendly with one another. Needless to say we were very ready to be out of the car and moving around, 1 to make sure we could still walk and 2 to keep us busy until D-Day (Daddy day).
We stayed in Orlando that first night and then made our way to the SouthEastern part of the state and stayed outside of Ft. Lauderdale, had our Thanksgiving and enjoyed a relaxing night with each other.
I guess I'll touch on Thanksgiving a bit and you all can wait patiently to find out whether it is a happy ending or not. *insert evil laugh her*
HEY. I can hear all the shit you are talking right now.
QUIT IT.
I'm getting to it, this is important too.
This was my first Thanksgiving away from my family.. at least the kind that is blood related, come to think of it, it really was my first holiday ever away from my family, I mean sure I've worked holidays but I always went home to family after. So spending the holiday with a friend's family, 1500 miles away from home was surreal. The conversation was interesting and typically turned back to meeting Her father.
I saw the ocean for the first time while I was in Florida. It was dark and windy on the beach. I'd never felt a wind so steady and strong in my life. It was incredible. I thought a lot about what was supposed to happen the next day. The fact that my friend was meeting her father and how much of a life changing experience this was turning out to be.. for all of us. I started to realize that things were not going to be the same when we got home and as those thoughts hit me, the biggest wave we saw all night broke on the shore as if to say...
"I just washed away the past, it's still apart of you, but it is time to move forward."
Totally cheesy I know, but look at the story I'm telling you. It's bound to be a little cheese ball..right?
So, we left the beach and made our way to have an enjoyable Thanksgiving night.
When we woke up it was D-Day. We didn't really say much, other than goodbyes, until we were in the car on our way back to Orlando to pick her up to take her to Bradenton (which is on the kind of South-Western part of the state) to finally go to meet her dad.
"You guys.. she is meeting her dad today."
We drove back to Orlando and somehow navigated our way to the Resort she was staying at and picked her (and another friend, not really relevant) up and were on our way to Bradenton Florida.
There was a lot of excitement, nerves and a lot of scary thoughts roaming around our heads. There were about a million things that could go wrong..
Would he be there?
Is it really her father?
What if it's some sick psycho?
What if he wants nothing to do with her?
We stopped at a rest stop to gather our thoughts and kind of prepare as best we could.
 |
| At the rest stop. Not too far out from our destination. Mama B (middle), Mosey (black), Me (red) |
"I am not leaving you unless I know for sure it's your dad."
"I'll be fine."
"No, what if he is some psycho murderer. I'm not leaving here till I know."
She and Mosey got out of the car and walked to the building.
I sat in the car with my 2 other passengers.. waiting impatiently to see what happened.
Next thing I know.. Mosey is at the window.
"He's here and he is so cool and he wants to have dinner with us."
*** There will be a Part 3 because the next part will take too long. Also, you will be rewarded for your patience with this super sweet video (if I get permission to use it) that tells the WHOLE story from her point of view. :)
please don't hate me.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
A Daddy/Daughter Story. Part 1.
Growing up, I had a prominent father figure.
I knew who my father was and my parents are still married so I *still* live with him.
There is no doubt in my mind that he is my dad. We look* and act alike on so many levels.
*Of course, I look a lot more like my mom, but we aren't talking about her today.
My dad took care of me while I was growing up, he has pictures of me in his wallet to show off..
hell, he was even the first person to take me to a bar.
Granted, I was 3 weeks old and OBVIOUSLY didn't know where the heck I was.
He and his friends sang me "My Girl".
What can I say? We love our Motown 'round here.
I know what it is like to have a father, no, to have a dad.
My friend didn't.. or doesn't.. not sure yet.
And it is her story I want to share with you.
She didn't have a dad, and we all knew that. Our entire group.
but 2 of us she confided in about him, saying she wished she knew him, wished she could meet him, and hoped beyond hope to just know her dad.
She received a picture of her father from her mother at the age of 16.
Her* pursuit to find him only intensified.
She found out that he attended her high school, with my dad no less.
She found he lived in Florida and asked us if we would go with her to one day meet her dad.
We said yes and began dreaming of that day finally becoming a reality.
I think we 'planned' our trip to Florida about a 1000 times until this past summer when she announced to us she was going to Florida for real, and she wanted US to go with her. Well, we said yes, obviously, and began planning away.
My parents didn't think it was a good idea. Didn't think I should get so involved in personal matter, especially ones that are as deep and personal as meeting a father. I really didn't care, I knew that I was supposed to go with her, otherwise it wouldn't even have been a remote possibility for me.
So, we all made our plans, set the date and were ready and waiting to go.
We just needed her to send the letter to her father and then play the waiting game to see if he would respond.
The harsh reality of the entire situation was the fact that none of us thought she would actually make contact and be able to meet her father. We didn't really know the true reason he wasn't around so meeting him wasn't really something we expected to happen, just a nice little fantasy. We all accepted it and were determined to enjoy the beautiful Floridian weather anyways.
Then the day of our departure came and all of us were an anxious mess. Well, me and my travel companions, She was already down there for her conference. I was antsy and SO ready to get on the road and high tail it out of Michigan the seconds inched by while I waited for my friends to arrive so we could leave.
they arrived.
"Have you talked to [her] yet?"
"No.. why?"
"Her dad texted, he wants to meet her!!!!!!!"
My jaw dropped to the floor.
It was really happening.
Something we all admitedly doubted, of course not out loud until after we knew this was really happening, was actually going to become a reality.
It was so unreal to hear those words. I was more excited then ever and began the 1,200 mile drive with such vigor..
I knew who my father was and my parents are still married so I *still* live with him.
There is no doubt in my mind that he is my dad. We look* and act alike on so many levels.
*Of course, I look a lot more like my mom, but we aren't talking about her today.
My dad took care of me while I was growing up, he has pictures of me in his wallet to show off..
hell, he was even the first person to take me to a bar.
Granted, I was 3 weeks old and OBVIOUSLY didn't know where the heck I was.
He and his friends sang me "My Girl".
What can I say? We love our Motown 'round here.
I know what it is like to have a father, no, to have a dad.
My friend didn't.. or doesn't.. not sure yet.
And it is her story I want to share with you.
She didn't have a dad, and we all knew that. Our entire group.
but 2 of us she confided in about him, saying she wished she knew him, wished she could meet him, and hoped beyond hope to just know her dad.
 |
| The three of us back in September. Mama B (her), Mosey, and I |
She received a picture of her father from her mother at the age of 16.
Her* pursuit to find him only intensified.
She found out that he attended her high school, with my dad no less.
She found he lived in Florida and asked us if we would go with her to one day meet her dad.
We said yes and began dreaming of that day finally becoming a reality.
I think we 'planned' our trip to Florida about a 1000 times until this past summer when she announced to us she was going to Florida for real, and she wanted US to go with her. Well, we said yes, obviously, and began planning away.
My parents didn't think it was a good idea. Didn't think I should get so involved in personal matter, especially ones that are as deep and personal as meeting a father. I really didn't care, I knew that I was supposed to go with her, otherwise it wouldn't even have been a remote possibility for me.
So, we all made our plans, set the date and were ready and waiting to go.
We just needed her to send the letter to her father and then play the waiting game to see if he would respond.
The harsh reality of the entire situation was the fact that none of us thought she would actually make contact and be able to meet her father. We didn't really know the true reason he wasn't around so meeting him wasn't really something we expected to happen, just a nice little fantasy. We all accepted it and were determined to enjoy the beautiful Floridian weather anyways.
Then the day of our departure came and all of us were an anxious mess. Well, me and my travel companions, She was already down there for her conference. I was antsy and SO ready to get on the road and high tail it out of Michigan the seconds inched by while I waited for my friends to arrive so we could leave.
they arrived.
"Have you talked to [her] yet?"
"No.. why?"
"Her dad texted, he wants to meet her!!!!!!!"
My jaw dropped to the floor.
It was really happening.
Something we all admitedly doubted, of course not out loud until after we knew this was really happening, was actually going to become a reality.
It was so unreal to hear those words. I was more excited then ever and began the 1,200 mile drive with such vigor..
One of my best friend's dream was coming true
and we were going to be able to be apart of it.
*don't know if she would want her name out here so she will be she/her
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
My creatures.
So taking a break from the heavy stuff....
I decided to tap into my creative side, not that I'm terribly creative, and start making stuff.
I literally made this bit up, although I know its been done a million times before, but I couldn't find DIY directions anywhere so I just guessed and *kind of* got it right.
I have a HUGE thing for owls right now. HUGE. its all I can convince myself to make and its what I drool over on etsy all day long. So, naturally, my felt creatures are taking the form of owls right now. :]
The bodies are hand cut, stitched, and decorated. Obviously, god, that was an obvious statement.
These are so simple, took me about 1 hour and 20 minutes each, and was a lot of fun, I literally sat at work today dreaming about coming home and making another one.
This is how I've been keeping myself busy/occupied the past couple of days.
More pictures to come! I just have to make more...
I decided to tap into my creative side, not that I'm terribly creative, and start making stuff.
I literally made this bit up, although I know its been done a million times before, but I couldn't find DIY directions anywhere so I just guessed and *kind of* got it right.
I have a HUGE thing for owls right now. HUGE. its all I can convince myself to make and its what I drool over on etsy all day long. So, naturally, my felt creatures are taking the form of owls right now. :]
The bodies are hand cut, stitched, and decorated. Obviously, god, that was an obvious statement.
These are so simple, took me about 1 hour and 20 minutes each, and was a lot of fun, I literally sat at work today dreaming about coming home and making another one.
This is how I've been keeping myself busy/occupied the past couple of days.
More pictures to come! I just have to make more...
Monday, December 6, 2010
Florida.. My big realization.
 | ||
| I missed this one the other day. We have mastered the duck face. |
And not the typical girl change where something big happens and you color and cut your hair.
I'm talking BIG CHANGE.
a change of location, lifestyle, personality, whatever.. I just need a change.
I need to feel like something is happening in my life again.
I want to feel excited to get up and go out.
But I'm not.
I don't feel excited and I certainly don't feel like I'm accomplishing much.
*yes, I'm going to be a bit of a Debbie Downer here, bear with me.*
My life has been all shambly and just flat out depressing for a while now. With the break up and some other craptastic things happening, I've been struggling day to day to keep my mind occupied enough to keep away from the bad thoughts. That usually means I am completely blocked when it comes to writing and why my new site that I was so excited about has been so severely neglected.
This is why I haven't even written in my own journal, where I am the ONLY one to read, in months.
It's a nasty road that I've been down before, this damn depression thing. I kicked it's ass last year and I am fighting tooth and nail to defeat it again this year.. Not that it ever truly goes away, I just learned to keep my beasts at bay while life continues to move on.
When meeting new people they always ask people my age where they are going to school, what they are studying yadee yada yada.. you probably know what I'm talking about... and when you are surrounded by people talking about school and their life dreams/goals its really hard to sit there and say..
"Oh, me? I'm not in school right now, haven't been for about a year now.. I just work. A lot."
It's getting to be embarrassing.
I'm ashamed of the choices I've made in some respects.
Luckily, I have applied to go back to school and have sent in all the corresponding paperwork in order to make this a reality because DAMMIT, I'm ready. I'm ready to get my life started.
Which brings me to what Florida made me realize..
I don't have anything truly tying me to Michigan except for my family and my job. But let's get real, my job is temporary. A few years and they'll be searching for my replacement because I'll be moving onto greener pastures and a career I actually enjoy. Family is obviously irreplaceable, at least to me, but it wouldn't be the end of the world if i left.
It showed me there are opportunities for me other places. I knew that before, but I guess it didn't dawn on me till I was there, standing in Disney World or driving all over the state, that I could do whatever I wanted, I am completely capable.
I am so able and so ready.
Which is why I've started planning.
I'm planning my big move. Literally.
Starting January 1, 2011 I will be saving my tushy off in order to move out of this place and get going with my life.
I'm telling you, I need a change.
and I think that change has to be location.
I'm going to attempt to write a little every day this week in order to make up for my serious lack of effort as well as to just get my juices flowing again.
I promise the rest of it won't be so blah and drab.
I'll share some embarrassing stories or something.
that should keep you coming back.. right?
Well, I can't say I blame you if you leave. I've not been a very good writer to you..
ALSO, the story of my friend meeting her father.
and me facing my insecurities.
It should get interesting around here.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
The beginning of a brand new... something.
Florida.
There are so few words to describe what the experience was like.
How life changing it was for me, thought I didn't realize it till the day after I returned, and for my friends who went on this journey with me...
Honestly, I never thought it would happen. I thought it was just going to be one of those trips you talk and dream about for ages that ends up falling through.. I just had a gut feeling about it. Where would I get the money? Do I *really* want to take my car down there? What are we going to do? etc... etc... etc...
But it happened.
I had the money.
We took my car.
&&
We covered a LOT of ground in 5 days.
So.. let's start from the beginning.
You read my post about the day I left. Where i was all spazzy and psycho?
Well it didn't end after work, it continued on even after I arrived home. I was jittery and excited and nervous and GAHHHH... So ready to get the hell out of town.
Finally at around 8pm, my friends arrived at my house to leave in my little car to have the road trip of a life time.
we spent something like.. 21 hours in the car, leaving officially at 8:45 (give or take) and arriving in Orlando at 5:30 (give or take) the next day.
It was sunny, beautiful and all palm tree'd out.
We were hot, sweaty, stinky, greasy, gross and exhausted.. and possibly a tad bit hungry.
So, we took turns showering and getting ready before we headed out like Zombies to get some pizza and figure out what to do the rest of the night..
We were absolutely zombified. Sat at dinner staring off into space.. more like the wall, barely moving our limbs.. it was so weird.
****
Now, I'm not actually planning on giving you a play by play of the entire trip.. there is a point to this post and why it is being set up this way.. the rest of the Florida series will be me just talking about the big things that are going to be happening and what Florida made me realize and yadee yada yada.. any(sorry about that tangent) who...
****
We stood outside the restaurant debating on what to do.. do we go to a bar? Universal strip(? I don't even know if thats what its really called, I was too tired to care) or... DOWNTOWN DISNEY.
Well... obviously.
Out of the 3 of us that drove down together, only 1 of us had never been to Disney so it was pretty much a given that we had to go.
One of the many amazing experiences I had was watching her truly experience Disney for the first time. I felt like a proud parent snapping pictures of her has she fully emersed herself into the Magic that is Disney.. even if it was only Downtown. :)
Here are some pictures :)
There are so few words to describe what the experience was like.
How life changing it was for me, thought I didn't realize it till the day after I returned, and for my friends who went on this journey with me...
Honestly, I never thought it would happen. I thought it was just going to be one of those trips you talk and dream about for ages that ends up falling through.. I just had a gut feeling about it. Where would I get the money? Do I *really* want to take my car down there? What are we going to do? etc... etc... etc...
But it happened.
I had the money.
We took my car.
&&
We covered a LOT of ground in 5 days.
So.. let's start from the beginning.
You read my post about the day I left. Where i was all spazzy and psycho?
Well it didn't end after work, it continued on even after I arrived home. I was jittery and excited and nervous and GAHHHH... So ready to get the hell out of town.
Finally at around 8pm, my friends arrived at my house to leave in my little car to have the road trip of a life time.
we spent something like.. 21 hours in the car, leaving officially at 8:45 (give or take) and arriving in Orlando at 5:30 (give or take) the next day.
It was sunny, beautiful and all palm tree'd out.
We were hot, sweaty, stinky, greasy, gross and exhausted.. and possibly a tad bit hungry.
So, we took turns showering and getting ready before we headed out like Zombies to get some pizza and figure out what to do the rest of the night..
We were absolutely zombified. Sat at dinner staring off into space.. more like the wall, barely moving our limbs.. it was so weird.
****
Now, I'm not actually planning on giving you a play by play of the entire trip.. there is a point to this post and why it is being set up this way.. the rest of the Florida series will be me just talking about the big things that are going to be happening and what Florida made me realize and yadee yada yada.. any(sorry about that tangent) who...
****
We stood outside the restaurant debating on what to do.. do we go to a bar? Universal strip(? I don't even know if thats what its really called, I was too tired to care) or... DOWNTOWN DISNEY.
Well... obviously.
Out of the 3 of us that drove down together, only 1 of us had never been to Disney so it was pretty much a given that we had to go.
One of the many amazing experiences I had was watching her truly experience Disney for the first time. I felt like a proud parent snapping pictures of her has she fully emersed herself into the Magic that is Disney.. even if it was only Downtown. :)
Here are some pictures :)
 |
| Can you tell we are tired after 21 hours in the car? |
 |
| Sexy face with Donald Duck hat? |
 |
| DINOSAURS. (my worst nightmare) |
 |
| It clearly ain't easy being Green. |
 |
| First thing we saw and we knew they wanted us to be their guest. It was so welcoming. :) |
 |
| SO MUCH MAGIC! |
 |
| WOODY! need I say more? |
Sunday, November 28, 2010
almost home.
I'm currently in the car, on my way back from Florida. :/
it's so bittersweet, I never wanted to leave.
it was such a fantastic trip that was way too short and I can't wait to share with you all of the stories I have and the rather life changing realization I had.
all I can say for now is that things are going to be happening around here, a brand new adventure under the magnifying glass if you will, and I am so excited to share this journey with you.
for now, I'm going to get back to trying to figure out how much longer I have till I'm home, afterall this is coming to you straigt from my shitty Palm Pixi and frankly my eyes aren't good enough to make sure things are spelled right.
which reminds me... I should get to the eye doctor soon.
it's so bittersweet, I never wanted to leave.
it was such a fantastic trip that was way too short and I can't wait to share with you all of the stories I have and the rather life changing realization I had.
all I can say for now is that things are going to be happening around here, a brand new adventure under the magnifying glass if you will, and I am so excited to share this journey with you.
for now, I'm going to get back to trying to figure out how much longer I have till I'm home, afterall this is coming to you straigt from my shitty Palm Pixi and frankly my eyes aren't good enough to make sure things are spelled right.
which reminds me... I should get to the eye doctor soon.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
An hour by hour thought process on the day I leave for FL
6 hours.
till I leave for Florida and let me tell you, IAM FREAKING THE EFF OUT completely calm.
But seriously, I'm starting to freak out.
What if I don't have enough money?
Real life smacked me in the face over the last week and I have less money than I intended on having for this trip. I guess I'll have to make do with what I have and continue practicing my frugal ways even while on vacation because I REFUSE to get a credit card.
What if something happens to my car?
We are driving my car down and I'm a little worried something is going to go wrong since A) its brand new (to me) and B) I have approximately ALL of my loan (minus one payment) left on it. So.. yeah. The last thing I need is for something to happen to my car and I have to go through this whole no car process ALL OVER AGAIN.
***
5 Hours until departureOkay so enough of my worries, lets talk about the trip a little bit shall we? :]
One of my best friends has never met her Father.
Up until last year, she only knew his name and that he lived in Florida.
Now she has his address and has sent a letter to him, asking if she can meet him.
I am praying and wishing and all that other nonsense that this goes well, that he is home and that she finds closure. I hope this goes the way we all hope it goes.. You know, that happy go lucky ending like in the movies, where they embrace and spend however long necessary getting to know each other and start building a lasting father-daughter relationship.
That would just make my heart sing.
But I'm having a lot of doubts about that happening.
I just hope to enjoy my vacation.
***
4 hours to go.
and my job is killing me. I am so ready to go home but time is dragging its feet like a small child being told to clean their room.. or maybe that's me when I'm told to clean my room.. whatever.. Today has been so full of blah blah blah and nonsense that I'm ready to just run out of here as fast as physically possible.. Of course, at 4:55 when it's time to go home, I'll be rushing to get everything done because:
1.) I spend far too much timelooking at blogs working on organizing paperwork.
2.) I'm on the phone because people that call me at work LOVE TO TALK for more than the 2 minutes necessary
3.) One of my bosses will hand me a project they need completed by the end of the day 6 minutes to 5pm.
UGH.
***
3 hours and 40 minutes to go
I have hidden the time on my computer (with a post-it note thank you!) and have put my phone away.. Maybe if I don't pay attention to the time and just work.. I'll get something done.
Unlikely.
***
UNKNOWN amount of time to go.
I've been successful in not checking the clock every 2 minutes for... I don't know how long now. I honestly don't know how much longer I can hold out.
***
I smell popcorn.
*sigh* too bad I've developed an irrational fear of popcorn since our sale started back in
September.
***
4 minutes to 5... so 2 hours and 4 minutes till go time.
I'm going to leave here as soon as I post this and put some stuff way.
FLORIDA... HERE I COME!
till I leave for Florida and let me tell you, I
But seriously, I'm starting to freak out.
What if I don't have enough money?
Real life smacked me in the face over the last week and I have less money than I intended on having for this trip. I guess I'll have to make do with what I have and continue practicing my frugal ways even while on vacation because I REFUSE to get a credit card.
What if something happens to my car?
We are driving my car down and I'm a little worried something is going to go wrong since A) its brand new (to me) and B) I have approximately ALL of my loan (minus one payment) left on it. So.. yeah. The last thing I need is for something to happen to my car and I have to go through this whole no car process ALL OVER AGAIN.
***
5 Hours until departureOkay so enough of my worries, lets talk about the trip a little bit shall we? :]
One of my best friends has never met her Father.
Up until last year, she only knew his name and that he lived in Florida.
Now she has his address and has sent a letter to him, asking if she can meet him.
I am praying and wishing and all that other nonsense that this goes well, that he is home and that she finds closure. I hope this goes the way we all hope it goes.. You know, that happy go lucky ending like in the movies, where they embrace and spend however long necessary getting to know each other and start building a lasting father-daughter relationship.
That would just make my heart sing.
But I'm having a lot of doubts about that happening.
I just hope to enjoy my vacation.
***
4 hours to go.
and my job is killing me. I am so ready to go home but time is dragging its feet like a small child being told to clean their room.. or maybe that's me when I'm told to clean my room.. whatever.. Today has been so full of blah blah blah and nonsense that I'm ready to just run out of here as fast as physically possible.. Of course, at 4:55 when it's time to go home, I'll be rushing to get everything done because:
1.) I spend far too much time
2.) I'm on the phone because people that call me at work LOVE TO TALK for more than the 2 minutes necessary
3.) One of my bosses will hand me a project they need completed by the end of the day 6 minutes to 5pm.
UGH.
***
3 hours and 40 minutes to go
I have hidden the time on my computer (with a post-it note thank you!) and have put my phone away.. Maybe if I don't pay attention to the time and just work.. I'll get something done.
Unlikely.
***
UNKNOWN amount of time to go.
I've been successful in not checking the clock every 2 minutes for... I don't know how long now. I honestly don't know how much longer I can hold out.
***
I smell popcorn.
*sigh* too bad I've developed an irrational fear of popcorn since our sale started back in
September.
***
4 minutes to 5... so 2 hours and 4 minutes till go time.
I'm going to leave here as soon as I post this and put some stuff way.
FLORIDA... HERE I COME!
Monday, November 22, 2010
I am beautiful... right?
 |
| Photo by Mo Hnatiuk |
Vulnerable.
In this picture, beautiful.
It cracks me up how beautiful I feel I look in this picture when the day it was taken, I was bitching about how I hadn't showered (gross) and had yesterday's make up still on my face. I stood in a bedroom of an apartment, covering up the naughty parts and stood there listening to my best friend snap photo after photo of my back.
It takes a lot for me to feel beautiful.
I, like so many others, struggle to find the beauty in myself.
People tell me I'm beautiful/pretty/hott/kablammy/whatever all the time.
But rarely do I see what they are talking about.
When those rare moments happen, and I can look in the mirror and cat call to myself, I find myself feeling radiant and ready to strut.
In fact, I do strut. Right on down the stairs to my mom and say "LOOKY LOOKY!"
Then, I go out and am immediately faced with self doubt and my inner voice.
"No one is looking at you"
"You really thought you looked good? HAH?!"
"See that girl? You couldn't look like that if you tried."
Just like everyone else, my inner voice is an asshole.
and it makes me feel like tar ALL THE TIME.
I'm good at hiding my insecurities with being funny and witty.
I'm able to put on a good face and pretend to have a good time when I'm out.
Until someone gets me on my own and talking and I word vomit my insecurities all over them. Seriously, I get myself into a lot of messy conversations because I can't shut my effing mouth. EVER.
I'm scared for Florida.
All those people and their judgy eyes.
Who have been toning their bodies for months to have that perfect Florida look or a beach body if you will.
But, I will just go, do my thing, and enjoy because I'll kick myself later if I don't purely based on how icky I think my body/face is.
I don't want to be looked at like that girl who is trying to hard or the girl who could use a little more effort.
I really just want to be seen for me.
This is why I'm so grateful for this new project happening out on the interwebz.
I love what The Curvy Girl Guide is doing.
Talking about Real Girls with Real Curves.
I subscribed the moment I found out what they were doing.
You probably should too.
What they have to say is beautiful.
and real.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
quick update.
Just wanted to pop in a quick update since I wasn't around much this week.
I'm leaving for Florida on Tuesday night & of course, I'm feeling exceptionally broke for my trip, but that's okay, I'll make it work. :]
Work has been a madhouse.
Popcorn is FINALLY a week away from being officially over.
I can only imagine what I will have to deal with this week though...
Oh well, its work.. what do you do?
I've been super busy watching Charmed on Netflix and half assing crunches in an attempt to get a beach body.
I started Physical Therapy for my shoulder this week and that's interesting and WAY too freakin' early in the morning.
Well, that pretty much sums up everything.
I'm going to post tomorrow no matter what, I also have to get some posts prepped for you while I'm in Florida. GAH, I have so much to do.
But for now, my eyes are heavy and Psych is on Netflix and obviously.
*UPDATE* After reading this 5 seconds after I posted, I realized this is the WORST post ever and promise to give you better things tomorrow.
I'm leaving for Florida on Tuesday night & of course, I'm feeling exceptionally broke for my trip, but that's okay, I'll make it work. :]
Work has been a madhouse.
Popcorn is FINALLY a week away from being officially over.
I can only imagine what I will have to deal with this week though...
Oh well, its work.. what do you do?
I've been super busy watching Charmed on Netflix and half assing crunches in an attempt to get a beach body.
I started Physical Therapy for my shoulder this week and that's interesting and WAY too freakin' early in the morning.
Well, that pretty much sums up everything.
I'm going to post tomorrow no matter what, I also have to get some posts prepped for you while I'm in Florida. GAH, I have so much to do.
But for now, my eyes are heavy and Psych is on Netflix and obviously.
*UPDATE* After reading this 5 seconds after I posted, I realized this is the WORST post ever and promise to give you better things tomorrow.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Taking ME back.
I need a vacation.
My life is just a hot mess.
What I don't understand is why in the hell do I feel bad about everything?!
Okay, I told you a few posts back I'd let you in on what's going on in my life, here goes nothing.
My boyfriend of 2 years and I broke up.
In fact, I was the one that did the breaking because I just wasn't happy anymore. I tried for 6 months to be happy with him and nothing worked. He controlled my emotions and me as a whole and it took me a year and a half to realize it.
I lost friends and made enemies.
That was my fault, I'm the one who pushed these people away because he didn't want me to see them or just wanted to take up all my time. It was my choice to stay, it was my choice to be a home body if I wasn't going to be with him/by his side, it was all MY choice.
I was a damn fool.
What's funny to me is that even though the hurtful things he and other people are saying to me are hurting/getting to me (after a little over a month) I really think I'm leaving with a better deal.
Yesterday, after I cried my eyes out, I finally applied to go back to school. Yes, I finally took a step in the right direction on that front. I just gotta get my transcripts over to the school and wait 2 weeks..
I have the freedom to do what I want, when I want (money being the only issue) and it is a beautiful thing.
I'm getting *some* of my friends back day by day.
The ones that I've lost I suppose were never truly my friend in the first place.
Other than today, I'm waking up happy.
There is a lot to be said with that since I haven't woken up so much as 4 or 5 times in the past.. well.. 2 years.
The other amazing thing?
I'm going to Florida next week.
When I originally told him about this trip, he told me he would leave me if I went.
I'm going.
I'm missing Thanksgiving with my family.* (I love you all and I WILL miss you dearly.)
I'm doing this for me.
I finally get to live my life for me again.
and I'm going to Florida.
*My mom was REALLY against this trip until it dawned on her that the ex had actually told my I wasn't allowed to go. Now, she is all about it, telling me its my chance to finally do something without fear of consequences and to get back out there and live all over again
My life is just a hot mess.
What I don't understand is why in the hell do I feel bad about everything?!
Okay, I told you a few posts back I'd let you in on what's going on in my life, here goes nothing.
My boyfriend of 2 years and I broke up.
In fact, I was the one that did the breaking because I just wasn't happy anymore. I tried for 6 months to be happy with him and nothing worked. He controlled my emotions and me as a whole and it took me a year and a half to realize it.
I lost friends and made enemies.
That was my fault, I'm the one who pushed these people away because he didn't want me to see them or just wanted to take up all my time. It was my choice to stay, it was my choice to be a home body if I wasn't going to be with him/by his side, it was all MY choice.
I was a damn fool.
What's funny to me is that even though the hurtful things he and other people are saying to me are hurting/getting to me (after a little over a month) I really think I'm leaving with a better deal.
Yesterday, after I cried my eyes out, I finally applied to go back to school. Yes, I finally took a step in the right direction on that front. I just gotta get my transcripts over to the school and wait 2 weeks..
I have the freedom to do what I want, when I want (money being the only issue) and it is a beautiful thing.
I'm getting *some* of my friends back day by day.
The ones that I've lost I suppose were never truly my friend in the first place.
Other than today, I'm waking up happy.
There is a lot to be said with that since I haven't woken up so much as 4 or 5 times in the past.. well.. 2 years.
The other amazing thing?
I'm going to Florida next week.
When I originally told him about this trip, he told me he would leave me if I went.
I'm going.
I'm missing Thanksgiving with my family.* (I love you all and I WILL miss you dearly.)
I'm doing this for me.
I finally get to live my life for me again.
and I'm going to Florida.
*My mom was REALLY against this trip until it dawned on her that the ex had actually told my I wasn't allowed to go. Now, she is all about it, telling me its my chance to finally do something without fear of consequences and to get back out there and live all over again
Thursday, November 11, 2010
11:11, Woo Girls and the Exclamation Point.
Today is 11/11.
Possibly one of my favorite days of the year.
I wish I could glitterfy 11/11 so you all see how magical and lovely this day is.
I mean seriously, 11/11. 11:11. 11-11. 1111. It doesn't matter how you write/type it, it's just so purdyful. :]
okay, so I went and googled glitter 11/11 and it gave me a picture of possibly the creepiest baby ever. I learned my lesson.
So yes, I love today. I think it is a wonderful day.
I also think it is wonderful that today is to honor our Veteran's.
What a wonderful day. :]
****
On another note..
It dawned on me today, while peeing, that I get a little over excited when my favorite bloggers/people mention my name/follow me/comment/whatever and tend to overuse the exclamation point.
I am not an exclamation point type of girl you see.
I envision those people in my head as a "woo girl", if you haven't seen How I Met Your Mother's "Woo Girl" episode, watch it, you'll understand what I mean.
In fact, here is my very first Vlog in which I try to explain what I mean.
*WARNING* I "woo" very loudly in the middle, turn your volume down if you don't want to burst your ear drums.
Well, that was awkward. My dad is sitting in the next room and just had to bear witness to that.. kind of. I totally made him shut the door because this is nervewracking and embarrassing.
So yeah, my view on the exclamation point.
I don't want to be one of those overly excited people so I clearly need to work on my use of them.
What do you think about exclamation points?
Possibly one of my favorite days of the year.
I wish I could glitterfy 11/11 so you all see how magical and lovely this day is.
I mean seriously, 11/11. 11:11. 11-11. 1111. It doesn't matter how you write/type it, it's just so purdyful. :]
okay, so I went and googled glitter 11/11 and it gave me a picture of possibly the creepiest baby ever. I learned my lesson.
So yes, I love today. I think it is a wonderful day.
I also think it is wonderful that today is to honor our Veteran's.
What a wonderful day. :]
****
On another note..
It dawned on me today, while peeing, that I get a little over excited when my favorite bloggers/people mention my name/follow me/comment/whatever and tend to overuse the exclamation point.
I am not an exclamation point type of girl you see.
I envision those people in my head as a "woo girl", if you haven't seen How I Met Your Mother's "Woo Girl" episode, watch it, you'll understand what I mean.
In fact, here is my very first Vlog in which I try to explain what I mean.
*WARNING* I "woo" very loudly in the middle, turn your volume down if you don't want to burst your ear drums.
So yeah, my view on the exclamation point.
I don't want to be one of those overly excited people so I clearly need to work on my use of them.
What do you think about exclamation points?
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Kitty or VAMPIRE?
I almost died last night.
Don't worry, I'm okay now, but man it was a close call.
I was minding my own business with my darling Zinfandel
Anywho, so that is Zinny and since I'm angry at him right now, he gets nasty things said about him here on the interwebz until I'm over being mad at him.
So I'm minding my own business, watching some Castle, Zinny laying by my side when...
[Okay, Zinfandel is seriously a gigantic pussy. Pun 100% intended. He is this big fat cat, who is all macho and "LOOK AT ME" all the time until you click your tongue or take a step, then he is dashing off to hide behind the curtain where his butt hangs out. YES ZINFANDEL, we see you..]
... he got spooked and did some crazy gymnastics move I didn't know his fatness was capable of and somehow managed to do this...
It was all icky and gooey last night so I opted out of pictures then.
So, I took this as my cat was going for my Juggular.
I kicked his booty everytime he darted from me and hid behind the curtains (okay, I didn't physically kick him, I just took every opportunity to scare the crap out of him I could).
I went downstairs for dinner and told my mom that my cat had tried to kill me.
"That's nice dear"
"No, seriously, Zinfandel tried to kill me."
"I bet he did"
What the heck's that supposed to mean.
Once I was done setting the table (yeah, I still live at home, judge me why dontcha?) I turned around and my mom's face looked like this...
Thankfully, I didn't bleed out.
So scary.Then it occured to me.. what if a Vampire DID swoop in and thats why Zinny freaked out and it wasn't actually him that cut me, it was a Vampire's bite?!
What do you think?
Vampire or Kitty?
Don't worry, I'm okay now, but man it was a close call.
I was minding my own business with my darling Zinfandel
 |
| Sometimes he is sweet. But thats what Demon's do. Lure you in and then BAM. |
 |
| Oi. |
So I'm minding my own business, watching some Castle, Zinny laying by my side when...
[Okay, Zinfandel is seriously a gigantic pussy. Pun 100% intended. He is this big fat cat, who is all macho and "LOOK AT ME" all the time until you click your tongue or take a step, then he is dashing off to hide behind the curtain where his butt hangs out. YES ZINFANDEL, we see you..]
... he got spooked and did some crazy gymnastics move I didn't know his fatness was capable of and somehow managed to do this...
 |
| Face, Kitty Scratch or VAMPIRE BITE? |
So, I took this as my cat was going for my Juggular.
I kicked his booty everytime he darted from me and hid behind the curtains (okay, I didn't physically kick him, I just took every opportunity to scare the crap out of him I could).
I went downstairs for dinner and told my mom that my cat had tried to kill me.
"That's nice dear"
"No, seriously, Zinfandel tried to kill me."
"I bet he did"
What the heck's that supposed to mean.
Once I was done setting the table (yeah, I still live at home, judge me why dontcha?) I turned around and my mom's face looked like this...
Thankfully, I didn't bleed out.
So scary.Then it occured to me.. what if a Vampire DID swoop in and thats why Zinny freaked out and it wasn't actually him that cut me, it was a Vampire's bite?!
What do you think?
Vampire or Kitty?
Monday, November 8, 2010
Charlie Sheen's Beauty Queen.
Monday and I are at war.
I realize that there aren't too many people that like or enjoy Monday's, but it seems to me that these past few Monday's have been bigger assholes than Charlie Sheen and we all know how he sucks at life.
I'm pretty sure Monday's beat me like Charlie Sheen beat his wives and mutilates his drugs.
Too honest?
I didn't think so.
I think I shall now nickname Monday's Charlie. If you come up with something better, by all means, share!
So yeah, I have been Charlie's punching bag for the past few weeks. For example, last Monday, after a fantastic Halloween weekend, I woke up about 5 minutes late not thinking anything of it.. only to realize half way through blow drying my hair that its 8am on the first of the month and I have a staff meeting.
I immediately went into panic mode.
HOLY SHIT. I ran around, threw some clothes on slapped some make up on my face and hauled ass out the door since ohmygodtheyaregoingtofiremeifI'meverlateagain. After still being in my bath robe and my hair still a little wet at 8am, I arrived at the office at 8:15, just in time to be pointed out for my tardiness.
Then it dawned on me.
Our popcorn sale ended Saturday, which means I'm about to get 1000's of sheets of paperwork flooding in and out of my office which means my phone won't stop ringing because people are complete idiots and don't pay attention and oh my god my boss is going to panic which is bad since I'm already panicking and holy crap this is the longest run on sentence ever.
*phew*
So yes, last Charlie was a nightmare. By the end of the day I was trying to call a truce, that can be found on my twitter (follow me!) page since I don't know how to do that screen shot business and give you picture proof.
Today, yet another Charlie, I left my breakfast at home, somehow got my boss upset with me, okay so thats not really a mystery, she called after I checked my morning voicemails and wasn't in the office and I didn't check my voicemail again, oops (all is well now), got bitched at by my ex (there is a story there since the break up is still so fresh) somehow managed to get behind in my work even though I haven't had this productive of a day in weeks and the day just won't end.
Charlie, I really don't understand why we can't call a truce and be friends.
Kiss and make up? No.
Well...
EFF YOU!
Monday would be Charlie Sheen's best friend.
Monday would be Charlie Sheen's accomplice in dancing naked and destroying a hotel room.
Charlie Sheen bribed the judges to make Monday his beauty queen.
true story.
Now, if you will excuse me, I must go get my sword, pistol and boxing gloves, I have a fight to attend to.
I realize that there aren't too many people that like or enjoy Monday's, but it seems to me that these past few Monday's have been bigger assholes than Charlie Sheen and we all know how he sucks at life.
 |
| He just looks like a psycho. |
I'm pretty sure Monday's beat me like Charlie Sheen beat his wives and mutilates his drugs.
Too honest?
I didn't think so.
I think I shall now nickname Monday's Charlie. If you come up with something better, by all means, share!
So yeah, I have been Charlie's punching bag for the past few weeks. For example, last Monday, after a fantastic Halloween weekend, I woke up about 5 minutes late not thinking anything of it.. only to realize half way through blow drying my hair that its 8am on the first of the month and I have a staff meeting.
I immediately went into panic mode.
HOLY SHIT. I ran around, threw some clothes on slapped some make up on my face and hauled ass out the door since ohmygodtheyaregoingtofiremeifI'meverlateagain. After still being in my bath robe and my hair still a little wet at 8am, I arrived at the office at 8:15, just in time to be pointed out for my tardiness.
Then it dawned on me.
Our popcorn sale ended Saturday, which means I'm about to get 1000's of sheets of paperwork flooding in and out of my office which means my phone won't stop ringing because people are complete idiots and don't pay attention and oh my god my boss is going to panic which is bad since I'm already panicking and holy crap this is the longest run on sentence ever.
*phew*
So yes, last Charlie was a nightmare. By the end of the day I was trying to call a truce, that can be found on my twitter (follow me!) page since I don't know how to do that screen shot business and give you picture proof.
Today, yet another Charlie, I left my breakfast at home, somehow got my boss upset with me, okay so thats not really a mystery, she called after I checked my morning voicemails and wasn't in the office and I didn't check my voicemail again, oops (all is well now), got bitched at by my ex (there is a story there since the break up is still so fresh) somehow managed to get behind in my work even though I haven't had this productive of a day in weeks and the day just won't end.
Charlie, I really don't understand why we can't call a truce and be friends.
Kiss and make up? No.
Well...
EFF YOU!
Monday would be Charlie Sheen's best friend.
Monday would be Charlie Sheen's accomplice in dancing naked and destroying a hotel room.
Charlie Sheen bribed the judges to make Monday his beauty queen.
true story.
Now, if you will excuse me, I must go get my sword, pistol and boxing gloves, I have a fight to attend to.
Friday, November 5, 2010
This is crucial. A huge piece of me.
For some reason, all I can think of is the Addam's Family movie when they have their School showcase and they sing "Getting to know you, getting know all about you... getting to like you, getting to know what to say..." UGHH.
Well, lets get down to the nitty gritty.
I think its time you all knew a little more about me other than the weird shit that happens to me or my opinions. I mean there is a reason I am the way I am.. its just... none of you know it yet.
*WARNING* this could be a long post. I'm considering doing a series for this.. hmm... I'll let you know at the end.
Yesterday the trending topic on Twitter was #tweetyour16yearoldself.
I don't usually do that trending topics but I found myself knee deep in spilling my secrets.. kind of.
My first tweet was:
"Enjoy it now, the real world comes a knockin' real quick. #tweetyour16yearoldself"
When I was 16 I didn't have a care in the world. My friends and I were partying every weekend, I was being a dumbass all the time, wasn't saving money. Basically wasn't thinking ahead (so typical) and now that I'm here, I could smack 16 year old me.
But who really wouldn't given the opportunity? And I'm talking about smacking YOUR 16 year old self, not smacking me. Got it? GOOD.
Well, obviously that wasn't very informative for you.
So let's try the next one..
"It's okay to tell someonewhat happened that night, you will be so grateful when you admit to your secret. #tweetyour16yearoldself"
Okay, I'm ripping the band-aid off with this one.
When I was 15 years old, my virginity was taken from me by rape.
There were 14 people in the next room and no one heard my screams or my cries.
I didn't admit to my family or my friends (with the exception of a few) until April of my 16th year, right before I turned 17.
Here is that story...
The night before my entire life changed (that would be the admitting to it) I went to a concert with a "sister". We went and saw Augustana and the Goo Goo Dolls. It was an amazing concert. We couldn't stop talking, enjoying, loving, etc.. At the time, I was dating my abusive boy thang (will talk about in post 2) and he wasn't happy I was at this show, but I didn't care. I loved it AND I was the dick who bought a shirt for his roommate and not him. MY BAD.
So I get home and I'm feeling all inspired, peaceful and at one with myself. I sit down at the computer and I start typing my "My life in lyrics" paper for my creative writing class. I've looked around for that paper and haven't succeeded in locating it.. mostly because I don't have the password to the email I used for it anymore.
Anyways, I went to bed around 5am and woke up an hour and a half later surprisingly refreshed and ready for the day. I turned in my paper and marched my happy ass out of that school. The next day I came in and my teacher pulled me aside, handed me my paper, where I admitted to my rape, and told me I needed to go talk to a counseler. When I got down there, I was forced to admit to everyone I never wanted to what happened to me.
Then it was Spring Break.
It was really awkward at my house the whole week.
Then my parents left for California and I drove to Ohio to stay with my sister.
On the last day of my trip, I looked at my sister and said..
"Lib, I don't want to go back, I know this isn't over for me. I know tomorrow something is going to happen and it isn't going to be good."
she replied..
"Ella, you'll be fine. And if something does happen, I'll be on my way home the moment my phone rings."
I left, with a sickening feeling in my gut and got up the next morning and went to school.
In my first class of the day, my principal walked in to "check in" on the class.. He looked right at me when I walked in so I knew something was up. I knew something was going to happen. I continued about my day and realized every single faculty member was staring at me and keeping tabs on my whereabouts. It was so unnerving. My 2nd class of the day I got called to the Principal's office.
I was met there by Mrs. Hammill (our guidance counseler, may she RIP) to explain to me that the police were here to take my statement.
*gulp*
Well that made me nervous.
I didn't know what to do.
I sat down with them and repeated my story, the details of which I will spare you of.
Police - "It's so strange"
Ella - "what is?"
Police - "How calm and rational you are."
Ella - "why?"
Police - "Most girls we talk to can barely make it through the story without tears, or ending up in a corner. You just sat there, staring straight ahead.. numb."
I ran out of there the moment they were gone.
They told me I wasn't allowed to leave the school.
But I was beyond upset.. I wanted to run as far away as I possibly could.
I called my dad in California and told him if he didn't want me to get suspended, he'd call and get me out of school.
"You have to explain why Ella"
"You expect me to stand here in the middle of the hallway at the high school and explain to you what happened to me? What you want me to tell you all about my rape right here right now for EVERYONE to hear?"
I got called out immediately.
People started calling me asking me what the hell was going on since everyone knew the cops had been there to talk to me.
I was shaken.
I was broken.
I was terrified.
My sister immediately came home.
She spent the week with me taking my mind off of everything and convinced me to go to therapy which is by far one of the best decisions of my life. Although, instead of helping me work through moving on from my rape, it helped me to move on from douche bag boyfriend (referenced at the top). So bonus.
***
Today, I have the date tattooed on my ankle. This year marked 5 years. I thought of myself for a long time as a survivor, when in reality I was a victim. I couldn't move forward. I was just forever stuck on that day. Forever trying to find a way to will myself away from the situation.
I went to high school with the guy.
I saw him up until a year and a half ago. I don't know where he is these days and I'm okay with that.
Because of this I am not a huge fan of big parties unless I know a majority of the people there that can protect me. I've had a few panic attacks at parties and too many deja vu moments.. but I'm getting better every day.
These days, I'm looked at as being a survivor.
A real survivor.
I believe that now with all of my heart and that was the hardest part to accept..
Not that I was "tainted" as I feel so often when meeting new people.. You know that whole meeting someone new thing and them asking how/when/where you lost your virginity. Come on, it is bound to come up in conversation at some point.. I dread that. I don't want people to look at me different and believe me, they do.
I hope this doesn't change anything between us.
I love you all and that should be made apparent by me sharing this story with you.
In all honesty, I feel like I've really been holding out on some crucial facts/details of my life and starting now, I'm going to share them with you.
Any maybe, I can help someone along the way.
*There will be more parts.. possibly a series. For the record.
Well, lets get down to the nitty gritty.
I think its time you all knew a little more about me other than the weird shit that happens to me or my opinions. I mean there is a reason I am the way I am.. its just... none of you know it yet.
*WARNING* this could be a long post. I'm considering doing a series for this.. hmm... I'll let you know at the end.
Yesterday the trending topic on Twitter was #tweetyour16yearoldself.
I don't usually do that trending topics but I found myself knee deep in spilling my secrets.. kind of.
My first tweet was:
"Enjoy it now, the real world comes a knockin' real quick. #tweetyour16yearoldself"
When I was 16 I didn't have a care in the world. My friends and I were partying every weekend, I was being a dumbass all the time, wasn't saving money. Basically wasn't thinking ahead (so typical) and now that I'm here, I could smack 16 year old me.
But who really wouldn't given the opportunity? And I'm talking about smacking YOUR 16 year old self, not smacking me. Got it? GOOD.
Well, obviously that wasn't very informative for you.
So let's try the next one..
"It's okay to tell someonewhat happened that night, you will be so grateful when you admit to your secret. #tweetyour16yearoldself"
Okay, I'm ripping the band-aid off with this one.
When I was 15 years old, my virginity was taken from me by rape.
There were 14 people in the next room and no one heard my screams or my cries.
I didn't admit to my family or my friends (with the exception of a few) until April of my 16th year, right before I turned 17.
Here is that story...
The night before my entire life changed (that would be the admitting to it) I went to a concert with a "sister". We went and saw Augustana and the Goo Goo Dolls. It was an amazing concert. We couldn't stop talking, enjoying, loving, etc.. At the time, I was dating my abusive boy thang (will talk about in post 2) and he wasn't happy I was at this show, but I didn't care. I loved it AND I was the dick who bought a shirt for his roommate and not him. MY BAD.
So I get home and I'm feeling all inspired, peaceful and at one with myself. I sit down at the computer and I start typing my "My life in lyrics" paper for my creative writing class. I've looked around for that paper and haven't succeeded in locating it.. mostly because I don't have the password to the email I used for it anymore.
Anyways, I went to bed around 5am and woke up an hour and a half later surprisingly refreshed and ready for the day. I turned in my paper and marched my happy ass out of that school. The next day I came in and my teacher pulled me aside, handed me my paper, where I admitted to my rape, and told me I needed to go talk to a counseler. When I got down there, I was forced to admit to everyone I never wanted to what happened to me.
Then it was Spring Break.
It was really awkward at my house the whole week.
Then my parents left for California and I drove to Ohio to stay with my sister.
On the last day of my trip, I looked at my sister and said..
"Lib, I don't want to go back, I know this isn't over for me. I know tomorrow something is going to happen and it isn't going to be good."
she replied..
"Ella, you'll be fine. And if something does happen, I'll be on my way home the moment my phone rings."
I left, with a sickening feeling in my gut and got up the next morning and went to school.
In my first class of the day, my principal walked in to "check in" on the class.. He looked right at me when I walked in so I knew something was up. I knew something was going to happen. I continued about my day and realized every single faculty member was staring at me and keeping tabs on my whereabouts. It was so unnerving. My 2nd class of the day I got called to the Principal's office.
I was met there by Mrs. Hammill (our guidance counseler, may she RIP) to explain to me that the police were here to take my statement.
*gulp*
Well that made me nervous.
I didn't know what to do.
I sat down with them and repeated my story, the details of which I will spare you of.
Police - "It's so strange"
Ella - "what is?"
Police - "How calm and rational you are."
Ella - "why?"
Police - "Most girls we talk to can barely make it through the story without tears, or ending up in a corner. You just sat there, staring straight ahead.. numb."
I ran out of there the moment they were gone.
They told me I wasn't allowed to leave the school.
But I was beyond upset.. I wanted to run as far away as I possibly could.
I called my dad in California and told him if he didn't want me to get suspended, he'd call and get me out of school.
"You have to explain why Ella"
"You expect me to stand here in the middle of the hallway at the high school and explain to you what happened to me? What you want me to tell you all about my rape right here right now for EVERYONE to hear?"
I got called out immediately.
People started calling me asking me what the hell was going on since everyone knew the cops had been there to talk to me.
I was shaken.
I was broken.
I was terrified.
My sister immediately came home.
She spent the week with me taking my mind off of everything and convinced me to go to therapy which is by far one of the best decisions of my life. Although, instead of helping me work through moving on from my rape, it helped me to move on from douche bag boyfriend (referenced at the top). So bonus.
***
Today, I have the date tattooed on my ankle. This year marked 5 years. I thought of myself for a long time as a survivor, when in reality I was a victim. I couldn't move forward. I was just forever stuck on that day. Forever trying to find a way to will myself away from the situation.
I went to high school with the guy.
I saw him up until a year and a half ago. I don't know where he is these days and I'm okay with that.
Because of this I am not a huge fan of big parties unless I know a majority of the people there that can protect me. I've had a few panic attacks at parties and too many deja vu moments.. but I'm getting better every day.
These days, I'm looked at as being a survivor.
A real survivor.
I believe that now with all of my heart and that was the hardest part to accept..
Not that I was "tainted" as I feel so often when meeting new people.. You know that whole meeting someone new thing and them asking how/when/where you lost your virginity. Come on, it is bound to come up in conversation at some point.. I dread that. I don't want people to look at me different and believe me, they do.
I hope this doesn't change anything between us.
I love you all and that should be made apparent by me sharing this story with you.
In all honesty, I feel like I've really been holding out on some crucial facts/details of my life and starting now, I'm going to share them with you.
Any maybe, I can help someone along the way.
*There will be more parts.. possibly a series. For the record.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)